The Wicked One's Blog

Since August a lot has been goin on!

2011-05-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I last checked in with you all and of course many things have been going on since August of last year.. I can't believe it's been that long since I last posted here on my blog.

So of course the last big "drama" that I had prior to this posting was my car crash with Karen and well, while both her car and our friendship did not, I have recovered from that.

In October of last year I was blessed to make a lifelong dream come true for myself and Shuji and we both traveled to Australia. It was spectacular. While there, our friend Glenn met up with us at Darling Harbor one night with his good friend Joyce. While we where there we visited Sydney, Melborne, and Cairns.

It had always been a dream of mine to go diving/swimming/snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef. And now I can say that I have... I rented a 14 megapixel camera housed in a waterproof case and well, the pictures were great!

We both fell madly in love with the country and if I could I would now move there and live there forever. However, after a brief attempt to pursue a green card, it's apparently not meant to be.

It was however a beautiful trip, a beautiful country, and the people were fantastic. I would go back tomorrow if I could. Mark that one off the list.

January of this year marked 3 years out for me from having been diagnosed with Cancer.

However while going in for my last of the "6 month" scans, my doctors spotted a mass near my pelvis.

Of course I just knew immediately that it was Cancer and of course it had come back. I think everyone did. So, in February I went in for surgery, "again" for those of you counting that makes 5 of them in 4 years.

On February 16 my doctor came crashing in to my room at 6:30 am and he was bouncing off the walls.. "It's not Cancer Brian!" he was yelling with a smile from ear to ear.

I'm not sure if it was because it was so early and I just wasn't awake, or if I was just in a state of total shock, but I didn't react. I mean, at one point he even said to me, "Brian, aren't you happy?", but I just was like.. "are you sure", "are you sure you don't want to run the test again just to be positive?".

But little by little I have now come to see that it was in fact not Cancer, but a tumor that was removed, but along with it 9" of my colon. All of this translates to Diverticulitis.

I had been having no pain, and no problem eating but hey, who knows what all goes on in our bodies.

So, FINALLY I had a surgery go well and all the post surgery, recovery went fine. It only took 5 previous ones that almost killed me to finally get me this one.

Since this last operation I redesigned my own personal website, put up another one for Shuji and his model collection, had some pretty big breakthroughs with Shuji and myself, and of course there was the horrible earthquake in Japan, and his trip back home.

I'm also finally trying to set down and write my book/books. Between all of that, of course there still is work, and my attempt to make art.

There just never is enough time.

I still feel pressure all the time to get organized, and dream of being one of those people who can do like 5 things at once.. and still get to the gym, eat well, and get 8 hours of sleep, but hey, it doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon.

I've thrown a few pics of for you guys to check out and well, just to get you caught up with me and my life.

I hope your all doing well and that good health, love, and happiness is in all of your lives.

Till we meet again,

B

August, 2010

2010-08-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

There's a saying that goes something like this.. "If you want to hear God laugh.. make plans".

And as I get older, live longer, and learn more and more I see that I really know very little. While I'm a miracle and pretty impressive in some ways.. I'm absolutely not perfect, still have lots to work on, and have much more to learn about life and living.

The past few months have been well.. hard. I'm not sure why things have been more challenging than usual but it's been a series of tests for me and all I can say is that I've been trying my best to get through them all.

One of the great things about change and challenge is that unless your dead or completely shut down you have to come out of it having learned something. Whether it's something about yourself that you still have work to do on, or maybe it's something that you didn't believe you'd ever make it through.. and when you do.. you see you have more strength that you thought ever possible.

The whole point is that we learn. And that we are "teachable". To learn, to see, and to understand.. these are the real gifts along the way.

My life has had some pretty big changes as of lately. I'll try my best to get them all down here...

First off of course is health. I'm doing ok, and for today all is ok. I try to remind myself I'm not in a hospital bed, hooked up to Chemo or an IV. I can see, feel, and hear along with having all of my fingers and toes. I try to start with that as a foundation for gratitude and then try and build from there.

Still, I've been struggling with my meds, taking them as well as replacing the one that I recently found out was no longer going to be covered by my insurance. That was a month ago. And so now my depression has come back... big time.

Should I be ashamed of this? Of having to take pills to stay alive or stay positive? I guess it depends on who you ask. Judgment is a funny thing. But at the end of the day, I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks because this is MY life and no one else’s.

I hope tonight will be the last night I go without it. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get back on it.

Tomorrow I also will see my Oncologist Dr. Baron again. It's my 6 month check up again which will be followed up by another set of scans and all the anxiety that they bring.
I'm certain this time they are going to find something because I've been having some pain in my lower ab's above where I had my surgery. Plus I've had intermediate bleeding in my stools over the past few months.

So now before you go saying "Well, why in the hell didn't he go to the doctor and get it checked out".. I will tell you I did try. But my doc seems to think it's internal hemorrhoids or me needing more fiber in my diet. She told me to eat more salad, fiber, etc.. and well it did go away for a while.

But this time I really feel like something’s wrong. I just feel like it's going to be my luck. Again.

Uni has been growing and doing fine. She turned one in June and is now 64 lbs. She is vibrant, beautiful, stoic, a good dog and really beautiful to watch and look at. Oh, and she is totally and completely ball obsessed. No matter what day of the week it is, we can pretty much be found playing throw and catch at Octavia Park.

Having a dog has been a really interesting journey. From learning how to have a puppy, to potty training, to disciplining, to watching her learn how to interact with other dogs. It's all been a big journey for both Shuji and I.

In June we celebrated our 5th Anniversary together. John Legend sings a song called "Ordinary People" in which the lyrics say

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I

And when I look at how much we both have gone through with each other over the past 5 years, and how much we both have learned to change, I see a pretty amazing man, a pretty damn good relationship, and a whole new set of lessons which continue to teach me about expectations, patience, and communication.

Is it easy, oh hell no. Do we fight.. sure. Do I wish I could string him up and use him as a Shuji piñata on certain days.. oh hell yeah.. alllll the time. Ha.

Yet after 5 years, I still look at him sometimes and my heart fills up with love for him, respect for him, and an absolute certainty that he is the one. My soul mate, my best friend, and the only one for me.

Work has totally changed too. About two months ago after having not worked full time in many years, I returned to it and came face to face with all of my insecurities, fears, and doubts. It's been pretty hard. But it's now finally getting better. I see clearly just how insecure I am and just how many issues I still have to work on.

NO ONE is as hard on me as I am and I definitely have alot more work ahead of me to hopefully one day overcome these feelings and behaviors.

But things are now better and I FINALLY feel like I have a handle on Lightspeed, the processes, systems, and responsibilities that I now have. But it's been a hard couple of months for sure. I've have to face my insecurities around my age, my memory, my ability to multi-task, my own ego, and finally facing and dealing with mistakes and constructive criticism.

A few months ago Liam and Leslie left San Francisco to head back to where Liam really belongs.. and that is New Orleans. They hosted a "going away" party for their friends and co-workers, and we both went.

While I ultimately only want them both to be happy, I have to say that was a really hard one to let go of. I absolutely LOVED working with Liam, and he is one of the funniest, and similar people I know to myself. Leslie.. I will NEVER forget our "loud" but fun time and talk in my old ass Toyota truck the time we went dirt bike riding. I miss you both so much!

Some people say I am talented but I'll tell you one thing, Carpentry has NEVER been one of my forte's. Masa on the other hand is incredible at it.

So a few months back I said to Masa "God, I wish I could afford one of those antique Tansu chest's that are from Japan and are like 200 years old". The ones I had been looking at were around a thousand dollars more or less.

Masa replied, "I can make one of those". LOL, well, and so let me tell you all the results are AMAZING! This guy can do ANYTHING I think now.

Below is the drawing I did of what I wanted and then below that is the final piece made out of PLYWOOD! I mean I can't tell you how not only beautiful it looks with the color of stain I picked, but the quality of how he made it is INCREDIBLE.

Now I finally have that one piece of furniture that I've always wanted and I even have it now from someone who I love and consider my "brother". What a gift!

Almost three months ago now I bought what has been one of my "dream" motorcycles. It's a 1998 Honda VFR. I got a great deal on it, it's really nice, and I'm happy that I bought it. I'm still working on the part where I get Shuji to ride on it and we take a "longer" trip, but hey, it's bound to happen if it EVER gets above 50 around here. Here it is before I swapped out the Corbin seat for the stock, and added luggage, frame sliders, a new "louder" horn, a new brighter headlight, new tires, and heated hand grips. OH yeah baby.. I FINALLY have a bike with heated hand grips! Whoo hoo!

I think really the only last few things I want to say or talk about are..

1. I totally miss you Kelly, Jeff, and Isabelle and we both really want to see you all soon and have you finally meet Uni!
2. Ripley, Aaron, and Sara we owe you all a dinner and some "Ripley" time.
3. I miss Quintin and wish I could see him.
4. Went in today and it's been decided that I am going to have to have a colonoscopy next week to address and check out something that is going on.
5. I finally surrendered my dream of my NPO. At least it's not suppose to happen right now.
6. We're going to Australia in October and I can't F'ing wait to FINALLY get a damm break from it all.
7. My new "back porch" studio is fully completed and now I just gotta PAINT!!
8. I really want to go dirt bike riding!
9. I finally got a new sponsor! Thank you Billy
10. The past 6 months have been really hard regarding my teeth, my dentist, insurance, and my new crown. And oh yeah, get ready for my new Video Blog to be launched soon enough.

Ok so that's it for now folks. It's been so long since I did this that "whew", I didn't know this blog would take so long. As always I hope all of you are well, healthy, positive, and are being blessed with all of what you deserve and desire.

All my love to you my friends,

Brian

Uni, Me, Art, and Life......

2010-03-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sigh..... Well, that a night that was last night...

So, First off let's talk about Uni.. The world's most beautiful and perfect puppy.. "which everyone say's about their dog right?". About a month ago, I noticed Uni's right eye has a lot of "shall we say, "eye buggers" in it. We were wiping it and wiping it all the time. Now part of this is because you got two queens who want their puppy to be beautiful alllllll the time. Ha.

But also because it just seemed like her eyes had alot of discharge. So, about a month ago we took her to Mission Pet Hospital and they did a skin scrap, which came back negative for Mange. They also gave us some anti-biotics for her because they thought she might have a bacterial infection in her eye.

Last week while at the park, we ran into this guy who seems really nice and has this dog named Rocky. He looked at Uni and say's, "Look's like you got some mange goin on there little girl". He and I spoke and talked about her and he pointed out the spots where her fur had started to fall out.

Monday I took her back in and well, another scrap and low and behold.. Mange. Gross.

Now, of course this wouldn't be as easy as just mange. There is something like 4 different kinds of mange. Some transferable to humans, some not, some gross, some not.

Uni has this thing called Demodectic Mange. Apparently this is normal for puppies, but it's also nothing to mess around with. It can be a big deal, or a hassle. The treatment ranges from a couple of drops as a treatment, to years of "dips". Grrrrrrrr

If your REALLLLLLLY that interested in it.. you can google it.

So, last night we came home from dinner only to find my puppy on the bed with her right eye completely closed, all swollen, and totally gross. She seems ok, but it looked terrible and painful.

After I talked to Amy's friend, we were off to the Animal Hospital...on the one hand I'm really glad we went. On the other, I wish we had never had never gone.

I've never actually been to an animal hospital before. Neither had Shuji. It was really horrible.

Now as pet owners we've had to learn alot of things. How to make your dog stop peeing, how to get them to stop jumping up at people, and how to make them come back to you when you call their name just to name a few.

But neither one of us have had a puppy before and never experienced the whole process of falling deeper and deeper in love with your dog over time.

So there we are taking a taxi to the pet hospital and we get there and are the only ones.

We sign in, and they say we will be with you in a moment.

Shuji and I take a seat and within a minute or two this couple comes in and their little dog is all but limp. Turns out he has some how become poisoned. This case is more critical than ours, so they go ahead.

Then a girl come is in. Her little rat dog has eaten "rat poison" ? Now I'm not sure how that happens, but in the end they make the dog throw up and he's fine.

But the worse moment of my night and well a "never before horrible moment" happens next.

Suddenly this man comes in with a little white dog, like a bijan. He's holding it in a blanket and say's.. "My dog was just hit by an car"... He's upset but not completely freaking out.

Then the staff member behind the hospital picks up the dog from him and say's.. "I'm sorry it's too late, she's gone". He puts his hand on his head and say's. "Oh no, oh god no"...

Then suddenly his wife and little girl come running through the front door. Both are dressed in their pajamas, and nightcoats.

He tells them about their dog and the whole family breaks down in front of us and the whole waiting room. They are ushered into the back to say their goodbyes.

So for the next half hour we have to sit there listening to the little girl crying and saying, "No, no , why, why".. and the whole family breaking down.

It was beyond terrible. I had to leave the building. Shuji stayed, but he was truly affected by it too.

Finally after all of these other cases, which truly were more immediate than ours, we were seen.

Turns out that Uni's mange is a problem. It needs to be treated, and she needed eye drops, some benadryl and well, a "cone" for her head. She is soooooo not liking it, but hey, it's only for two days. I think we can do it.

All of this needless to say was very intense. It pushed every button I have and have now also added to my list of things that make me nuts.

Shuji's m.o. of course is to turn robotic and just shut off and say, "I'm ok". Shaking my head..ha.

But I on the other hand really got pushed by it. The fact that I haven't been to a meeting in like two weeks didn't help.

So for now, it's all about coming down, taking it a day at a time, and just waiting for her new medicine to come.

Me

In the past few weeks it seems like my mind just has NOT shut off.

Cancer, money, my job, the dog, work, medical insurance, lawyers, betrayals, people and just how fucked up they are, my body, going back to the gym, my legs and knee's, my face, my pills.. god the list goes on and on and on.

While I that I can not control 99 percent of these, I still need to carry on and live.

I just feel like I keep aging and aging over all of this. The stress, worry, wonder, and future tripping is really taking my energy out of me.

Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW it could be worse.. and that I'm actually really blessed to have what I have for right now.

Still, my mind just doesn't seem to shut off.

I guess the solution just lies in more meetings, a new sponsor, prayer, and just taking it slow.

Art

If there's any light in this whole blog thus far.. grin, it's that about two weeks ago, I "think" I finally broke through my what "10 year?", artist's block.

I put together a small, and I mean "really microscopically small" area in the back of our apartment on our porch as my new painting space. I hate it, but I'm trying to deal with it and accept that for now this all of the space I can have to work in.

It's forced me to now work smaller than I have in years.. if not ever and it's made me have to really focus on what I'm doing right in front of me, instead of being distracted by all of what is going on around me.

I'm not used to working 20"x30" but so far it's been pretty good. I've now gotten 6 new pieces out in two weeks and I think now the hard part will continuing with it and not stalling out.

I've put a few up here for you all to see, plus they are also on my Facebook page too.

I'm looking forward to my new easel and I hope that makes things alittle better too.

Next stop, Visual Aid's art bank and another grant application!

Life

As the old saying goes, "The only thing constant in Life.. is change".

I use to say that I've now learned the difference between a crisis and an event. However lately, it's been a little harder for me to divide the two. The mind get's going, the negative and worry some thoughts start rolling and well, it's off and running time for me.

I keep trying to tell myself, your life is great, you have so much to be grateful for, it could be soooo much worse and all of the other things we tell ourselves in an attempt to keep things in perspective and to be humble and well balanced.

But let's face it folks.. the last three years have basically sucked for me.

And now I'm at the point where I feel I'm just being worn down by it. Both physically and mentally I'm tired. Tired of the nonstop, non-ending drama and stress.

But what can you do.. I mean really? Nothing.. One of the first things that you learn when you come to AA is the concept of Powerlessness. And this my friends is still harder than hell to accept for me at times.

I can not control people, places or things. I can not control my health, my body, my future. And I certainly can not control life or the way it goes. I have to just deal with it just like everyone else does.

So at the end of the day.. it's just life.. and then you die.

LOL

till next time,

B

February 2010

2010-02-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

Things have been weird. I don't know.. just weird. Hard, frustrating, and change seems to be always happening to me.

Two weeks ago now I had my knee surgery. All went well except I got totally sick from the anesthesia and had to spend 24 hours in the hospital vomiting which was really not fun.

It's pretty amazing actually. I mean I went in and from the time they put me to sleep until the time I woke up it was 20 minutes. Really. I mean they can fix your knee that fast and at an very affordable cost of only 8 thousand dollars.. wow.. such a deal! Who says we need national health care. Ha,please.. Health care for the rich only!!! and plus, I got a movie of the whole procedure..whoopee!

Um, yeah, ok, anyways so it's been a bit frustrating but overall I can tell already two weeks out that it's better that it was. I know it will take a while before I can go dirt bike riding and do steps and workout like I was doing before, but I know it will heal. God knows little by little this ole body of mine is falling apart.

I've been mostly struggling with feelings over all of the health and physical stuff that have pursued me over the past 3 years. It's really hard for me to not feel like I'm being picked on, overly tested, and just down right cursed with bad luck. It's really hard to not take it personally, and to then just feel sorry for myself.

I have to make a REAL effort to keep it all in balance and perspective. I keep revisiting images of Haiti in order to do that and I keep also trying to remind myself of all of the great things I do have.

Cancer, Chemo, Radiation, Multiple surgeries, surgeries gone bad, friendships lost, money and trust lost, car accidents, changes at work and financially, and now another surgery this time for my knee because of Karen's car accident and finally this past week a bad experience at the Dentist, a new "temporary" crown and a $680.00 bill AFTER my so called insurance.

I just feel like a really need and DEFINITELY DESERVE a fuckin break. But apparently God seems to think not yet since even as recently as last night my key broke off in my luggage lock after Shuji and I had just had a wonderful relaxing night out and dinner. I returned to my bike to find that the Givi key was broke and there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY to open these frickin boxes without one.

So there we were totally away from home and I had to illegally ride down Market St. with no helmet or gloves on, praying that a cop would not see me along the way. I felt sooooo exposed and vulnerable. Yikes!

And so the "tests" just keep on a comin. I feel like I just can't seem to catch a break. I can't help but ask, "Why does this shit ALWAYS happen to me?".

One thing that I am excited about is that I've now applied and am enrolled in a course for me to get my Real Estate License.

For years people have always said to me, "Brian, you are so good at selling and you really like working with people, you love architecture and design, why don't you sell real estate?". So now I've decided I am gonna give it a try. The market is bad, but I still want to try this, now while things are slow, hopefully only to really know my shit when it comes back.. provided I live that long.. "rolling my eyes".

It's definitely time for me to make some changes since it's been shown to me that some things are not going to change. And as I've learned over the years, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over.. and expecting different results". And I'm done with that. No more ignoring facts, and no more ignoring my instincts.

I mean this might FINALLY make me the narrower and more rigid person I've always tried to NOT be, but hey, I'm done with just freely giving people the benefit of my doubts and just freely trusting them.

I guess it's high time I do this since over the past year I've had MANY examples of when I did this and got burned or taken advantage of.

Another thing on my mind is just how big of a part Uni continues to become of my life. She is still learning, testing, and experiencing her young life and is a joy to have. We finally decided that we must have a dog walker and tried out this guy, but again.. I didn't listen to my instincts and now have to find a new one. Again, lesson learned.

So I guess at the end of the day, the whole point is "PAY ATTENTION".

Pay attention to your instincts, the signs you receive, and the thoughts that cross your mind about your choices, life, and surroundings and then OBEY them.

I guess it's just like they say, "The only thing that is constant in life... .is change".

Here's hoping that your all doing ok and rolling with what your life is "changing" on you.

Love,

Brian

2010 A New Year Begins

2010-01-24T21:19:00.001-08:00

So far most of the people I've spoken to have said that they were not only really happy to get to the end of 2009, but that they were also now really disappointed at the way 2010 is has been starting out for them.

Surely seeing an entire country being leveled, hundreds of thousands of people buried alive or killed in the wake of a 7.0 earthquake, only to survive in total chaos and poverty didn't help my determination to be more positive and focused on the "good" rather than the bad.

The seemingly unending images from Haiti have brought me to tears more times in the past two weeks than I can count. Sure we have telethons, donations, millions of dollars, and support and supplies headed there, but the disorganization, looting, and delays will cost even more their lives and chance for survival.

I try to think about all of these things when I find myself heading into the negative and "less than grateful" side of my thinking.

Instead, all I have to do is look at my partner. Who with his patience, wisdom, humor, and understanding of just how sensitive and emotional of a person I can be at times makes it all seem possible for me to get through.. without becoming sad, angry, bitter and overwhelmed with the negative...all because I have him.

In the past few weeks I've had a number of situations that really tested my thoughts and beliefs in people, trust, and friendships. Relationships that I thought were stable, secure, and honest, have now proved to be not.

I've also learned that because of my recent auto accident, I now will be required to have knee surgery on February 10th. The Orthopedic doctor, "my second opinion" did many more test, MRI's and X-rays only to find that I have a post medial tear in my meniscus.

Unfortunately, this will not be going away by itself, and is not treatable with massage, vitamins, or even physical therapy. I've been told it will only get worse over time without this surgery.

Additionally, my right foot since I have been compensating with, is now extremely sore and barely able to be stood upon. My heal has a fracture which was never treated and now may need to be treated as well.

In April I will be going in for my next post Cancer scans and I'm already nervous about that too.

And if all of that wasn't enough, I broke a tooth a week or two back and will need it to be crowned or pulled. And my hours at work have now been cut and my recovery time after the knee surgery will be obviously affecting how long I will be away from work.

More bills, less money, more time at doctors, and more bills from medical visits. And the usual bills and costs just keep coming too.

It's really enough to get you down, make you feel overwhelmed by it all, and to feel like your not only constantly in a war with the country, the economy, but life itself.

The truth is I know I am NOT alone in this, and that I have much much more than many others and much to be still grateful for. All I have to do is turn on the television and watch those scenes of Haiti and instantly it's all brought into perspective.

The next few months will prove to be challenging I'm sure. There will be changes and periods that I'm sure will test my belief in a "Higher Power" and it's care and protection of me and my life.

Right now what I'm really focusing in on is "One Day at a Time". Keeping it simple, focusing on the positive, and doing what I need to do for myself to stay calm, sane, and focused on the solutions.. not the problems.

Each day I wake up, I will try to remember how bad it could be.. and how blessed and lucky I am just to be alive, to be "just for today" Cancer free, to have a home, food in my refrigerator, and the pills and medicines that I need here.

To be thankful for my friends and their support and true care for me and my well being.

And lastly but not least, for Shuji. For without him, I could not do this.

My humor and outside appearance often mask my true insides. The self who is often depressed over all of this, and also is at times just as insecure, unsure, and overwhelmed by it all... just like all of you would be.

2010 has just begun, and as we all know, much can happen in eleven months. I'll just try and take it one day at a time.. and see just where this new year and it's journey takes me.

Here are some images that show how the year wrapped up for me, and some happy memories to look back and reflect upon.

Love,

B

Happy New Year to you all

2009-12-30T23:37:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow at this time the New Year will be minutes away and we'll be preparing to bring in 2010.

Each year brings me more to learn, more to live through, and more experiences to explore and grow from. The lessons continue, the goals are still sought after, and my mind teaches me over and over what I want in life, what really matters and just what to expect from people, myself and the universe.

I've said this many times before but one of the greatest things about growing older I have found for me, is the knowledge of the difference between a crisis and an event. Things seem to matter a whole lot less, while still others matter more. You learn what are the "little things" and that everything can be just that if you think the right way.

You care a whole lot less about your waistline and much more about your "lifeline". The people around you, the support, love, and care you get from the ones closest to you, whom you can trust, and how far you would have to reach if you ever needed help.

Gratitude has become the daily stepping off point from which I try to build my day around.

I have a loving partner who while not perfect in every way, is perfect in all the ways that I need the most, and which I can fully depend and trust on when times get really tough to be there for me and who will not abandon me.

A beautiful new life with four legs who has brought me closer to loving another one of God's creatures and who has taught me to show up for a commitment and stay with that commitment even when I was sick, tired, or just not feeling "it". In return I have been given unconditional love from her and many smiles and much laughter.

I have lived yet another year Cancer free. And this is all that matters. Not what next year will bring, but that this year, I have been given another year without Cancer in my body and 12 months of being alive.

My sobriety, my job, my friends both old and new, and my creativity all are gifts that have continued to shower and surround me all year long. And for all of these things I am enormously grateful and thankful for.

It really is good to be alive, and it's even better to be able to appreciate and be grateful for the gift of what living really is. It could definitely be far worse.

This coming year my goals are to be more positive in my attitude, thoughts and in my words. To pay less attention to negativity, energy, people and sources that help keep me down and self-centered with judgement and fear.

To finally try and make it back to my artwork. To create and paint pieces that reflect who I am and relay my messages and experiences from the past few years.

To return to the book I started writing and to make a commitment to finish it.

And lastly to care more for my body, soul, and spirit by staying more disciplined with my meds, taking time daily to meditate, and getting back to the gym and a better diet to better my body and overall quality of health and life.

I wish each of you all of the above and still more in 2010. I thank you for being my friends and for all of the support, love, and care you have exchanged with me over this past year.

May 2010 bring you, your family, and loved ones the best of health, great happiness, love, and a spirit of peace all year long.

With love,

Brian

Life on Life's Terms....

2009-12-01T00:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it's hard to believe that the year is almost at an end already. Geez..
I remember my father saying to me when I was younger, "The older you get, the faster life seems to go". I thought he was crazy when he said it. I mean, how can life go faster? But wow.. I'll be darned if it doesn't seem to.

The past few weeks have been pretty intense. My last scan showed up a few hick-ups as it usually does but Dr. Baron seemed to think it was nothing.

In November my NPO held it's second annual Green Card Lottery Assistance Program and well, I have to say while I was alittle disappointed, we at least held our own and had the same number of applicants this year as last.. and given the recession well, hey, I was ok with it.

Shuji and I have really settled down into our schedule with Uni and she is such a beautiful dog. I mean, god.. from the worlds most adorable puppy to this beautiful dog now. It's really cool too how she listens to me, and behaves "most" of the time.

Shuji, Masa and I have been hanging out alot lately and it's been nice to see more of Masa and to help him with this "change" period in his life. I love Masa and I love being with him.

For Thanksgiving the three of us went out to the Beach Chalet along side the Great Highway and ate till we all almost popped. Our timing was perfect as we sat down to a 3 course meal just as the sun was setting out in the ocean. Beautiful!

You know, there is a saying in AA that says, "If you want to hear God laugh...make plans". Ha, and well, it's certainly been true for this past month. I've always known that there's a big difference between having your instincts.. and actually LISTENING TO AND OBEYING THEM. And this past month I've had a number of experiences where I now have to admit that I didn't do so well at the above when I had the chance to.

Sure, I know the difference between a Crisis and an Event.. but damn.. sometimes it's just so hard to let shit go and just trust in the end results.

On November 19th, I was in a car accident that was well, very very intense.. let's just say that it was the worst accident I have ever been in, I am still very sore and injured and probably will be for quite some time. I'm quite certain I will be needing Chiropractic work for my neck and back, and the "Hand Specialist" I saw today seems to think I have torn/ripped tendons and a bone chip in my left hand.

After 3 hours today of extremely uncomfortable and even painful MRI's.. I hope to know more later in the week.

I hope you all had nice Thanksgivings and I'll keep in touch,

Love, and Happy Holidays,

Brian

Uni and me 11/1/09

2009-11-04T00:57:00.000-08:00

Recently.....

2009-10-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a little while and I wanted to just let you all know what's been going on with me/us/our family.

So, let's see...

Last night I went to see Steely Dan at the Nob Hill Auditorium to hear the entire Asia album in it's entirety. It was really a great venue, and our seats could not have better.. The lead vocals by Donald Fagen, well, were.. tired but damn he is 61... so they had the instrumentals and the back up vocals compensating for it. Still it was a great trip down memory lane for both Masa and I.

Shuji and I are doing fine. He's working, I'm working, and we now finally have this whole dog schedule thing down to a schedule that we both can live with. Last weekend we took a few hours out and went to the "Dirtbag Build off Challenge" and much to my surprise he actually enjoyed it. The "Dirtbag" is a event that happens every year and you have one month and one thousand dollars to design, build, and run a bike that actually works! It's a big contest and party that all real bikers enjoy going to. There is beer, bikes, brauts, broads, and well, boys.. LOL.. ok, I just had to add that in for Shuji and my sake.. LOL.

There were many bikes, bikers, tires burned out to rubber, and even a Japanese rock band. We both saw a few bikes that were really impressive and well designed too. Shuji spotted a couple of dragsters even and had to do a complete Japanese inspection to them.. grin.

Work is fine for me albeit I'd like alittle more cash coming in. Our rent has gone up, and this past month it was all about money, money, money.

I now have dental insurance to pay for, Uni's pet insurance, and a rental fee for my dirt bike now, not including the car sharing membership, gym, and storage fee. It just keeps getting tighter and tighter it seems.

After much deciding I even had to sell my gold for some cash to pay bills and get caught up and ahead on somethings.

Still, I know I'm so blessed and lucky to have what I have. A home, a family, an incredible partner, friends, my sobriety, and my health above all else. It's funny how priorities get "reviewed" after cancer happens to you.. grin.

Unfortunately, this doesn't happen to most people until AFTER they get hit by a life-threatening illness or loose a loved one or life. The trick for me was to ALWAYS know this lesson, remember it, and be grateful for it before, during and afterwards. I know I did that.

Uni is well..... 7 month old now and she has grown up soooo fast into a well... "wood eating dog".. Yes folks you heard me right. In the past two weeks I've come home to not one, but 3 pieces of furniture that have been ruined for life. And for anyone who knows me.. "I mean REALLY knows me, knows that I am a "home/design/image" conscious person. Now, ok, I know what you are saying.. "conscious" person.. ? please.. he loves his house, paints it like every year, and is total lighting diva.. and LOL. .well, ok, so your right.. but these two weeks with the furniture thing .. LORD I'm tellin you.... I have had to try and accept more than I EVER EVER EVER thought I would do with this damn dog...

And.. it's only getting worse.. first it was the folding table, then the kitchen table, "I don't want to even talk about that one" then the 150 dollar house/crate I bought, and now.. today.. my fuckin entire entertainment center..
Sure, it's only IKEA but I'm telling you.. if she even THINKS about touching my 42" TV.... that's it.. she's is going back. I'm tellin ya'll right now.. I WILL BRING HER BACK... LOL

The problem is she's bored and well, I can't be home for 3 days a week.. so.. on those days.. she is here alone for 6 hours.. not a good thing.. for a 6 month old puppy? Oh hell no..

So, we are gonna have to find something to do about this.. cause I'm tellin you.. if she even thinks about jumpin on that tv........

Ok, let's move on... I'm getting angry again.. Ha..

I do want to say one thing too that has happened recently regarding my health, and also a MAJOR personal accomplishment that I had.

I had my lastest scan last month and as per usual my pathologist said to me that they saw "something" near my groin, and also something "new" and never seen before on my right jaw area, near my lymph node. Well, after a number of contacts with him, it became clear that he was not giving me the kind of attention and interaction that I feel I deserve and expect from a doctor who is treating me for Cancer.

A few days later my friend Sam, who is a nurse diagnosed me in like 4 seconds and pointed out that I probably had a infection from some dental work, "which just happened to be on the same side of my body btw" as the spot was via the pet scan.

Lesson One is: This is nobody's life by yours. You can, must, and deserve more than a flip comment or thirty second diagnosis of your health from ANY medical provider. If you are not assertive BEFORE you get diagnosed with something, you sure as hell will learn to become so afterwards, cause honey, ain't no body give a shit about you... no..not really.

In this country "for now at least", it's push them through, get their insurance card, and pack'em in as full as a day's hours will allow. Sad and disgusting, but true.

The second BIG, like REALLY REALLY BIG thing that I did was go to the dentist, get dental insurance and be seen twice in one month for regular dental work. WITHOUT NEEDING TO BE PUT TO SLEEP OR HAVING SURGERY TO DO SO.

I feel like I've found a turning point in my road with Dentist's and wow.. it feels good. Not that I like going, but hey, at least this time I sat there, no pain, and felt sedated enough to endure the whole experience. I think I have finally found a dentist that I can trust in. Time will tell.

-----------------------------------------------

Today was a great day. It started out bad, but it now is ending calm, quiet, and with Bizet's Entr'acte lll.

Shuji and I rented a City Car Share car today and went out to Fort Funston, and let Uni run until she dropped. The weather was beautiful, and Shuji really needed it as did I. This past week has been a really shitty one. Uni is now at 7 months and the "bad behavior" is starting to show up.

She had not only chewed a folding table, but my own kitchen table leg and yesterday the corner of the entertainment center.
It was really good for me today to talk to a lady who totally understood and also shared her war stories with me. When she said the hand blown glass bowl... I just had to laugh out loud.. ahhh the joys of puppies.

After a meltdown this am, which I really needed to get out, Shuji and I actually had a quiet, relaxed day. Dog included.

It's moments right now, like this at 11:26pm.. that I want to freeze time and just revel in the moment.

Shuji is working on the kitchen table on his model, Uni is asleep on the living room floor, I'm typing here, and there is classical music on. We're all separately doing our own things, together.. as a family. While it's stressful, frustrating, and at times too much... This is the kind of moments in my own life that I never thought were going to be possible or meant for me.

I truly do have the right man. I am not sure, but I think the right dog, and my life is fine. Just fine. AA taught me to be grateful for what I have, and to see that none of it is possible if I ever use or drink again. This combined with a constant effort to find and see "balance" in my life is what I know to be the best way for me.

While this isn't the life I wrote or imagined for myself it clearly is the one that God has decided is what I should have. And it's moments like this one right now.. at 11:32 pm that makes me happy to have it.

Love,

Brian

Who Knew?

2009-09-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well first off let me just say "Thank You" to everyone who has been sending me really nice emails wishing me well and supporting me on the road to feeling better. You guys have NO IDEA how much your thoughts and prayers really mean to me. I need all of you guys!

Ok, so your never gonna believe this one...

Alright so the other day I went down to the corner store to get some lunch. Sam, who is the owner and is from Israel and who has been a nurse for 20 years sat down with me. She's been a great friend and knows all about my health and all of the stuff I've gone through in the past few years.

I told her about my latest scans and if was just totally unreal. Within seconds of me finishing my sentence she looked at me and said, "Have you recently been to the Dentist or had any dental pain?". I was stopped in my tracks because she was totally correct and well, how could she have known?

Yes, I said. "Well, there you go" she replied. I answered her with "What do you mean, there you go?".

Sam went on to explain her theory was that I had gone into the Dentist and as a result of having 3 fillings done and having had work done inside my mouth, the body kicks in it's Immune System to fight off any kind of infection. Part of that is my lymph nodes getting bigger and or becoming "activated".

The truth was that I had gone in on a Thursday for my Dentist visit, then on Friday had my scans. It had been about two weeks since the Dentist, and I had actually been having some pain since then.. "reason for my lymph nodes to swell?" and then on Monday of last week, got incredibly sick, "super high fever aka fighting an infection"...

Wow.. I was blown away at how fast she had diagnosed this. And she wasn't even my doctor.

What made it all make even more sense was that on the scan my right armpit was where the "spot" had shown up "my lymph node".. and I had been getting the work done and feeling pain on my right side of my mouth too!!! Can you believe it?

So, well, after all of this, I emailed my doctors and have not heard back from either of them.. LOL..go figure.

But the end of the story really is that now I feel better about it all and well, I won't be getting scanned again to be sure, until my next normally scheduled one. This latest theory makes sense to me and hell, I am ok with it being the answer to it all. I've decided to wait now till the beginning of next year to do the scans again.

I have always said that if you were not an assertive person before you get something like this, you sure as hell will become one if you ever expect to get your health needs met. I am sure of one thing: that with the amount of bs that doctors put people through, and the even more bs that the insurance companies do, YOU MUST DEFEND YOURSELF, DEMAND WHAT YOU WANT, AND NOT GIVE UP UNTIL YOU GET IT.

No one else is gonna do if for you, unless your lucky enough to have an advocate, partner, or husband/wife to do it in your behalf. Even so, YOU deserve what you want/need from your doctors and if your unhappy, unsatisfied, DON'T LET IT GO UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. IT'S YOUR LIFE, YOUR BODY, AND YOUR FUTURE.

Clearly put, DOCTOR'S DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. Anyone who thinks they do, is clearly mistaken. Just ask me.. I'll give you at least 10 examples of when they either fucked something up, were wrong, or just overlooked something.

--------------------

Yesterday was a GREAT great day and I'm so grateful for days and friends like what I had/have.

Ever since we got Uni I've changed my attitude about having her. At first it was such hard work, such a major change, and well, it caused ALOT of tension between Shuji and I. But now I have fallen in love with her and things are so much better as she continues to grow up, and grow on us both.

I wanted to take her to the Ocean ever since we got her and so yesterday Karen, Masa, Uni and myself all went out to Fort Funston and it was great. She is so popular and get's so many compliments from people on her ears.. ha. It was alittle scary to take her off leash but you know.. SHE ACTUALLY came back to me time after time. There was two times when she was so distracted I got forgotten.. ha.. but over all it was such a great time.

She is really going to be a beautiful dog.

To be healthy, free, in a loving relationship that has taken time, work, "many fights", and many compromises.. and to have friends in my life who love me, don't judge me, and support me and my life, along with just being grateful to be alive, out of a hospital, at the Ocean and to see it's size and beauty.. well, it was just a great, great day.

I'm so grateful for what I have and my life.

Sure I could complain about stuff, and of course money is tight, but with all of the other things I have.. my life is just great.. just for today!

Here's a picture of Uni enjoying the freedom and life that we all deserve.. Enjoy!

Medical News, Choices, and Feelings

2009-09-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad day.

I'm not sure why but yesterday after eating my lunch I got this really big hit with feeling incredibly sick. I was fine and then I was almost dying.... all within 30 minutes. I was so sick in fact that I had to call Karen, and Masa to help me. I could not take Uni out because I could not make it down the stairs. I spiked this insane fever that lasted all night and into this morning.

I have not felt this sick, since I was doing Chemo. My whole body ached, I had chills, fever, and I was so incredibly exhausted. It felt like a night sweat. Thankfully Masa and Karen came to my rescue. Masa stayed until Shuji got home even and was here in case something happened. Thank you Masa for that. And Thank You Karen for your help too.

Today I feel better. I'm still not great but better. At least my fever has broken.

Yesterday and even a little today has brought up so many feelings for me about being sick, being well, my life with Shuji, our future, the amount of time we have with each other, things that I can't control, and even my own guilt for being someone who's health changes weekly. I still grapple with old tapes that say I should apologize for being who I am and how my life is now and the complications that it brings to a partner and relationship.

I'm just going to rest until I see how I feel today.

Last week I got the results of my latest scan from Dr. Baron and he told me that the scan showed two areas of interest. One which had not been on any scan before, and the other had been on previous ones.

The latest scan shows two spot. One in my right arm pit. The second on my pelvis area. The pelvis spot has been found on scans I had before. I still do not know what it is, but there is nothing to be felt, and I suggested it might be my Gortex that I had Dr. Kevin Hyler put into me.

I went in and had Dr. Baron re-examine me because I felt that he rushed through the first exam so fast that he barely could have even felt any lymph nodes, let alone the one that was now showing up on my scan.

He found that my right arm pit did in fact have a tangible spot. When he compared it to my left arm, he felt that it was the same on both arms and that because they were both soft, pliable, and it was not of concern at this time.

So the bottom line is this.

I feel like there is something wrong about the fact that this spot has never shown up before and I don't want to wait another 6 months to be rescanned only to find out it is in fact Cancer and it has now grown. I want to be rescanned now and after emailing Dr. Baron, he said I could be rescanned in 4 months.. not six.

To make all of this even more complicated Dr. Baron has also told me that even if there is a spot found ANYWHERE in my body, that this does not mean we can automatically do a biopsy. It may be too small, or in a place that is impossible to reach. Therefore, once again in this case, POWERLESS.

So I wrote a letter to my Primary Doctor and I will see what she recommends. But for today I'm gonna keep it really simple, be grateful, and hope for the best.

Love,

Brian

Uni's New Big Ass House

2009-09-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is really sick, twisted, and totally wrong.. LOL.. but if you can see the video, minus the dark video, it's F*ckin Hilarious!
You gotta love Shuji.. he can actually fit inside with room to spare. Hell, in Japan, this is a studio apartment. LOL.. enjoy!

Dancin Shuji and Uni... to Whitney's Remix

2009-09-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so first off this is freakin cute and funny as hell I think.
SO, of course you know that Whitney Houston has been doing this comeback thing right?

Well, 5 minutes after the album dropped there as at least 50 different remixes. Well, here's Shuji, "well Shuji at first" gettin his groove on and showing the world just how bad he actually dances.... and then well, a small interuption..LOL

You'll see.. Check it out and enjoy!

Brian

More waiting..

2009-09-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

So as the old saying goes, "The only thing that is constant in life.. is change", so does mine.

I called my Pathologist the other day and made my annual 6 month appointment to see him and to do a new set of scans.

That was last week, and well, while the office visit took under 5 minutes, the scans "both pet and ct" took hours. And as usual you don't get immediate answers or results. So, it's back to the same ole same ole in terms of finding out what they say.

That was last week Thursday. This week on Monday I started playing email with my Doctor and well, the latest scans show that there are two new "spots" and or "shadows".

One is just to the side of my "mid line" around where my ribcage is located. Now this has been a thing in the past, cause it was diagnosed last year as my Diverticulitis. However now again it's still reappearing and it's got my doctor looking into it further.

The second and more scary one is a "shadow" located in my right arm pit, where your lymph nodes are located. This one showed up on the PET but not on the CT scan. So, I know have to go in and have him examine me again.

The one big thing that I have recently had to learn and struggle with accepting now is that it's very likely and very common that for people who have had cancer and are being checked for remission is that sometimes a spot or shadow will appear on a scan, but it will be so small, and or so hidden that it's not possible to even biopsy.

In these cases, you simply have to wait for it to grow, and all the while feel like you have a ticking time bomb in you, just waiting to go off. It sucks. Talk about repeated lessons around powerlessness and patience.

Obviously I always want him to come back and say, "Every thing's clear, no problems" all the time, but each time it's a struggle not to get super anxious and worried.

So, hopefully tomorrow I'll hear back and or go see him sooner than later to have him finally make a call on this "shadow" in my armpit and the one in my pelvis area.

I've already considered whether or not I'd do chemo again and the answer is yes. But only one more time. I'm not gonna be one of these 15 timers. I'd rather choose to make the remainder of my life great, rich, full and happy than spend it doing that shit over and over to only loose in the end.

So, there you have it. It's not pretty, but it's real.

I only ask that you pray for me, or at least think good thoughts for me to be strong and positive until I know further.

Love,

Brian

Finally.. a family

2009-08-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been alittle while guys and so I thought I'd check in with everyone and just let you all in on some of the things going on here.

Shuji and I have been adjusting to our addition to the apartment and to our lives, little Miss Uni. She has really been alot of work and I would HIGHLY advise anyone who is thinking of getting a puppy.. to think twice.. because it's an unreal amount of work. It's great cause you really do get to see them grow up from a little baby, but the "No" and the "wait", and the "Good girl's" that you'll be saying are countless, not to mention the pee, poop, and papers you'll be stepping on and in for months.

She is really beautiful and she has changed sooo much in just the few weeks we have had her. She's become a really beautiful dog.

Shuji and I have finally settled down into a schedule that seems to work, "most day's", and I've now taken her to a few parks where she can run free, while still having the leash on. We have given her 3 baths now and while it's still abit of a struggle, Shuji seems to have it down pretty damn well.

I've been pretty frustrated overall though at the lack of time that I have for seemingly anything as of late. I started painting our bedroom and it's now week 2 and it's not even done. Between coats of paint, work, the dog, all the paperwork and bs that this new condo is taking up, and the JSCSF's new Japanese website I feel like I'm in a constant state of time wasting and or distractions.

There just is no time for the gym, or to even get the simplest of things done.

At the end of the day however, I still have NOTHING to complain about. Cancer free, and I now have a man who loves me, and the laughter it brings watching him with one of his big dreams, "having a dog", finally come true for him and all the joy she brings him. It's really a joy to watch them together. They look so cute it's sickening. Ha.

This month will bring another set of scans to me and yes, I'm already abit worried and anxious about them.

I seem to always be thinking in the back of my head that this is gonna come back... it's hard not to worry about it. I try to block it out, or say to myself, "it will if you keep thinking that way", but I just can't help but worry about it.

I'll let you all know when they are done and the results are in.

Last week was Shuji's Birthday, "42" .. he'd kill me if he knew I was posting that, ha.. and we had a really nice little night with only two other friends over and some cake. He still looks like he's 12 anyways, so it's sooo not a fair deal. .Ha.

Lastly, we've now completed our BMR application for this newest condo and now we're waiting till next week to find out if we have won. I'm alittle nervous about it, but hey, it's in God's hands.. not mine. If it's his will, it will happen.

One interesting thing for me at least, "and alittle hard too" is this whole new set of feelings that I have been having about my life and just how good it is, how complete it is, and how much I deserve. It's really weird and while Shuji can't and doesn't understand it... I do.

I never thought I would ever look back on my life and say, "Wow.. I have a partner who is great, I have a nice home, money in the bank, I have survived HIV, and Cancer, and now we live together and even have a dog to make up our family. I have 20 years of being clean and sober, and I even have dental insurance, a cd account and a job that I love".

Talk about blessed!

Therefore even the thought of my life getting even better and my attempting to take it to the next level of my biggest dream of all, "owning a home" is well, really hard to wrap my head around.

All the old thoughts come in. All the old tapes, fears, doubts, and "what if's" flood my brain and well, it's a whole lot.

While I know it's still One Day at at Time... I can't help but feel all of the wreckage of my past, and all of the fears that I still have for the future.

Well, anyways in the meantime, I took some pics and thought I'd share them with you all.

I'll be in touch and let you all know what happening with this condo thing, and my health. Until then, I love you all and hope your all well, and healthy.

Love,
Brian

Uni and me.....

2009-08-01T19:09:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I hate to be all like, "Oh look at me and my cute dog".. but I took this picture yesterday and well, I just really like it. I hope you do too.

A better and more informed blog entry soon to follow.

Brian

Getting you all caught up...

2009-07-19T22:12:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been a hectic few months now and I wanted to get everyone caught up with what's been going on and what's yet to come.

As most of you know, Shuji and I took a really big step a little over a month ago and adopted a puppy from the SFSPCA.
When I first saw her, I knew she was going to be an incredible dog. She is a Shepperd mix, and no one really seems to know what with. What we do know is that she is incredibly beautiful, has amazing ears that everyone goes ga ga over, and that she is NOT going to be 25 lbs when she is full grown... grin.

Adopting her has been both really fun, and also incredibly stressful. I think looking back on this whole thing so far, it's been mostly me who has made it not so much fun. I am such a control freak and well, since I take such pride in my home being clean, nice and a place where people are impressed at how much I've done to it, I had some "adjusting" to do when she had her first accident, when I stepped in "fluid" on the kitchen floor, and well, when I realized that she didn't know not only her name, but me.

It's been really hard on Shuji and my relationship too. I now fully know the extent of what people were talking about when they said.. "a puppy is ALOT of work" and "this is a long term, serious, commitment" not to mention "dogs are expensive".

But even having said all of that, I've wanted a dog for years and now I have one. She is so cute it's pathetic, and yes I know EVERYONE says that about their dogs and cats.. she really truly is soo frickin beautiful.

I'll work on some new pics as soon as I can..

--------

About a week ago Shuji and I went through probably the worst moment of our relationship thus far. It was a really painful time for us both, and I still am processing it. He seems, "in typical Japanese fashion", to be able to be done and over it, but I still am looking at my part in it, my words, my actions, and what I learned from it all.

I truly believe in my deepest part of my soul, that you God brought him to me when I was finally ready for a relationship. He came out of no where, as as the cliche says, "when I least expected it", but I just KNOW he is the one. The one who will save me, help me, love me, forgive me, and stay with me even in my darkest moments. He's not you God, but he's the one that you clearly picked for me. I really believe this and I also believe that I've seen it in the way he stood by me during my whole cancer and surgeries and health issues and challenges over the past 3 years now.

And I love him more and believe in all of this more than I have in any other human being before in my lifetime.

One day at a time

---------------------

I've got my next CT/PET scans coming up in August and well, I'm already freakin out about them a bit. I did go to my regular doctor last week and while I've lost a few t-cells, she continues to tell me not to worry about it. My viral load is now back to undetectable.

I know I can not change anything by worrying about it. I mean, since two times before a "mass" had been seen on my scans, which then proved to be nothing... I keep trying to tell myself it's all gonna be ok. You and everyone got this early enough on, and it's all behind you now. But it's obviously not that easy.

Whatever the future brings I know my meds, stress, and happiness is what must be in the forefront of my vision. We all have an undetermined amount of time here and I know that I have a role in how each day turns out. At the end of the day when I close my eyes I want to be able to say I am at peace.

___________________________

I'm pretty excited about my NPO, all be it dead in the water for all intent and purposes.

I'm now working on finally getting a all Japanese version of it up online. I added some meta-tag words to each page and it's remarkably added many more hits to the site. Still nothing in terms of enrollment, but hey, interest and attention is good.

I advertised for some more new volunteers on Craig's List, and got 4 who seem to be really promising. I've already set up a whole list of projects and things I want to put into motion for us.

I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

------------------------------------

Lastly, Shuji and I are still debating about buying a home, and we will be applying for another BMR condo that I found here in San Francisco. It's a totally new development, and it's looks nice. We'll see.

I'm "JONES'IN" super bad for a new motorcycle and truck too, but hey, with this economy and the jobless rate, I am just making it. There will be no splurges just yet.

In September I'll be going to NYC for my annual one week trip and I am looking forward to it. I've got the hotel all booked and well, it's NYC.. there's always something to do.

---------------------------------

So, I hope this catches you all up on what's new here with me at least and I hope you and all your loved ones are in good health and doing fine.

Let me know...

Until next time,

Love,

Brian

Hollister is definitely "boaring"!

2009-06-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well I finally got to take my dirt bike out this weekend and go to Hollister with the guys from the shop. The ride down was fun with Dante and we all got our shit together pretty quick and actually made good time. I was so happy that Dayve Black could join us! I now think I fully understand the pressure and time and commitment it takes to raise a child "aka Uni".

We all got up early on Sunday morning and took trucks down there and it was great weather. We found our "usual" spot and immediately got on the bikes. The sun was out and yet it was not really hot.. great riding weather.

It seemed really weird for me at first to ride my bike because I have only ridden it 3 times before. I felt unsure, uneasy and really cautious.. unlike the last time. I'm not sure why really. Maybe it was because it had been a while, maybe because I am so frickin tired and exhausted from my own life, or maybe it was just nothing.

Either way by the 3rd time out I was feeling better.

I was the first to crash. I seem to do this everytime I go dirtbike riding now. It's like a part of my "routine" for the day or something. I ride for 10 mins and then wipe out. LOL Then I'm pretty much good to go for the day.

Brian H was the next one. Brian hit some really hard pack and really messed up his leg, hip, and skin. His pants ripped right through and he really ate it hard on what seemed like asphalt. The dirt was soooo hard and it was really dry all around Hollister this weekend.

Then it was Dante's turn. His first wipe out was not so bad. He seemed to push is finger however way back into his hand. He got up but was pretty good after this.

Sometimes you just crash cause you do. There's no really good reason I think. You just do it. Either you don't respond fast enough or maybe you freak out and then wham, your down. Dave's fall was like this. He just blanked out on where he wanted to go.

I got totally lost as we made our way out of the turnaround. The guys went right, I went left, and ended up going higher and higher into the hills. I kept thinking, "omg, this has to come down somewhere". I was making a pretty steep climb up into a right hand turn and sure enough, over the edge I went and my bike fell down an embankment about 7 feet and I was all alone.

The endorphins kicked in and well, after 4 attempts and almost complete exhaustion I got the bike and myself back up onto the road. Finally I made my way back down to civilization and found the boys.

But the highlight of the crashes completely went to Dante's air-born and down a really steep hill into "Poison Oak?" spill.

This was incredible and even now as I write this I'm amazed at how this happened and how fast he got up. True, he was shaken a bit, but damn if that boy didn't get right back on and go at it again.

We were all doing pretty well and I at least felt like I was finally into my own personal "zone" when we all took a right hand corner. Dante didn't seem to me at least to be going in really hot, but somehow the next thing I saw was a "poof" of dirt and dust. I knew he had gone down so I stopped and just as I was coming up I see that he is not there. He's completely gone. No Dante?

My stomach dropped out as I realized that right next to his bike was an edge. A really big and steep edge. I started to walk over to the edge when suddenly up came Dante. He seemed to be ok, but I was freaked out when I looked over the edge and saw just how far down he could have gone.

He had torn though his gloves and gotten a pretty ugly road rash on his hand and was pretty shook up but still he said he was ok and Brian and I helped right his bike up. After a minute he was seemingly ok and got on and we began again.

Dante showed me and everyone really just how "do or die" he really can be and well, I was more than impressed.

I kept laughing because it was a little scary and you know how when someone falls, trips or something bad happens and you laugh, well, that was me. I think it was more of a release of tension over the whole thing. Sorry Dante.. grin

Anyway, by this time everyone except Ron had gone down. Dave, Brian, Dante and me. So it was back to the campsite to lick our wounds and have dinner. Ron had done all the grocery shopping and so I made burgers while the guys did one more run.

I had been so tired from the previous two weeks. Between Shuji and I "adjusting" to having a puppy which btw has included more than one big argument and a whole lot of stress and a complete loss of any amount of sleep... we also had just been getting use to our new "routines". I was tired before I even began riding.

So dinner was fine and we all hung out and it was too long before we all knew we were gonna run out of firewood. So, off to scavage our way into more firewood. We hit the campsites nearby, and then Ron finally found a huge ass pile of wood. We were good to go.

Marshmellow, beer, and a good campfire brought our day of crashes to an end.

About 3am I woke to hear what sounded like pigs. You know the snorting and oinking and sqealing of them. I heard Ron say from inside his tent, "Fucking wild boars man", "You gotta be kidding me". As I laid there I heard the sounds of glass breaking, things being knocked over, moments when the pitch of them rose to celebrate a newly found bag of chips.

They were relentless.

Brian woke up and said.. "Ok, I'm up.. that's it" while Ron prepared for battle. LOL

He got up, and started throwing rocks at them and anything he could find. I finally woke up enough to give him my lantern.

They seemed to go from campsite to campsite. Making their way from food, to garbage, to water, to salsa, to mayo, and everything in between.

Further down the way, another rider had a pitbull which was pretty young, but not so young that it couldn't tear a hold through his tent and go after them. He was barking and chasing them then you'd hear them come back to us, Back and forth, up and down the campsites. This bs went on for about 2 hours. Finally the sun came up, and we all were right there wide awake thanks to these f*cking wild boars.

As it got lighter we all were able to see the aftermath. All of our breakfast food was gone. Muffins, bagels, everything gone. They had even tried to break open the cooler, and had succeeded in breaking open a glass bottle of salsa. That last sound of a pig running away crying out really loud, was probably the one that had bit into the glass Ron figured.

So, all things considered, Brian's leg, Dante's now swollen and messed up hand, no breakfast, no sleep worth a damn, and the pig invasion.. we packed it up and came back home.

Still I have to say I had a good time. It's amazing to me how just one day away from my usual life and out in the open can change my spirit. I really want to thank the guys for including me in their trip and for taking me along. I know I'm the old guy, the one who is the slowest, and well, not a "all or nothing/balls to the wall" kind of guy. But to be included with all these guys who are not gay, and yet still accepting of me and welcoming of me regardless of my riding level means so much to me. I love all these guys and really value them as my friends.

I've put up some pics from the trip and you can see them at: www.brianwickersham.com/Hollister/index.htm

More on the puppy and our adventures with all of that.. soon

Till then, be well, stay healthy, and take care,

B

Our Birth Announcement! Uni is here!

2009-06-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, well, I'm about to see my life turn completely around and loose all sleep, time, freedom and any reality. Uni arrived today at about 5 pm and now I've turned my life over to a 8 week old puppy.

I know, I know I'm nuts, but hey, I'm insane to have ever shown her to Shuji. It was all over after this...

Of course she's totally totally cute, puppy cute, like "fur so soft you could die in it cute", and yes, the poop and pee has hit the kitchen floor, but hey, hopefully in a week or so it will be all done and over with. Then we just have tearing, eating, chewing, barking and jumping to deal with.. OMG am I insane?

And you KNOW there will be tons of pictures to follow.. "gag"..ha..

Ok, well, more to follow and trust me I can promise you all it's sooo far from being ok.. ha

Grin.. nite

16 Days of Japan, 2009

2009-05-04T01:59:00.000-07:00

Last night Shuji and I arrived home from our trip to Japan. We have been gone for the past 16 days and wow, what a trip it was this time. My Japanese has improved greatly and I'm feeling pretty secure about it now.

I'm glad to be home and this time I noticed things that I seem to have either blocked out or blanked out on the last two visits, but still I have to say that Japan is a joy to visit and I now think I have seen the most beautiful place in the world... more on that later.

I tried to blog a little along the way while we were there, and so here are the entries as we made our way from Tokyo to Takayama, Shirakawago, Hiroshima, Bizen, Osaka, Nara and finally back to Tokyo.

We made full use of our JR Railpass as you can see. Ha.

Oh and one last note, I took over 1800 pictures and it will be a while before I get a gallery and site up for them. I'll let you know when I do.

Glad to be back home and miss you all, along with good coffee, grin

B

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Tokyo

Well here I am and we arrived in Narita after a pretty empty flight which was great. The only thing that was weird was our arrival due to the swine flu thing. I have to say it was weird being photographed by a THERMAL CAMERA while still on board the plane and while entering the airport. I felt so violated and judged. The Japanese Health Officials boarded the plane and interview and photographed everyone.

It was so weird, like a movie or a scene out of a twilight zone show. They handed out flyers and papers making us write down where we would be over the next 10 days and they really did follow up on me because I was greeted at my last hotel in Tokyo with still more forms showing they had indeed been tracking me. Wow. Talk about phobic and privacy interruption.

Finally we arrived and after making it through immigration and customs, I was free.

The hotel is great and it’s called "The Park Lane Hotel". Shuji found it and it rocks! I can’t believe how comfortable the bed is and it’s cheaper than the Sun Patio where stayed last time in Nishi Kasai Station with an even better location.

BTW, last night was a really special evening for a number of reasons.

One, I'm seeing alot more of the similarities between Shuji and his mother. Plus I am also seeing how quirky and old she really is. Still she can out walk, run, and do me. She has some nervous ticks and she seems to talk to herself and gesture a little too so I know she is getting up there. She is 75 afterall.

Shuji seems to tower over her which is something that I don’t seem to remember from before.

But last night was really nice. First, we all went out and ate Shabu Shabu with Shuji's whole family and I was then invited over to Shuji's sisters house for dessert. I got a tour of the families house and then we all sat around and chatted for a bit. It was really nice. Afterwards on the way home Shuji said to me, "Now your part of the family” and he also said "Thank You". Then he said, "Now you have a new family".

It was so sweet it almost made me cry. Knowing Japanese culture, beliefs, and customs, all of this was extremely rare and very, very special.

Today my jet lag FINALLY hit me, and I didn't even wake up until 1 pm. I’ve been dragging all day.

I bought some new shoes for 20 dollars, ha, and exchanged a shirt I bought the day before. It was really embarrassing last night when while at dinner Shuji's sister called me fat and said, " Wow, Brian has really gained weight no? ". I wanted to die and throw myself on the coals that were sitting on top of the table.

I kept beating that one into the ground all night and Shuji almost died laughing about it.

Today we went to Mount Fuji on a guided tour with Mom in tow and it was a really long day. We started off at something insane like 7am? and took a cab to the bus tour place near the train station. Haka Bus Tours? I think it was called. The trip was great and believe me when I say I fully understand why the Japanese people are so proud of this place. Mount Fuji is really incredible, impressive, intriguing and very very beautiful.

Tomorrow we will head out of Tokyo for Takayama. I'm psyched because I just know it will be beautiful. By the way the weather has been near perfect since we got here. I'll be happy to sleep with my little man once again.

So, that’s it for now. Until later...

Domo Arigato

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Takayama

Takayama is a really small town that holds a precious gift called Hida Beef. LOL.

It's the only thing that Shuji seems to think about, talk about, and lives for while here. He's completely obsessed with eating it in any form possible. There is Hida Beef on a skewer, as a filet, in a bun, in a bowl. Hell, there's even Hida Beef Oil. The town does have one really great coffee house that is not only adorable but really makes GREAT coffee. It's called "If". Make sure you go there if in Takayama.

It was ok but what I really think is that it should be named "Takai" - Yama. Not only is the place really expensive and a total tourist trap but also it has absolutely no rhyme or reason to the hours that the shops and stores keep. Even if they say they are open on a certain day or time, their doors are closed. Apparently we got there after Golden Week and the town becomes all but a cemetery afterwards.

We did see some really nice homes and a really beautiful old village that I forget the name of now but overall I was not that impressed. We stayed in an "ok" Ryokan, but it as at the top of the fourth which was a walk up only with these horrible "half sized steps" which btw are all over Japan. Realllly annoying if you were more than a size 5 shoe. LOL

While our room was HUGE by Japanese standards, I didn't get to eat much since the menu was expensive, truly Japanese, and they didn't serve anything else. One last thing I didn't like so much was that for the money we spent the owners were not that friendly and never at the front desk.

Overall, I would give it a 3.

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Shirakawago

I have been to many places in my life. I'm grateful to have been able to travel as much as I have. Many people never leave their own homes let alone travel to the many cities around the world that I have. Up until now I've favored Spain as the most beautiful place I had been to.

That was before I met Shira-ka-wago in Japan.

Imagine if you can one of those "Lord of the Ring" movies. You know they way they look. These digitized and computer generated landscapes with perfect mountains, hills, and forest’s that seem to go on forever. Snowcapped mountains and rivers that are bending and curving all over the land.

Well, now imagine if it were real. However, in this place there is an also 300-year-old traditional Japanese style house that is made by hand and has thatched roofs that are about 3 feet thick. This is where we stayed. In this house, in this setting and in this real fairytale landscape.

The trip there is about a 50-minute ride from Takayama. Not that far and the ride is beautiful. The scenery is beautiful along the way but truly once you get there it's almost like you can't believe this place really exists.

The house we stayed in was over 250 years old and the smells, sounds, and textures within it were so rich and full and colorful that as an Artist it overwhelmed me with its beauty while it exhilarated my senses. Our host was a elderly couple well into their 70's who hosted Shuji and I along with about 15 others. Dinner was held in the main living room using the very, very old and traditional fire pit built into the floor. Incredible.

I have to say that while I couldn't eat a whole lot it really didn't matter to me. I just wanted to stay there forever. I think I've found the one place on earth that I want to go back to before I die. Shirakawago. Incredible history, culture and beauty among the Japanese Alps.

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Hiroshima

Ok, so right now I am in the J-Hopper that Shuji picked for us to stay in here in Hiroshima. While it's not my type of stay, it will work. God knows it's cheap.

We started our day with visiting the Atomic Bomb Dome building and then the Memorial Museum. Here in Hiroshima there is a coffeehouse I loved which used to be a church. Hiroshima is sooo much like SF in the sense it has a rail system that is just like Muni only about 100 years older, running through the streets. It makes getting around easy. 150 yen will get you around town one way.

After this we went to Miyajima and saw the famous "Bridge". Incredible. Shots that will make you moan, if you have any emotions at all. So beautiful. Shuji was really interesting to watch that entire day. From grief, and sadness, to a deeply spiritual movement while at Miyajima.

Today we had a HUGE fight and it got so bad that we both ended up crying. Me more so. Of course. Shuji got this totally self-righteous attitude about the way I treated this girl at McDonalds and he exploded onto me for a good hour. I ended up crying and almost walking back to the hostel alone and canceling the entire day.

He's a real bitch and horrible to me sometimes. I had no idea why and after some time we both finally realized why "after I had to teach him again about how to communicate", that he came here with a whole set of expectations that we would not have a fight or argue at all while on this trip and if we did, it would mean we had failed again. ? Um.. yeah.

What became clear to me soon afterwards was that the whole thing really was not about the girl at McD's... What it REALLY was about was the impact that the museum had just had on Shuji and all the buttons it had pushed and the feelings it had brought him. When I treated the girl rudely, I was, "in his mind" treating all Japanese people, their history, and the bombing of Hiroshima with disrespect and insensitivity.

One thing that I learned for sure is that next time we WILL have a day or two apart. 16 days, 24 hours together under stress, fatigue, and language change does not make for a good time for any couple.

We did manage to get to Bizen... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, where we made to pieces of pottery. This guy Sasaki-san felt it necessary to practically make my piece for me and Shuji was convinced he had a crush on me... therefore... bla, bla, bla.

The sites and experiences here in Hiroshima have been great, beautiful, moving and intense. With today as the exception I would love to come back here. Okaknomeake, at Don-Don, plus the super cute boys is the best!

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Osaka

After our meltdowns in Hiroshima we declared a new day and a new way of treating each other and headed into the city. Osaka is one of my favorite places because it's famous for Crab. Two years ago when we visited I fell in love with this little thing called "Crab gratin".

It's insanely rich, full of calories, fat, and cheese and it's almost better than sex. LOL Hell, in some cases it probably is ROFL.

We have a favorite place where we go to eat this and on my latest trip I did break a record of how many of these I could inhale.. Ha. And this was even after I got called fat. Grrrrrrrr so clearly it didn't stop me from eating more. LOL
The only problem with Japan is that is still allows smoking in restaurants however this time we lucked out and did not have any problems with that.

Osaka is a big city. People are much more cosmopolitan and hip than in Hiroshima. You can tell they are in rivalry with Tokyo.

If you like to shop this is the city. There are miles, and yes I mean miles of shops that cut right through the center of the city. You can literally spend an entire day walking the path. I can spend tons here and I was able to pick up two pairs of my favorite shoes by Adidas, be it the wrong size. "Don’t ask".

Well, it's the night before we go back home and I think all will be well at least I hope so. We spent the day with Satoshi and his wife yesterday and it was wonderful. We were able to get to Nara and spend the whole day with him. It was also his wedding anniversary day with his wife of 30 years.

Satoshi took us to all the wonderful temples and shrines of where the influences and inspiration of the Buddha’s are located through out Nara. We also took a tour to the top of Nara and I was able to see and look out all over the entire city.

After we got done we all had dinner but not before I found my tea...

Tonight I'm in a cyber cafe near my really gross and ugly hotel but hey it’s only for one night. Tomorrow it's off to SF and I can't wait to get home honestly. I miss my coffee, iphone, computer, and life. It's been a little hard being called fat and then actually seeing photos of me huge. I am horrified and am going back to the gym when we get home. And no more sugar and junk foods. Really!

I think I've decided that I need to have my own garage, want to paint, will finish my NPO application, and will try to keep up on the Japanese, go to the gym, eat better and get to more meetings all of these for sure.

---------------------------

Oh btw.. A few memories I forgot to write into here.

1. My luggage opening at the airport while in line getting ready to come here, and my plastic underwear falling out and Shuji just standing there laughing and not helping me.

2. Shuji almost dying when he saw I had a piece toilet paper hanging from my crack while bending over naked adjusting stuff in my luggage while in Takayama.

3. Incredible Okanomiaki while in Hiroshima, at a place called Don Don’s. Not to mention some really cute boys that work there.. Tak`e ..

4. The Shoe locker at the J-Hopper.. Omg can you say Oxygen Mask?

5. Bizen..zzzzzzzzzzzzz, and the gay guy who helped up make our pieces today. Sasaki san.. and his rubbing his arm against mine while "making" my vase for me.

6. Japan has the worst fashion sense, teeth, and coffee of anyplace in the world so far that I’ve been to.

Thank You God for allowing me the chance to be here, be alive, be with someone to love, and to be able to have the life I have. I am grateful. I really am.

I miss you all and I hope to see you soon,

Love,
B

Cherry Blossom Weekend!

2009-04-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

I wanted to get this down before the day ends, since this week proves to be a busy, exciting, and hectic one. Hours ago I finished working the whole weekend at San Francisco's Cherry Blossom Festival in Japantown. The weather was BEAUTIFUL, and the sun shone the whole time.

Unfortunately, my sun block was not on me Saturday, so along with meeting and introducing many people to the new NPO, I also managed to get a really bad sunburn on my neck.. but I'll live. God knows if I can do chemo.. I can get a sunburn.. and live. grin.

There were many booths around and filled on Post St. and the crowds were good. There was lots to buy, eat, wear, and play with!

I'm really really grateful to Masa and Masaki for both coming and helping me with setting up and helping me at the table.
Masa was incredible and helped me BOTH days! Mucho Mucho Kudos going out to him.

Masaki came today and was fun, funny, high energy, and his help was such a great extra for me as I was getting alittle tired by the end.

I took some photos and you can see just how beautiful it really was.

Satoshi arrives tomorrow and I'm really excited about seeing him! I have a feeling the show is going to be really exciting for him and hopefully a great opportunity to help make us grow. There were many people who were drawn to the poster of his work that I made and that we handed out over the weekend. No matter the background, all people seem to love Buddha's and images that bring peaceful and calm feelings.

SO, I've made it past two days, I have 3 more to go and then I'll either fall over dead.. LOL..ha.. or I'll be really ready to take a long fun trip to Japan that Shuji and I will depart for on the 28th.

Thank you again to everyone who has supported me and continues to do so.

Arigato,

Brian

BIG EXCITING NEWS EVERYONE!

2009-03-23T19:40:00.001-07:00

I'm so excited to tell you about this new event that is finally coming true. It's taken almost 2 years for it to come into reality, but it's finally been approved!

On April 16th, 2009 my new NPO and the Consulate General of Japan's San Francisco Office will welcome my friend Satoshi Tatsumi from Japan for a beautiful and wonderful art exhibition of works from Nara, Japan. Satoshi will be flying here to the U.S. for about a week, and he will hosted by the JSCSF, "my NPO".

The exhibition named: "Budda and Deity Images from Nara" will open the 16th of April with a very special evening of lecture, presentation and opening of his show at the consulate. Satoshi will be giving a lecture and presentation explaining his process, influences, styles and history of his work.

This event brings together my new NPO, and offers me an exceptional opportunity to promote my classes and programs that we offer and to FINALLY get some notice and memberships I hope! It also brings people to the Consulate and introduces them to the events and programs it offers, and finally it is a once in a lifetime experience for Satoshi.

I already own two of his works, but for any of you who have not seen his work in person, it's really not to be believed. His attention to detail, the peaceful images and the calm they evoke, and the simplicity of their presence is felt by everyone who has every seen one of his works.

This has been a very long and slow process and I've worked EXTREMELY hard on this project to make it happen. I'm very excited and proud that we are finally going to pull this off. Between the web site, printed materials, designing of both brochures and postcards, framing and hanging, promotion and marketing, I have really worked hard to make this dream come true.

Along with this show, we will also be participating in this years Cherry Blossom Festival here in San Francisco. It's a huge event that takes place for two weekends in April as well. I'll be working our booth on Saturday and Sunday April 11, 12, and 18th so PLEASE come by and say hello to me and support me and my work and NPO!

In case you forgot my website for the NPO is www.jscsf.com If you look under "Events", you can read all about the show.

Ok, well, that's it for now. I just wanted to invite all of you to PLEASE PLEASE come the opening night of the reception, April 16th and show your support for me and my NPO. The reception and lecture is free and there will be free food and wine! So, please mark it off on your calendars!

I'll check in later in the week after I finish my latest set of scans tomorrow. Say a prayer for me please...

Love,

Brian

Long time no see......

2009-03-13T18:15:00.001-07:00

Well, hello everyone. It's been a few months now since I posted on here and well, I've been alittle crazy with "life". Life.. that wonderful thing that you cherish even more after you finish Chemo and Radiation and learn how to really enjoy breathing again.

Shuji and I are fine and it's now been about 7 months of living together and while we have our "moments" who doesn't? , overall it's been a great gift, and wonderful move to do this. Work has been ok, and while it's been alittle slow in both the personal training world, "which I don't really mind", it's also been alittle quiet at the bike shop.

However the BIG news is that my NPO is slowing growing and I hope to bring you all some really exciting news any day now.

I've had a number of meetings with my volunteers, and they are all great. We have a new website and it's working fine and now we have two big projects coming up so I'll let you know about them as soon as I can.

Today I sold my truck... "little blue" and well, it was bitter sweet. I mean, I really loved my truck, but it was sooo time to go. I sold it and now it's gone and so is my insurance, registration, parking permit, parking tickets, and the weekly fight for parking.

Not sure what I'll do next but one thing is for sure I don't have to decide until after we get back from Japan! That's right, Shuji and I leave for Japan next month and we'll be gone for a little over two weeks. This time we are going to visit Tokyo of course, "that's where mom lives", MOUNT FUJI.. and yes.. we are going up to the top of it.. Bizen, Takayama, Hiroshima, Osaka, Nara, and then back to Tokyo. I'm sooo excited. I've always dreamed of going to the top of Mt. Fuji.. and while we can't actually climb it.. "you can only do that in July or August", we'll be taking a bus as far up as possible with the weather permitting. It's a BIG dream of mine.

We will be staying in Ryokan's while we travel around the country and that's always really fun and an adventure.

So far my health is fine and I have another scan scheduled for the end of this month. Start praying for me now please. These scans really freak the hell out of me. I know I am powerless over all of it, but still I just want it to be ok. Please think good thoughts to support and strengthen me.

Other than all of that life is pretty much life.

I hope to back online soon with some really really exciting news so until then I'm gonna keep my mouth shut so I don't spoil anything.. grin

But know that in my heart and in my head I'm thinking of you all and hoping that your in good health, happy, and doing well.

Until later,

Brian

2009 Here we come!

2009-01-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a long time since I've updated my blog, so I figured I'd check in and say hello!

So first off, Happy New Year to Everyone! If you feel anything like I do your really happy that the New Year is here and so many great new changes are happening. This past week for instance has been really exciting and encouraging with the swearing in of our new President Barack Obama.

It's pretty amazing to me the measurable and tangible hope, positivity, and outlook so many people have now as a result of finally getting rid of the mess and bringing in someone with a new attitude that's hopeful, fair, and with sense of responsibility and integrity. It was so exciting seeing all the 2 million people in front of the White House and spilling into the streets. I have never seen such a vision. I really believe in him, his hopes, and his plans for the United States. But still, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for all the money in the world or to be the one to now carry the burden of the fall out from 8 years of nothing but errors, lies, and mistakes.

To be honest with you, I actually was hoping the helicopter would crash as the old cronie left the White House for good.

So a new life, a new sense of hope and a new year ahead lies before us.. and me.

As the new year starts out I'm happy to beginning it Cancer free "for now at least" and with a clean set of scans as of December, 08. I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried about the upcoming scans or what the future holds, but the truth is worrying changes nothing that is truly God's will anyways so, hey, One Day at a Time.. right?

I actually had an intake today for counseling. I think it's finally time for me to do this and I want to deal more deeply with all of what happened last year not only in case I have to face it again, but also to learn more from it.

My non-profit is getting off the ground slowly but surely and I've been working really hard at it these past two months.
I held my first volunteers meeting last week and I had 8 people attend. While there really was only about one person who I felt was a good match and a good fit, it still was a good move for me to learn more and more about the whole process. I've updated the website and I feel really good about the classes that I've designed. I'm hoping that in a few weeks we will be doing well and growing.

Christmas was held this year at our house and I cooked not one but EIGHT New York Strip Steaks for everyone. Don't ask me how, but we were able to even get everyone fitted into the house so we could all eat at the same time. Thank you again Miwa and Masa, Yuko and Shuku, Emerald and Spud, and Karen-san.

I have now gone out a couple of times on my new dirt bike and I'm so in love with it. I've now gone twice to Hollister with Ron, Liam, Dayve, Leslie, and friends and had a great time. I LOVE MY BIKE!!! This coming weekend we're all going to go down and spend the night camping, so I guess it will be "interesting" at the very least.

Today was actually really frustrating too though. I came out to take my truck to the gym only to find out that some asshole has stolen the ENTIRE BACK TAILGATE off of my fucking truck! Can you believe it? I was parked right in front of the Zen Center too! At first when I was approaching the truck I thought, weird, why would someone put the tailgate down? Then as I got closer my eyes just couldn't believe what I was seeing. Who ever did this must have REALLLLLLLLY wanted it, cause it was raining last night and they took the bolts, nuts, washers, and even the hinges off so cleanly there was not even a scratch.
All this for a 1986 truck.. fucking unreal.

So, am I pissed? Yes. Am I depressed alittle over it? Yes, Am I really pissed that now I have to buy a replacement for about 700 dollars painted to match the rest of the truck? Hell yeah. But if you really put it in perspective... loosing a tailgate is much better than loosing a testicle. It's better than having my cancer come back. And it's for sure better than loosing a loved one like Shuji. So, am I pissed and over it and want to cry and scream and kill the asshole who took it .. fuck yeah.. but hey, it could be worse I guess.. "rolling my eyes"...

SO, here's a few pics to keep ya'll updated and so you can see some new eye candy and I'll be checkin in real soon. I hope your all well and doing fine and I send a big hug to you!

Love,

Brian

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAREN

2008-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Karen!

Another great day for you!! The sun was out, lunch at Nordstroms was fantastic, the view, and wow.. what a smile on your face when dessert arrived.. Ha.. You deserve all that and more babe.
Thank you again for all the great help, love, support, assistance you give me day after day.
Here are some pics of the birthday girl and our day..

The End and a New Beginning....

2008-12-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

Well, as this year come to an end.. I can only sit back and say wow.. what a year. My boyfriend moved in with me, I took two trips to Yosemite, one trip to Vegas, saw the Grand Canyon, got a kick ass dirt bike, and worked my way through Cancer, two surgeries that both went wrong, lived through Chemotherapy and Radiation and started a new non profit organization.

And those were just the highlights. Grin.

Life has a funny way of changing on you and just about when you think things are as you want them to be, God somehow comes down and says..."Oh no, it's suppose to be this way". There's an old saying which I love that says: "If you want to hear God laugh... make plans". Well, I made many, but few only materialize this year.

The other day I was talking to someone about the past year and they said to me "God Brian, you sure have had a shitty year. All these horrible things that you've had to endure. I sure hope next year is better for you".

I thought about that for a while and I kinda figured out that in fact, I've actually had a really great year. It's all in the way you view it I think.

For instance, I got diagnosed with Cancer. Lymphoma to be exact. But what I also thought about was that I found it. I found it early, and I found it before it got to be stage 2 or 3 or 4. Sure I had a surgery go bad.. but I survived it. I was told later this year by someone that their brother-in-law had also undergone the same procedure. He too had complications, but he actually died from the loss of blood.

Then there was the Chemo and Radiation. I did it. Sure it was not fun. I lost my hair, eyebrows, and I got sick. But considering that I took on the most aggressive treatment, "RCHOP" and had minimal side effects.. I was really blessed. I did 15 sessions of radiation.. and nothing.. except for the mental side effects..

I went through all of this.. and my lover never left me, judged me, or gave up on my ability to do it. He held me when I was in so much muscle pain from my injection that I yelled out. He never pitied me. And he always knew the exact moment when to say what I needed to hear the most: "Your gonna be ok".

I was able to see Yosemite and the Grand Canyon for the first time in my life and to do so in good health and a soul so wrapped in gratitude that everyone should feel what I felt upon seeing them.

And lastly, I was able to get a NEW CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH just this past week after another scare of having my most recent scan read. The spot that had been seen, was in face still my diverticulitis.. .and NOT a new tumor.

So.. a horrible and terrible year I've had? I think not.

I'm so blessed to have my sobriety, my lover, my friends, my home, my "things", and a keen awareness of just how fortunate I really am compared to so many other people in the world.

When I first got sober I used to hear people ask new comers if they had eaten today, if they had a home to go to tonight, if they were sick or in a hospital hanging onto life, if had their eyes, fingers, or could walk and see and hear? . If they answered yes... then the person would reply, "Then you have nothing to complain about".

The truth is I truly believe that my life, and every one's life is meant to be lived.. NOT endured. I believe in my heart that God did not make me to suffer on this planet each and everyday. I don't believe it's his intention for me to be unhappy or to have to struggle from moment to moment. And so when your life has become an "endurance test" you need to stop and ask yourself what is it that I'm doing to make all of this so damn bad and hard?

I want to live.. and I want to live a lot longer than just this year. I know that ultimately I don't get to make that decision but I do know that when I look back over my past year... while it's been a number of challenges.. it's also been a number of huge successes.

May God Bless You, and may you and your loved ones and family whoever they may be, be well, healthy, happy, and filled with prosperity this coming year.

Love,

Brian

Las Vegas and The Grand Canyon!

2008-12-15T19:33:00.001-08:00

It's Monday night and Shuji and I are finally home and relaxing. We had a really nice trip to Las Vegas and then a day trip to the Grand Canyon while we where there. We flew out Friday night and Karen was nice enough to drop us off at the airport. Our trip was actually a Birthday/Christmas present from Shuji to me, but I chipped in a bit too so it wouldn't be too much of a gift.

Our trip actually was great and was super cheap. You know me.. grin, ha. We flew there, stayed in a hotel and flew back for $391.00. All on United and while the hotel wasn't right in the middle of the strip, it was clean, nice, quiet, and hosted the coolest three rides 103 stories up in the air that no other hotel can boast.. "figured out where we were yet"?.. smile. If it hadn't been so cold, windy and "closed" I would have done them too.. grin

We did a lot of walking and while it was a great way to exercise, I have to say next time we'll be closer to the action. Saturday proved to be super windy and Shuji had some problems with his contacts out there in the desert and dirt. One of many funny times was when we both were "tasting the dirt" in front of the Bellagio and Shuji had to wear his new sunglasses to keep the dirt out of his contacts. So, we both just played it up as if he was blind.. LOL.. So on we went up and down the strip with his arm in mine.. ha.. totally pretending he was blind and being able to hold one another in the process. LOL

Now it's been years since I've been to Vegas, but wow.. I gotta say it's really tacky, funny, fun, gross, and well, wayyyyyy too much of EVERYTHING. LOL.

From the buffet's, to the people eating at them, to the fashions, and the amount of booze there, well, it was way over the top and really gross to actually watch at times.

There is too much to see, too much to eat, too much to drink, and too too much to loose gambling. Still, it is Las Vegas and it's definitely fun to visit.

On Saturday Shuji treated me to a trip that I've never been on before and had always wanted to see.. The Grand Canyon.

Our tour bus picked us up at 6:25 am on Saturday and let me tell you, that in itself was hard to do.. ha..

We drove along the roads to the Canyon and make a number of stops along the way. We of course had to stop at and drive along the famous Route 66. Shuji and I were pretty cold as there had been snow the night before. It was hard to believe that it snowed in Arizona, ha, you'd never think so.

But we drove along and finally we reached not only the Hoover Dam, which is having the most amazing bridge built over it right now btw.. "really totally incredible", but finally the canyon's south rim.

As I walked out to the edge I was struck by not only it's shear size and depth but also the colors and what it must have taken to make such an incredible place. I took tons of pictures both of the canyon as well as of Vegas and I'll post them up in a day or two but in the meantime all I can say is that it really is incredible to see. You really should see it if you haven't as of yet.

And while it was cold, I was actually kinda happy that we went when we did, because I'm sure the heat in the summer is unbearable and well, the colors, textures, snow, and crowds would be all very different.

We got home at 8pm and so while it was a LONG day, it really was beautiful.

I couldn't help but think about the power of God, Nature, Life, and Time. All of these things made and helped to form this incredible place and surely there is a plan and reason for it and for my seeing it at this time.

By the way, I should also let you all know that on Friday, the day we were to leave my doctor did call me and tell me about my most recent and first set of follow up scans.

He told me that there was a new "spot" on my scan which looked about 1.4cms and was about the size of a "bean". It was no mistake and well, it wasn't there the last time. So because it was showing up on the PET scan and NOT the CT scan, he wasn't sure if it would be possible to biopsy it or not. He was going to speak to the doctor who read these scans and get back to me.
He said he was "sorry" and to contact him when I got home.

Now I'm not going to lie to you, I'm definitely disappointed and upset and very nervous about this. It's not what I wanted to hear the day before my birthday and it was very hard to try and keep my mind off of it while we were on our trip. But I really wanted Shuji to have a good time with me and me with him and to do that would mean that I'd have to just try to forget about it until we came back home.

I could have played the victim and cried the whole trip. I could have surrendered to the fears, the worry, the guilt, the "future-triping" and ruined the whole weekend.... OR I could have just done the best I could at dealing with this and still try to have a fun time for him if not for anyone else.

Not that I'm trying to sound like I'm so incredible or so great, but really, it was like.. well, do you want to cry and pout and ruin this or do you want to go and have some fun.

Now don't get me wrong, I had my "moment" before we left. Grin. I'll just say it had some crying, some praying, some cursing, and a whole lot of surrender.

So, while I can't say I'm all right and my scan is clear, I can say that I'm grateful for today, for Shuji, and for the opportunity to go and share yet another wonderful place with the man I love. Something that I've always wanted.

I'll keep you all posted with what's going on and if you feel so inclined please say alittle or BIG prayer for me. I'll post one more time before the end of the year.

Love,

Brian

What's new....

2008-12-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a little while and wow, so much has been going on I'll try to remember where to start.
Let's see, first off, I had my first set of follow up scans done last week, and while they were far from fun, "the berium made me sick as hell the whole day", it was good to finally get it done. I had a hard time laying still on the scanner, but finally it was over and now I'm just waiting to hear what the results will be.

I'm not particularly nervous but I'm still awaiting the final word on them. I seem to have a better grasp on my own powerlessness over the results and the future now than I use to. Cancer will do that to ya.. grin. Of course I'm hoping for a clean bill of health, but I realize that my worrying about it will change nothing so hey.. I just move forward and put the whole thing in God's hands.

In the meantime life has been really good. Shuji and I are fine and doing really well. We'll be heading out to Las Vegas this coming weekend for my 48th birthday. I can't wait to get away. We will be going to the Grand Canyon and I'm psyched to see it and take lots of cool pictures. I hope to also see "O" from Cirque du Soleil. I've wanted to see it for years and now finally I'm going to do so.

Shuji and I are also planning on a having a nice Christmas Eve together, but we will be hosting some friends over for a great steak dinner on Christmas Day.

I finally had a chance to take my new dirt bike out last week with my great friends Ron and Dayve. While it was a close call between Hollister and Medcalf, Hollister won out in the end and I'm so glad that we chose to go there. The trails were nice and long, and I felt really good on the new bike. I totally love it! One first tumble and I had it worked out of my system. Grin.
I was so grateful and happy to be surrounded by these two guys. I love both Davye and Ron so much. They are really really great super guys who are two of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet. I'm very lucky to have them both in my life.
I sure hope to be going again soon. Here are a few shots from our day.

The JSCSF is coming along really well and I'm working like crazy to get it all going. I finished the website last week also and I think it looks great. I really love the design I did and the music is nice too. You can check it out at: http://www.jscsf.com/index.html

I'm also really happy and grateful to be starting back at the gym this week with a new client. It's been a while and I'm so grateful to be able to return to helping others. The extra income will help alot too with putting more money into JSCSF's bank account.

I just wish I had an office space and more money and laptops in my hot little hands to make thing happen faster.. but hey One Day at a Time... right?

Tonight Shuji and I got a real live Christmas tree for the house. Since his moving in, space is much more limited so we decided on a 4' tree, but hey, it's cute, real, and a first for us. I really am blessed to have him, my health, my friends, job and sooo much more.

This time of year is so emotional for me. It always has been. It's such a time for me to reflect on my past year. I think back on what challenges I've had, what lessons I've learned, what things I've accomplished, my program and sobriety, my spiritual growth, and the many things I feared and how they turned out. I also think about the future year and what things I hope to see happen and what I'd like to accomplish. It's a intense period of deep thought and high emotional movement.

So, here's to checking in with you all and I'll let you all know what the doctor says this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me and say a prayer for me to continue doing well.

Love,

Brian

As the end of the year approaches...

2008-11-20T10:55:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe that the end of this year is nearly here. And what a year it has been. December always has been an intense time for me when I review, recall, and re-examine all of what I've learned and gone though in the past 11 months. And while it's only November, it all seems to be coming back to me even sooner this time.

I'm scheduled for my first follow up set of scans since I finished my chemo and radiation in August this month. Understandably, it means facing all of what this past year has been like, what the future holds, and it's a great opportunity to become filled with fear. But I'm trying to just think positively and to remember that none of this is in my control. It's God's will and not mine that directs me and my health. I just have to try to have acceptance and to do what's right in front of me and not future trip. So much easier said than done.

I've realized again recently that all we ever really have is today. And to make today count. I'm so grateful for what I have and what's in my life. I appreciate my friends, family, partner, job, health, body, and my sobriety. Few people really get to this point and ever really see just how lucky they are, AND are able to view things with a realistic balance.

I was at a meeting the other day and it just seemed like there was alot of complaining going on. Person after person complaining, whining, and going on and on about how terrible their life was. Finally I just couldn't take hearing it anymore and raised my hand. While I'm sure it all came off like I was bitching at everyone and that I was scolding them, the real point that I wanted to make was that most people "especially we alcoholic's" really don't seem to get what the difference between a crisis and an event is. And we can be so self centered in the extreme. So few of us really have a working, functioning, and positive spiritual relationship with our higher power. I wanted to passionately emphasis this not because I think I'm so much better than anyone else, but because I have waited and gone without one for so many years.

Now that I have FINALLY done the 12 steps, and can see and feel what a difference they have made in my sobriety, I want to yell it from the mountain tops.. grin. But most people repel from hearing about this I've found. They don't want to hear about it and are in some cases irritated by my talking about it.

So I guess at the end of the day maybe it's not that I need to keep it to myself, as much as it's to work on how I'm communicating it. The program of AA says we are a organization based on attraction NOT promotion. And while I never promote my sobriety, I think maybe the best way to embrace this new spiritual level I've finally reached in my life is to just simply be happy, be grateful, and to say Thank You to my Higher Power daily.

I know all of this can change and I might drop it at any second, but somehow I really believe that I'm at some kind apex in my life right now.

There is a major change going on and while I think I'm about to be challenged with my faith and fear when I go in and get my scans done, I still feel like I have a better handle on both of these two things than I ever have had in the past. That's not to say that I might not still have a major meltdown or revisit depression.. it just means that I feel more BALANCED then I have ever before.

I had a chance to go down to Los Angeles this past weekend and see my best friend Philip and his partner Shane and Philip's parents Mr. and Mrs. Rowe. I really loved seeing you CL and you look great. Keep up the work and the spirits. You know I love you and support you and your healing. It was really nice to finally see all of them and to sit down, talk, laugh, and get caught up. The fires that were going in the Southern California area made it really smokey and hard to breath, but we all managed.
I'm so grateful to Philip for his friendship, generosity, and humor. We all had such a fun time and it was good to get some really good laughs on.

Thank you again for all the wonderful gifts Philip, and to hosting me for lunch Mr. and Mrs. Rowe. I appreciate Mr. Rowe, you showing me and getting me caught up on our business matters too. Tracy, well, GIRL.. "inside joke", you know how much I loved you.. and how freakin funny you are.. I hope to see and hang more with you in the future.

Not that I'm braggin, but I just have to tell you all that I got a new phone this past week.. and well, I can't really say from who, cause I don't want to make anyone mad.. grin.. but Thank You sooo much PR. I finally can say I'm the coolest now that I have a:

Yes, I know..but I have to tell you all that it's sooooo addicting. I just love it. I haven't been able to put it down since I got it. Today for example I found a glasses store, tracked it down using my iphone, read a review and was able to walk right up to it and by new glasses. Ha. All on a phone.

Anyways, Philip Thank You also for all the "ware" you lent me. Thank you so much. I really had a great time, I love both of you and hope to come down again real soon.

Lastly, I want to say that hopefully in the next week or so I'll be done with the Green Card Lottery work that both Shuji and I have been doing, and than I can FINALLY go dirt bike riding on my new toy. I sure hope I can get Dave, Ron, Bear, Brian, Alana, etc to all go out with me. I'll be contacting you all this coming week.. so be on the lookout.

Ok, gang that's about that.

Well, Happy Turkey Day in advance and I hope you all are in great health and find happiness in these next few coming weeks as the holidays fall upon us.

Big Hug to you all,

Brian

I GOT PLATED!

2008-11-10T20:50:00.001-08:00

I got up today at 7:30 am and hauled my ass to the DMV. I waited for 2 hours with all my paperwork in tow and got to the line where the man I had worked with before was. He looked at all my papers and said, "I'm sorry, your form from the CHP is filled out incorrectly".

The form said my dirt bike had "none" in the odometer reading area. But in truth it had "one" mile on it. This error combined with another field the CHP officer skipped now meant that I would have to go back home, go to David and Alana's house, get my bike out, load it into my truck, set up another appointment, go there, have another inspection, bring the bike back to their house, go back to the DMV and start all over again.

Nice huh.. all because someone did not fill out the form correctly.

So I remained "pretty" calm ha, and just went right to the CHP. I thought "hey, the worst they can say is no". I went up to the counter and explained the situation to the officer and he agreed to write me a new form. Great!

I went back immediately and showed them the form again and after 40 minutes of paperwork, a $50 dollar registration fee, and alot of silent praying..

I GOT A PLATE!!!!

WHOOO HOOOOO

Next stop, Hollister!

I'll see you all soon with new pics of me, my bike and my new set up!

Brian

The Japanese Support Center of San Francisco

2008-11-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

As most of you know in the past few years my exposure to Japan, Japanese culture, and my relationship with Shuji has really changed my life. Volunteering at Nobiru-kai introduced me to the need for assistance, support, and education for people who were new to San Francisco as well as those who have been living here for some time.

It is with this in mind that I'd like to introduce you to my newest and most exciting goal.

In a day or so you'll receive an email from me in which the subject line will be "JSCSF". In it you'll find three attachments that will describe to you what the JSCSF is all about. I ask also that you forward it to all of your friends and family and anyone else who you think might be interested in supporting me.

I don't want to upset or annoy anyone so I promise you I WILL NOT send you any more information about this if you say so. And I WILL NOT be insulted. I just ask that you let me know. And also, if you don't want to remain on my blog list, please let me know that too. Future topics and postings WILL NOT be exclusively about my new non-profit.

It will remain all about my life. My whole life.

I just wanted to give all of you a head's up so you know what's coming in your email and a chance to let me know if you'd like to not hear about it in the future.

For those of you who do and perhaps would like to help support me in any way the email will give you all the details.

Thank You all so much.

Brian

I

A NEW ERA

2008-11-09T23:53:00.000-08:00

Well unless you've been hiding under a rock somewhere out in the desert you know by now that we finally are about to end the worst eight years of our lives under the "Bush" self-destruct and destroy administration. Not only has this idiot managed to completely ruin the lives of millions, spend trillions, essentially drive the country into the lowest level of economic growth in decades, but he also was able to detour millions of dollars that should have gone to National Health Care but instead went to Banks, Investment companies, and to a war that never should have happened in the first place.

Not including the final cost of lives and other costs of the war which is now expected to exceed 2 TRILLION DOLLARS!

I wonder how many people with AIDS, Cancer, or other diseases could have been helped with their medical costs with that 2 Trillion? Or perhaps how much of that could have gone to housing, loans for people who are now loosing their homes, or the other one hundred ways it could have been spent more effectively and helpfully.

It's amazing to me that someone so ignorant and uneducated not to mention detached from reality can not only be the president for one term.. but TWO?

I still want to move to Europe. Spain perhaps. Where health care is free, gay couples are encouraged, supported and even assisted in adoption, and no wars are in sight.

Well, the good.... no GREAT news is that now we finally can say good bye to the dumb ass, and hello to someone who promises nothing but hope.

BARACK OBAMA!

He's charming, captivating, articulate, sexy, civil, democratic, and composed.

After living in this country for 47 years, I not only voted this year with excitement, hope, and a smile on my face as I walked to my polling station, but I also watched and wept as he flipped red states, and blew John McCain out of the water. My eyes filled with tears and pride as he gave his speech in Grant Park on his winning night.

And don't even get me started on Palin.. or shall we say..."Caribou Barbie".

To see such a voter turn out, such happiness on every African American's face, not to mention people of all races made me realize that this really was history in the making. This moment in time when a black man had finally been able to become the president.. is still just sinking in for me.. now even days later.

I truly believe in him. I really believe that he is going to make this country a better place to live. I believe that he can repair our damaged relationships with all of the countries and allies that Bush has destroyed. I believe that he will make national health care a reality, and I believe that he can change the direction that our country is going in economically and change it's path.

While I did not celebrate "nor grieved" the passing of Prop 8.. "I'll explain that next", I believe that we are about to see some of the most amazing, impressive, and striking changes in our countries political and economic history happen very soon. And when they do.. the American people will be uplifted and moved with pride, passion, and hope once again.

Something that none of us have felt in many, many years.

Now on to Prop 8.

I have to say that I'm not surprised. I mean sure I was disappointed, but really.. am I shocked? .. No.

It's really sad that messed up to me that in 2008 in San Francisco that I still can not get married to my partner. Yes it's wrong, yes it's messed up, and yes it's unfair. And it's totally wacked out how it's possible and legal in Massachusetts but not HERE? How wrong is that?

I guess the tens of millon's of dollars the Mormon Church poured into the cause, "From outside of California never-the-less", helped them with their win to scare, guilt, and convince hundreds of uneducated, fear filled, gutless, conformists out there to vote yes.

Now having said all of that, I must also say this:

In some way I'm actually happy that it passed. WHY?

Well, because I think the GLBT community needed a wake up call and needed to see how complacent they had become around the opposition and their influence. I watched weeks of ads on television supporting the passing of Prop 8 with no opposing ads in sight. I watched tons of people who represented the conservatives, the republican's, the "family value folks", and the "religious right", spread their lies, distortions and scare tactics all over the airwaves and where was the "No on 8 " PSA's?

It wasn't until the last two weeks that I FINALLY saw them. And yes they were good but in my opinion WAY too little, WAY too late. And don't even try to tell me that the money can't be found. Please. With the thousands of gays and lesbians who have no children, and are making decent livings with no other dependents, not to mention all of the other members of the GLBT community from the surrounding states who you KNOW would be on the first plane out here to get married if it had NOT passed.. well, please.. I say.. you fucked yourselves.

You knew it was coming, you didn't prepare or organize well enough, and you assumed you would win on pure principle's sake.

Hopefully now the next time the proposition is on the table we'll be ready.. and aware of those people who fear, judge, and hate us and our RIGHT to have rights so much.

In the meantime I'll wait till it gets passed and stays passed here in California for at least one year.

Besides, I know what I have with Shuji. I don't need to prove it to anyone, and I certainly don't need a piece of paper to show that what I have with him is just as good as what a straight couple has. While I understand the whole "rights" piece to this, I'm still content with knowing internally what I have and how much it matters and what it's really worth to the two of us.

Whew.. well, there ok, there's my rant and while I normally don't get political I figured with all of what has been going on, I needed to say a few words.

I hope your all doing fine and are in good health and I hope that you share my excitement about the new year, new President, and our future.

Take care,

Brian

FINALLY MY NEW DIRT BIKE IS HERE!!!

2008-10-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's here.. finally. .yahhhhoooo

I finally got my new dirtbike last week and wow, the journey has already been fun. First off I need to say a big "Thank You" to Michael Day for the great deal he gave me on it. It's beautiful and it's my dream bike. I could never have asked for a better deal.

I've been to the DMV and well, "don't hate me here", it looks like I'm going to be able to get it plated... which means I will be able to ride it on the street AND on the dirt. This is pretty rare and not an easy thing to do.. Somehow, I've managed to get it.

On the 5th of November I have a CHP appointment and then I need a break light and horn inspection, and if all goes well, then I should be able to call it done. I had to buy a few things to make it work, but once the lights, horn, brake light, mirror and turn signals are all done and put on, I should be good to go.. "I hope".

This ability to ride the bike in either settings, makes the bike worth about $1000.00 more.

I have also bought all my dirt bike gear and here's a list of what I bought in addition to the bike:

This is soo cool. This is Thor's Impact Rig Armored Shirt. It has everything you need to keep your body from breaking and makes me look like a super hero too.

Next, I bought these Thor knee guards. These are called their Sector Kneeguards. God knows I'm gonna need these. I'll let you know how I like them later..

Scott has been making goggles for years and these are their "83X" model. Basic, entry level, but will do the job just fine.

I bought these Klim Gloves and all I can say is that if you've never had Klim gear.. you really are missing out. Their stuff is so great, incredibly made, and I'm looking forward to giving you a better and more informative review on these later.

Along with these I also have my Alpine Stars Tech 3's from last year that I was only able to use once before my cancer diagnosis. But I think these will be just fine for my first year out. I also have a helmet that I hate, but I'm workin on getting better one for that. Brian H from work suggested I get one like his.. a Scorpion. I'm gonna see if I can get one.

So far I know of Metcalf, Hollister, Cow Mountain? and Carnegie. When I went last year for my first and only time Bear took me to Metcalf and it was fine. Alot of kids, families, but at least they have the little trail to practice on first. And they also have the big hill I finally made it over on.

If it's not raining and this new, beginning cold doesn't get worse, I'll be going on Monday with Brian. Yoo hoo!

I also want to say a BIG Thank You to Dayve and Alana for the recent assist. Thank you so much guys for letting me use your garage. Your helping me out means alot.

It was sooo nice to see my "nephew" this past week. He's growing and growing so fast. Now he's walking all over the house by himself. Here's a few pics of this handsome guy and me.

I also want to say a big hi out to Jr. who I will be reconnecting with this week hopefully. You know when each one of us goes through things like Cancer or an illness, it's funny how each one of us reacts differently to our friends and close ones. For some, the bond becomes even closer than it was before. For others, we pull away and our ego, emotions, and self needs to reassemble after the fact. I've missed you Jr. And I apologize.

Shuji and I are doing just fine and we had our last sidewalk sale of the year this past weekend, after Scuderia's Open House on Saturday. By Monday I was dead. But, we made about $235.00 for 5 hours of work. .not bad.

Other than all of this, I'm doing fine and will probably be going in soon for my first follow up appoinment/scans since I finished my last chemo. It seem so strange to think that it will be a year now come this December. Wow.

Ok, well, off to bed I go to get some much needed rest to ward off this cold.

Take care all of you,

Love,

B

Life is good

2008-10-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Rarely do I ever feel this way.
It's not something that I even do easily.
I have to fight the old tapes that still try to play
on today that tell me, it's not possible.
And I try to thank God for my life as each of these days passes.

It feels something like this:

Last night I was finishing up doing the dishes after Shuji and I had dinner. I was in the kitchen and he was on the computer in the bedroom "or so I thought". I got done and decided I wanted to take one of the templates that I downloaded and carve a pumpkin. I took out a knife and gave it a go. After a bit, I was done and pretty pleased with the results. I took the pumpkin and walked back to the bedroom like a child who had just made his first masterpiece in preschool and with a grin on my face I said, "Look honey, look at what I made".

There he was sound asleep on the bed, curled up under the blankets and not moving or making a sound.

I stood there for a few minutes looking at him. Listening to his breathing. Taking in the whole moment. This little black haired man so cute, so child like, and so small sleeping like a baby does. I put down my "masterpiece" and just stood there looking at him.

For someone like me, to finally have found someone like him, and to have made it through the past two years like we have is nothing short of a dream come true and "for me" proof that God really does love me and has always wanted the best for me. I just needed to get out of the way.

Today "the bedroom" is "our" bedroom. My apartment is now "our" apartment. My bed is now "our bed". And I now have a daily life with my partner. We share bills, go grocery shopping, and take turns cleaning the house. I go to bed with him next to me and wake up with him still there each and every day.

We have dinner together and afterwards stay at the table and sit and talk about our day, week, or life. We are comfortable not even talking to one another yet being in the same apartment for hours.

Our conversations are sometimes still tense. Grammar and Pronunciation is often lost, but we work through it.

We sometimes have little "moments" where one or both of us needs to say I'm sorry, and usually do without too much of a fight.

Today I know deep down inside I have finally found not only a good man, but a man who loves me and is willing to continue to grow and learn and live and overcome with me. And he will not leave me.

Something really interesting happened while Shuji was in Japan this time. He was gone for two weeks and while at first I thought I might have somewhat of a hard time with it, I actually did ok. There was only like two days where I really started to feel the pain of missing him.

But the most amazing thing about his trip and my feelings about it was that for the first time in my life I actually felt at peace while he was gone. I actually felt ok because I have finally come to believe that he will not leave. I feel confident that he does love me and that he is not going to run away, leave me, cheat on me, or dump me after I get well from an illness like so many others have in the past.

Now most of this is due to the way that he stayed by me during my chemo and treatments this past year. But it also reflects alittle bit of growth on my own part around all of my own abandonment stuff. I think it's this, plus my finally understanding that even if he were to leave I'd be ok.

I was actually pretty proud of me for finally getting there.

And so how does it all feel now?

I feel like my life is now finally perfect. I have finally found love. Love that is good, true, real, and with someone who makes my life good everyday. He protects me, helps me, supports me and shows me more and more everyday. He has taught me many lessons, and has shown me that I can trust again, and that this time it actually will be ok in doing so.

I have a home, my health for today, food, clothing, a job, a truck, a motorcycle, a scooter, a computer, a huge t.v, and so many other "things". But more than anything else I have Shuji. I have love in my heart and soul that has finally made my years of pain less and slowly go away. I have him in the morning when I wake up and feel his body next to mine, and his heart beating.
I have him when I get a test result that sends me into fear and panic. I have him when I am down and need his smile and his own way of speaking to lift me up.

And I thank God that I'm still sober, clean, and healthy enough to see and appreciate all of this... especially in this time, and in this world.

My life is way beyond "good".

B

No more drama....

2008-10-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok everybody,

Just so you all know and hear me say it..

"I'm done with hospital's and surgeries for the remainder of the year".

Ahhh yes, as my life and luck would have it, I have cheated death but once again.. grin.

This past January, when I had my testicular surgery that went south.. one of the many "scar's" that were left for me to contend with was a seemingly ever growing hernia that was just above where the top of my abdominal scar started. It bothered me, made me feel ugly, and well, stuck out from under even a simple t-shirt.

So after my original scar had healed, I opted to have the hernia corrected by having a surgeon place a piece of Gortex on top of the hernia, putting in one or two stitches to hold it in place and this would in theory correct my "buldge".

Well, on September 19th I went in to have again, "what is described as out patient surgery", and well, instead ended up spending 5 days in the hospital. This of course, was after I took a ride in the ambulance that I had to call via 911. Oh yeah.. drama.

I definitely learned that it's not a good idea to take a nap in one room, and then leave your cell phone in another after having just had surgery, AND that it's not a good idea to assume that ANYTHING will ever go as planned for me, as it would for ANYBODY else.

Thank you Masa for taking me there in the very early am, and to Karen for picking me up.

But now, I'm all stitched up and healing and ready to move forward. My stomach IS actually flatter, but it cost me 14 lbs which I lost while not eating for a week and a half.

It will be while before I can ride my new dirt bike.. "if I ever get it".. but hey, in the meantime I'll be healing.

Shuji is now in Japan and will be gone for about two weeks. I took him to the airport yesterday and he's now at home with his mom and family.

I think that's it for now.. so.. I hope your all well, and take care. Until next time,

B

Great News!

2008-08-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

It's been a while since I checked with all of you and wow, there's been so much to tell you about!

First off the best news of all... As of Friday, September 5, 2008
I AM CANCER FREE !!!

It's been a stressful past few weeks for a number of reasons, but primarily because I went to have my final set of scans done about three weeks ago. A few days later my oncologist "Dr. Barron" called and told me that my CT scan was clear but that something was showing up on my PET scan.

I was of course worried and quite disappointed. Here, now, after all this.. NOW? there was a new spot on my scan? How could that be? I tried to understand how all my scans: right from the very beginning when all of this started, and then again in the middle after I had completed all my Chemo, had all been totally clear, how now after all of my treatments were done, could something now be showing up?

I tried to remain calm and hopeful, and well, nevertheless I was very disappointed.

So, three weeks later.. and alot of denial later.. I finally got the call a week ago this past Friday, that the "spot" that was on my scan was in fact not a new tumor or an area where cancer had metastasized. It was actually my Diverticulitis showing up. Whew! What a major relief.

It was nearly impossible for me to believe that after all the Chemotherapy that I had done, the four lumbar punctures, and all the radiation that something could still be alive in me..

Anyways.. I'm sooooo super happy that it's all past me and that now finally in the NINTH month of this year I can finally get back to really living. Thank you God. Thank you Life, and thank you for letting me live through all this.

This past Sunday marked two weeks now that Shuji and I have officially been living together. We moved the remainder of his stuff in and so far it's been fine. We've had two fights so far, they have both been totally his fault, ha. but we're doing great now. It's actually getting better and better day by day, and I think we both agree that it's finally all falling into place.

He's never done this before.. living with a partner.. and well, I have. The whole concept of sharing, doing things as a team, and having one home space to share with someone day in and day out.. well, we both are learning. I think for him it's mostly about adjusting to many new American cultures and habits. And letting go of his 41 years of doing things both mentally and physically in his "Japanese" way.

I am finding myself many times in a "teaching role" and well, it's hard, but I love him and I'll absolutely not give in or give up. He's the one for me.. and I know we both just need more time to adjust to it all.

We spent Memorial Day with Kelly, Jeff, and Isabella and friends at their house. All I can say is that Karen and Shuji almost ate up a truckload of corn on the cob.. Ha. I guess I did pretty good when I picked out the glass shoes and Princess outfit for Isabelle's b-day, cause omg.. she really seemed to love it. It was close, I almost kept it for myself, ha, but in the end the real princess got to wear the tiara...but hey, check out those shoes!

We had a little party two weeks ago and it was really fun to share and celebrate our moving in together, Shuji's recent Birthday, and my finishing my treatments all in one big party.

It was sooo nice to see our friends, my co-workers, neighbors, and all of the very special people who helped me through this year. David and Alana and Quintin even showed up and so I got my "nephew" fix. Also, Thank You so much Janet for coming. Your friendship and care both in and out of the hospital means so much to me.

For all of you who were able to attend, in case you didn't get my "e" Thank You card, I'd like to say it again here:

Thank you so much for all the love, support, prayers, and help you gave both Shuji and I during this past year. I truly am very blessed and extremely lucky to have such incredible friends.

Last Monday, Shuku, Yuko, Shuji and I headed off to Yosemite again for our "final" camping trip for this year. We rented a nice SUV and were there Monday through Thursday. It was the first time Shuku and Yuko had ever been camping, so it was an "experience" for them. You can see our pictures at:

http://www.brianwickersham.com/yose2/index.html

I have to say that Tuolumne Meadows was a totally different experience than Yosemite Valley in the sense that it's so much more open, much less people, and a whole lot less touristy. It was pretty high as in 9000 feet in elevation. Sure you can't shower for 4 days, but wow.. the peaceful and open meadows are unreal. We also made it along the Tioga Pass all the way to Mono Lake, which I hope to see again when I can explore it much more. But Tenaya Lake and also Ellery as well as Tioga Lake were picture perfect. And you know I want to go back and go trout fishing one day.

Lastly, I also recently got some REALLY great news.. I think I'm gonna finally be getting a new bike.. a dirt bike in fact.. I'm SOOO PSYCHED!!!

Michael Day who is a great guy, and a previous coworker with me as the bike shop stopped by last week and well, I think I will be buying his Honda CRF 250X !!! I want this bike soooo bad.. so pray to God that I will be able to get it. My big dream of getting back on a dirt bike is almost coming true. I so fell in love with dirtbike riding last year, just before all of this Cancer stuff started, that now I finally, "almost a year to date" can now finally get back into it. Thank you again Bear!!

Ok, so my three other blogs, "Brian the Bus", and a still unnamed blog about my career working at Scuderia West here in San Francisco as well as my own "gAytypical" web site, will be soon coming.

Ok, so I think that's it for now.

I'm just totally grateful, happy, filled with joy and relief, and soooo happy to be alive, to have found Shuji, to be starting this new chapter in my life, and now to have found this great bike from Michael Day.. my new CRF..

I have so much to be happy and grateful for.. but mostly that I have so many people around me who love me and have shown me the support and care that really in life, is all that matters. I'm blessed to have all of you around me, and supporting me.
I want you to know how much your love, encouragement, and actions have helped me in getting through this.

Here's a few new pics to get your visuals on with..

Brian

2008-08-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hello and Happy August to you all!

Wow.. well, so much has been going on. Let's see .. well, as you all know I'm all done with my Cancer treatments and since then I've been trying to get back into well, "life".

It's been strange. A little hard and well, emotional for me to begin living again. Thank god I have my sponsor, Shuji, work, and all of you my great friends. Going back to work, trying to get back into a gym, and attempting to live each day as "normal" has been a slight challenge at times.

Last week I worked at the bike shop from Tuesday to Saturday. Something I haven't done in over a year. I was completely wiped out from it, and then I was busy almost every night after work. Shuji's Birthday was last Wednesday and so after he got off of work, we went to the only place he wanted to eat and celebrate:

http://sanfrancisco.citysearch.com/profile/905568/

It was GREAT! A little smokey, but hey it's a Korean Bar B Q right? OMG, you guys have to try it sometime. It's nothing to look at, is very "non-fabulous", but wow.. the food was incredible.

This month we also celebrated both Isabella's and Quintin's b-days. Unfortunately I had to work and was not able to make Bella's.. but Quintin turned 1! and his party was at Golden Gate Park. It was so nice to see how big he has become. Both of these children are beautiful trust me.

Also my good friend Shuku begun his "what will be a separate blog soon" adventure with his new Volkswagen Bus! It's named after me, what is such a touching and sweet honor. Thank you so much Shuku. I'm so happy I could help you as much as I have been able to. Check back soon for his/my new "bus blog". This is one day what it will look like.. grin

It's been a very big and expensive adventure, but trust me when you read the blog, you'll not only understand why this bus is so important, but also why it's gonna be the best bus in the world one day!

Also, I've been busy getting ready for the "BIG DAY".. Yes, Shuji is FINALLY moving into my apartment.

We both are a little scared, nervous, but are ready to give it a try. My place is not big by any means, but with his rent being what it is, our lives becoming more and more involved, and if I ever get sick.. it will be so nice to have him here. This month we are moving some of his stuff in little by little each weekend.

There will have to be some changes, more "space" designs integrated, but I think we can do it. At least I pray we can.. grin.

Masa came this month also and FINALLY my dream of hallway lighting for my art came true. It was so simple and I'm sure I could have done it, but it was really nice to come home and have it done for me. Ha. I had bought a simple lighting system from IKEA like two years ago, but just never got time to install it. Now the hallway looks like a fancy gallery and I love it!
Thank you again Masa!

Ahhh let's see what else? Did I forget anything?

For all of you who live up here you probably have not received your evite for our little party on the 24.. If your not in SF. .then please still come.. ha.. but we are going to have a little celebration for Shuji's Bday, my treatments being all done, and his moving in. Pictures will follow..

This past Monday I had my most recent set of CT/PET scans done. Let's hope and pray that they come back clear with nothing. I'm nervous about this and I know I have a long road ahead of me in terms of dealing with the fear and anticipation each time I have to do this.

Friday I'll have a Colonoscopy done, and Saturday some "face" work done. So..it will be a long week again too.

Ok gang, I think that's about it.

I won't bother you with my feelings about the Olympics, Bush's recent threat to Russia, my upcoming hernia surgery, how broke I am, or my feelings about what just happened at the SF Chinese Consolate's Office.. grin, but be sure I'll have plenty to say next time..

All my love and wishing you all healthy, happy, and positive times in your lives right now and always:

Brian

And now what ?

2008-07-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Well, it's been quite the journey. I finished my last radiation treatment last Friday and I'm now officially done with all my programs. It seems so weird to now be "done" with all of it.

I really need to thank all the great nurses up on the Ambulatory Care unit at CPMC, and all the great people down in the Radiation Department as well. CPMC really is a fantastic hospital over at the Clay and Webster location. I never felt ignored or uncared for.

I would never wish this on anyone, but if you ever do have to deal with Cancer like I just had to, they are a great place to be and to receive treatment at.

Now that I'm all done, it's been a little weird for me. I've been feeling alot of "well, now what?" and "so, am I suppose to go back to real life now?", and "what's next?" feelings.

It's been almost 8 months that I've been dealing with this and I feel like my life has been on hold pretty much for it. It's almost like it's been in suspended animation. I suppose that's normal, but it's hard now for me to imagine what my life was like before all of this happened.

I've also been a little paranoid about checking myself and the future, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I'm not in charge of what happens and that worry is nothing but time and energy wasted on things we can not see or predict. It's also the way one misses out on today.

Today I went back to the gym the "real" way minus Shuji, and it felt good. I didn't go mental, but I also pushed myself a bit. Going to the gym is such a big part of my life and what I need to do to feel good about myself. I've missed it and being able to go there. I'm hoping in a few weeks I'll be back to the swing of it.

Next month I'll be going in for some "work" on my face again. It's been over two years now since I had my last Sculptra treatment.. almost 3.. so I'm due. Also I'm going to have some more tests, just to be sure everything is gone, clean and ok. A colonoscopy and or proctoscope and some new scans, ie. pet, ct, etc. .and then I'll get the green light hopefully.

When the last doctor did his "fuck up" surgery, he left me with a huge scar that runs from just above my crotch, above my belly button. At first I was all ashamed and embarrassed by it, but I've been using scar stuff on it and I'm learning to live with it.

But when he cut into my abdominal muscle, somehow I'm told, the muscle under it was weakened? or does not go back in the same direction? I don't know, it's just what the ER Doctor told me last month when I went in for my newest drama, "Diverticulitis" ? Not sure on the spelling of that. ha..

So, anyway I now look like I have two belly buttons, and it's ugly, gross, embarrassing, and I feel soooo uncomfortable about it. I'm gonna see if a plastic surgeon can fix this. Not that I'll be in a Speedo ever again, but I'd like to lay on a beach and not look like I'm pregnant. And well, I think I'd like to have the other "boy" back in place. Ha.. but the thought of all this surgery "considering how it went the last time" makes me cringe.

We'll see.

Slowly but surely the San Francisco Housing Authority and my building management company are working to get Shuji approved and so far it looks good. I think he will be moving in here in August if all goes well.

Money has been tight lately and I've had to make some tough choices. After having not worked much in the past 8 months, I've now had to pass on going to Japan with Shuji this year, I've had to sell my motorcycle to pay some medical bills that were not covered, and I'm not even able to go down to LA to visit Philip, Shane and his parents.

I guess it's like this for everyone these days, with the housing market, the cost of gas, the price of airplane tickets, groceries. Wow, I've never seen the world like this. So many people loosing their homes, and jobs. What a mess this President of ours has made of our country and the world.

But I'm keeping the faith. I believe that it could always be worse, I'm grateful for what I have, and I realize that there are others who have far less. My problems today are luxury problems, compared to so many others who are trying to eat, are homeless, or are still in the grips of drugs or alcohol.

I'm happy to have my lover, great friends, work, a great website job, "Thank You again Glenn and Andy", and all my fingers, toes, eyes, and ears. I'm able to walk, talk, type, create art, and get around all over daily.

None of which was possible on chemo just a few months back.

So, here's to a new chapter. Who knows how this book will go or what the future holds. But one thing is for sure, I am happy to be done with it, and grateful to everyone who helped me along this very difficult and testing time.

I thank ALL of you for your support. Thank You Shuji for staying by my side and loving me through all of this. I love you.

Until next time,

Brian

Caught by The Police!

2008-07-15T10:06:00.001-07:00

Ok, well, so it's been a little while since I checked in and well, alot has been goin on.. But let's start with last night.

I love Sting. I always have. Last night I had the opportunity to go and see what very well might be the last concert by The Police at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Mountain View CA.

While Sting and the boys might be well into their 50's... the talent, skill and voices still rocked.

I had such a great time singing all their popular songs along with Masa who invited me to go with him again.

I had never been there before and well, we even got to use my "disabled" parking permit to get right up by the front of the entrance free of charge. Very nice!

It wasn't that bad of a drive there but considering that the day before Shuji and I had driven all the way up to Sacramento, CA and back.. AND that it was 103 degrees while we where there, it was alot for me to do in my non-air-conditioned truck. On the way home I thought we both were going to melt, die, or faint it was so hot.

So why you might be saying did you guys drive all the way up there in such heat? Well the answer is three little words:

Kimball Hill Homes

Yes, we have just now only started what I'm sure will be at least another year from now, searching for a new home. But Shuji hasn't even moved in with me yet you say? Ha..

True.. but with the market as it is, prices in Sacramento as they are, and well, being able to take our time and just enjoy the process, we started to look at a new home and had a great time. It was really fun actually had it not been so hot.

I had found a new development in West Sacramento with new homes being built and more on the way. The total number of homes will be about 169 when they are all done. It is a gated community, and the model we liked was this one:

http://www.kimballhillhomes.com/plandetails.aspx?PageID=10&Region=Sacramento&Division=940&CommunityCode=456-1&PlanCode=1807

It's a 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath home and it is two stories. It was really nice and we both liked it. The bedrooms are pretty small, but the Master Bedroom was beautiful and it has a HUGE closet that is so big we could truly use it as an office for us both. But one step at a time and we only just now begun thinking about looking. Besides, it's fun pretending that we are actually shopping.

I'm in my last week of Radiation now and hopefully will complete all of my treatments by the end of this week. I can't tell you how happy I am to be getting it done. Of course, there is the fear of what if the cancer comes back, if it does, where will it go, What will happen to me.. bla, bla, bla...but the greatest lesson I think I've learned from this whole experience is that you really have to make your life great.. each and everyday.

You have to tell those around you, that you love and value them. You have to be happy for each day you are alive, because NONE of us know what the future holds.

Be grateful when you are not in pain, wrapped in fear, or held hostage by mental angst and worry. Thank God, your Higher Power, Budda, or whatever spiritual guide you have, for taking care of you for that day and to try and do better the next day and the next on those things we all need to work on.

My whole life I dreamed of owning a house. I never believed I was even worthy of looking at one, let alone imagining that one day I could share one with a lover. Now, even though it's miles and months, if not years away.. I see that it's ok and even fair for me to dream of this and so much more. I know I deserve it.

Over the Forth of July weekend I was really happy to have a visit from Davide, Alana, and Quintin Black. I had not seen them for a long time and it was nice to finally see the whole family and wow.. he's sure growing up fast.. so quick. It's hard to believe he is almost a year old now.

Thank you both for re-connecting with me. I had missed you.

Lastly, our friend Shuku decided a few weeks ago that he was ready to buy his first vehicle. A Volkswagen Bus from the 70's. Yes, he's down with the "hippie" ride and well, while he won't be smoking any of that wacky weed in it, he will for sure be going on a trip. I wish him well and my gift to him has been helping him learn how to drive a stick , via my truck, and helping to prepare him for his own bus as soon as he get's it from South Dakota.. via Ebay. I'll post a pick of it as soon as it get's here.

Shuji and I went to the gym for the first time in months and months again about two weeks ago, but the Radiation has proved a bit too much for me to do while working out and trying to get back to my normal strength and size. I'll wait another week or so and then try it again.

Bear, Summer, Jr, Masa, CL and Fritz, and Renaud. All of you are in my thoughts, and for different reasons...

Lastly, here are some pictures of the show from last night. They are not so great, but still enjoy!

Until next time,

Love, Brian

Radiation.. Day Two

2008-06-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone !

Well so it's been a little while since I checked in with you all and I wanted to just let you all know how the radiation therapy is going and also life in general.

Today I finished my second treatment "of 15", and well, it's been a little harder than I thought it would be.

I think that since I had a bit of a break from my chemo, I kinda started to distance myself from this whole process. It's been about a month now since I had to have a chemo treatment, and so I think I started to kinda feel like things were returning to "semi" normal.

But this newest chapter of Radiation is well, making me feel pretty depressed and overwhelmed again.

It's really hard to get up at 7:30 am and ride over to the hospital, get undressed from the waist down, and then lay on a table with 7 strangers touching you and adjusting not only your private parts but your whole body in a cold, sterile, clinical room all while a very imposing radiation machine looms over your crotch.

Not that now I'm trying to whine or ask for pity, "cause I'm not!" but it's surprisingly been much harder than I expected. I guess I just kinda forgot what I'm battling. Listening to the machine click on and off, seeing the green laser ray and wondering to myself, "Is this really the right thing to do", "Is this thing hurting me or helping me in the end?", and waiting for everyone to come back in after it's "safe" to enter.

I've never really thought of myself as a prude or super shy, but it feels like I'm so much more insecure now that I have one less testicle, a huge scar from a surgery gone bad, and a really bad body image now.

So, onward I'll go, trying to take all of this one day at a time, but honestly, it's hard. Not so much physically, but mentally.

On a different note I've decided that this year I just simply can not go to Japan with Shuji. After crunching the numbers and seeing the increase in airfare and travel, I just can't afford it. I feel like I'm fine, but hangin on a thread in many ways too.

Without working for nearly 7 months this past year, doing my Chemotherapy and feeling ill so much of the time, it really took a toll on my savings and income. Thank God, I have Glenn and Andy and also Scuderia! I'd be screwed without them.

But a trip abroad just isn't possible this year and so while Shuji is very disappointed, I think he understands.

Hopefully next year will be better.

I know I'm not the only one struggling with money and life..just look at those poor people in the Midwest who have lost everything due to floods. I know I'm very much loved, protected, and cared for.

Well, that's about it for now, sorry I couldn't be a bit more uplifting, but hey, this blog is about being real. And real is what I am.

Love to you all,

Brian

A Trip to God's Country

2008-06-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

I hope your all doing well and this blog finds you all in good health.

It's been alittle while since my last post and some good things have been going on, so I thought I would just let you all in on them.

First and foremost my health is good these days. I have completed my Chemotherapy and now it's on to the Radiation. I will be starting the process on June 18th, and I should be done by about the first week of July.

The first two or three sessions are actually all about measuring me and making markings so they can set the radiation to exactly the right spot. My new doctor, Dr. Mark Rounsaville, CPMC, told me that the first few sessions are all about getting it right, and then after that the numbers are all set and all I should have to do is go in "5 days a week", and the process takes about 15 minutes.

I will have a total of 13 treatments and then I'm officially done with all the treatments and I will then start the check ups at a range of every 4 months.

I have been feeling pretty good and well, ha, my hair is now growing back. I have to say while I'm happy to see signs of returning to normal, I really don't envy having to shave my face every other day again. Ha, it's been nice going for weeks without having to do it.

Still, I'm grateful for my health being stable and I look forward to the day when things return back to the way they were before all this started. I'm still nervous and I wonder alot about what the future will bring, but hey, only God knows that one. Certainly not me.

A really great thing that has been going on is my involvement with my friend Glenn's new company and business. Glenn James is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. He's a talented artist, a GREAT motorcycle rider, an extremely intelligent scientist, and one of the best people you could ever ask for to be your friend.

I'm very lucky to have been asked to be a part of this project/business that both Glenn and his friend Andy are starting up.

Wild West Motorcycle Rental will be THE place to rent bikes for anyone who wants to travel around the Bay Area, travel the U.S. or just know about so you can refer your friends or family to.

There is basically no where to go to rent a bike to travel around with unless you want to ride a Harley Davidson, "yuck".. ha.. And Glenn and Andy have created this great business so that FINALLY there will be some other option. And the bikes they will be offering will be both fun and really great on gas.

I have been lucky enough to have been asked to design the companies logo, website, business cards, and all web and graphic products.

You can see the temporary "Welcome Page" at : http://www.wildwestcyclerent.com/

I'll be letting everyone know when the site is fully up and running. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to helping both Glenn and Andy out in their new venture and I am so grateful to be a part of this whole adventure. Thank you Glenn and Andy again!

The next new bit of news is that Shuji and I have decided that we are both ready to live together and hopefully this summer Shuji will be moving in with me. We have started the process both with the SFHA, and my landlord and we will see if it all works out.

It's a really big step for both of us. And while we're both a little nervous about it, we think we are ready. God knows after the past year we have had our love and commitment to each other has really been tested.

While my place is small, it's still bigger than his studio and so keep your fingers crossed that we are given the ok and then it will be official and he can start packin.. grin.

Last but certainly NOT least, last week we both took a few days off and did something that neither of us had ever done before. We rented a car and drove to the beautiful Yosemite Valley.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

I have lived here in California now for 16 years and you know I HAD NEVER BEEN TO YOSEMITE! I felt like such a dummy that I had never gone.. and well, now that I've been...

I have to say "Why didn't I go sooner?".

It was absolutely beautiful and if you've never gone.. well, you just have to do it.

We rented a car via the internet with Alamo.. 23 bucks a day.. so cheap.. for 4 days. We left on a Monday, "avoid the weekends" and came back on Thursday. It was an easy drive which was so fast, "4 hours" and we were there.

Shuji and I stayed in the "Camp Curry" area which offers "cabin tents" and they are actually pretty good. A little close to one another, but still very clean with supplied linens and a light in the room.

We spent our first day amazed at just how beautiful it all was and we walked around the grounds checking out the restaurants, sites, prices and animals.. yes.. a bear and live deer on our first day.

Day two was probably the best of the four in my opinion. Shuji had read about a hiking trail called the "Mist Trail" in his guide book and so we decided to give it a go. Rated at a "beginner" trail we thought.. we can do this..

But after 3 hours and a 450 foot climb to the top of Vernal Falls.. and being completely soaked while getting there.. ha.. we later found out it was an advanced hike.

Wow.. what a rush.. the hike was beautiful and the fight to the top made us both happy, excited, closer, and helped us both celebrate a year of struggles. At one point we both stopped to catch our breath, but we pushed on.. and finally we did it!

After a short break, it was back down the same way we came.. and wow.. did I sleep that night!

It was really rewarding and positive for me to make it to the top of this trail and waterfall since I have to admit my hope, confidence, and faith has been so tested in these past months, that it helped me see and feel that I am far from being over.

We made it back to the camp and had dinner and it was the end of another great day. Oh yeah.. and we also saw another wild bear that day too..

On our third day we drove about an hour from Yosemite to the Mariposa Grove. The home to some of the biggest and oldest Redwood Seqoia trees in the country. Some of these giants get to be 3000 years old. We took a "freezing" tram ride around the park, but it was later in the day when the sun came out that we really enjoyed the views.

We saw a bear this day too when, as I was driving, one came out of the woods and walked right in front of the car.. ha.. scary, but exciting too.

Sure, there was the snoring neighbor, the screaming baby on the other side of our tent, and well, a creepy guy in a near by tent who was really gross, "that's another story", but overall Shuji told me it was a perfect trip and we both really really had a great time.

I'm working on the 309 pictures I took on the trip right now, but I'll let you all know when I put them up on the web for you to view.

Tomorrow I have a screen test for a cooking show I want to be on, and then the week is well, full of other things.. but I wanted to say hi to you all and also a special Thank You to Shuku and Yuko for dinner last night. That was so much fun, and congrats on your new house.

I'll be in touch soon, and I love you all.

Brian

Just one of those days...

2008-05-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to check in and say hi to you all. You know, some days are just not meant to work out. You have to take them as they come and well, sometimes.. NOTHING seems to work.. grin.

Like yesterday for instance...

I got up with Shuji and at first all things were fine.. but then we had an argument about his 40 minute boiling hot showers and what havoc they were causing to the bathroom walls and ceiling. AKA mold/mildew. He finally admitted he was wrong, but by then I was pissed.

Then after talking it out we went to the SPCA for the forth time. Of course the dog which I have fallen in love with wasn't all that for him at first. We met with a trainer who said, the dog had "dog on dog reactive" issues.. so we passed.. I'm still not sure I have. But just look at this face..

So, then after I had gotten my resentment on real good, we left and went to lunch. I was starving and even though I was like totally against it, Shuji wanted McDonalds. So we went there and after eating way too much of nothing nutritious, we went to leave.

As we walked out, feeling sick from the grease, suddenly this blackbird swoops down and PECKS ME ON MY HEAD! I was totally attacked by this bird...

I don't know if I was just a big white bald canvas target for him or what but it totally freaked me out and I yelled like a girl!

LOL

I thought Shuji would wet his pants.. laughing at his boyfriend, who once again had shit happen to him that NO BODY else does..

LOL..

Here's a clip of other poor victims of this terrible crime of attack:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kul1WNvDFk8

So, the moral of the story is..

Somedays your just bound to be attacked by a pecker, refused by your love, and left to wipe the shit off yourself..

Ha....

Love,

Brian

2008-05-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

This is why we live here.... beautiful!

The Ending... part 1

2008-05-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!

Well, here I am writing you all to let everyone know that I’m now officially done with my Chemotherapy. I have finished all 6 sessions, and all 4 lumbar punctures. So far all is well and my results from all tests have come back clear.

I’m cautiously happy and celebrating, but if there is one thing that I’ve learned again from this whole experience is that NOTHING is guaranteed, and life truly is ONE DAY AT A TIME in which no one is promised anything. Which is why one must really appreciate each and every day that you’re well, alive, healthy, and able to live life, even if some days are bad. At least, you’re alive and able to feel them.

It seems so surreal for me to be now done and having people tell me “Congratulations”, “You made it”, and “Your all done now”. It’s funny, because on the one hand yes, I suppose I am. But one the other hand, well, it’s impossible for me to put all of what these past six months have been like, away and simply move “forward”.

I have many feelings. Some are resentful, some are grateful, and some are fearful. I feel like the diagnosis has taken these first six months of the New Year away from me. I’ve had to put my whole life on hold, while all of this was happening and processing. I will never get that time back.

I also feel like I’m very lucky and I’m grateful to all the friends and people who have helped me. Robert for all the laundry help. Bear and Summer for your support, food, and positive words along the way. To Shuku and Yuko for our day at IKEA and all the fun that was. To Emerald for her checking in on me, and to Karen for all the driving, and time you spent sitting with me for my first few Chemo sessions. To Crystal, for being so flexible with my work schedule and allowing me to relax and not worry so much about missing so much work. Karen my sponsor, for keeping me in today, and for all the love, support and guidance you give me daily in my program. Lastly, to both Janet and Eleanor, my two favorite nurses at CPMC who were both incredible, kind, fun, and who's work and professional skills help make it so much better for those of us when we are ill and need care and love. Thank you to both of you.

Lastly of course, I could never have done this without the love, support, and devotion of you Shuji. For my whole life I dreamt of finding the kind of love that I get from you. When I had all but given up on ever finding love again, or giving my love to another, you appeared. You have shown me in your own, private, and unobtrusive way that you really do love me, and that you really are committed to me, to us, and to the long haul. No matter what my health, or life becomes. I now believe that you are really the right one that God wanted for me all along, and that your love for me is REALLY REAL. You changed and learned along the way. You teach me and help me to change as well.

I’m the luckiest man in the world, because of all the men who could have met you, I was the one who with my eyes saw all the potential, love, creativity, and depth that you have within and who you chose to show and give yourself to.

Thank you Shuji for not giving up on me, my future, and my life. Thank you for not leaving me in one of my most difficult and challenging hours. And thank you for loving me and understanding just who I am, what I need, and how much I want to live and grow with you into our future.

---------------------------------------------------

In the past two weeks Shuji and I had some really great day trips that I want to share with all of you.

Two weeks ago we headed out for a day trip in search of a hidden spot that I had been trying to find again after years. I vaguely remembered it was north of San Francisco, and I thought it was near Marin, but I only knew it as a really cute, very European looking, hidden shopping area that I wanted to find and revisit.

Well, it turns out that Mill Valley is the place and Kelly and her husband Jeff knew exactly where I wanted to go. The night we had dinner there, they both knew what I was talking about and even had directions for me. So, two weeks ago on “Our Day”, we headed out to Marin. Taking the turn off to go to Stinson Beach, to the right is a split to go to Mill Valley, then just following a few short roads and signs we arrived at the shopping area on Thornburton Road.

We walked around in the woods and really loved the atmosphere. The cute shops, the great trees, and the over priced goods were really a pleasure that took all of about forty-five minutes to get to. Well, worth the short drive.

Yesterday, after having lived here for 15+ years now, we went to the San Francisco Zoo. It was a bit cold but we still had a nice time. Now, I have to be honest, I’m not usually a zoo person. I have always found zoo’s to be depressing and I always feel bad for the animals. But the grounds were quite nice, the animals were really fun to look at, and I got some really incredible shots of a few animals that took my camera and its macro lens to a whole new level of appreciation. You can see all the pictures of our Zoo visit at: http://www.http://www.brianwickersham.com/Zoo/index.html

Shuji and I had a really nice time, and we walked all around the zoo and we both were really impressed by the animals and sites. It was another nice day together and one that was close, affordable, and a new experience for both of us.

After the zoo we headed home and Shuji went out to a birthday party with friends at Andalu. He said it was very good and you can see more about the menu, restaurant, etc at: http://www.andalusf.com/

I do want to say Thank You to everyone who has been reading my blog and keeping in touch with me during this difficult time. Another Thank You to Emerald, Karen, and Summer for checking in on Shuji two weeks ago when I was in the hospital. And to everyone who has prayed, written, phoned, or thought about me in the past months.

I really believe that friends are priceless, and that love is limitless. And my friends are the best in the world. One never knows how much you impact or affect someone’s life, and when those people come to your aid later in life, well, it makes the whole circle complete.

A rough weekend...

2008-04-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone:

Well, it's been a rough weekend and start to the week, but I'm now out of the hospital and trying to get better.

Pretty much all things were going fine for me recently, but last week as I finished up my 5th Chemo and Nupogin shot, I started to feel alittle run down. Of course the chemo makes my white blood count go down and this combined with ANY kind of cold, virus, or even allergies can really kick me down.

On Thursday Philip arrived from LA and he and I and Karen had a great lunch at Nordstrom's Cafe Bistro. We ate until we almost exploded and once again, "Thank You Philip" for that great lunch. Karen is still dreaming of her Profiteroles.

I came home and shortly afterwards started to feel really tired, and run down. So I took a little rest and later that night when Shuji called, I took the scooter over to pick him up. We had dinner, and by the time I got home I was drained. I fell down on the Living Room Floor and just slept there until about 4 am.

In the morning, I awoke and just looked at Shuji and said, "We need to go to the hospital now". So, off we went, and Thank You again to Karen for taking me with your car.

After we got there I realized just how sick I was. I was given 4 bags of fluids because I was really dehydrated and then there was a chest x-ray, bloodwork, a flu test, and some other things. I was feeling really sad, down, and sick. After a bit the doctor came and told me that yes, I would in fact have to be admitted and would be staying.

So, I spent the next four nights in the hospital as we tried to raise my blood count. By Sunday I was really over it and my wbc was down to 1.4 It just wasn't safe for me to leave and go outside they told me. I basically felt ok, but I was just not strong enough to fight off a infection, which could in turn really wreak havoc on me. So, they finally decided to give me a second Nupogin shot and see. Well, it definitely works. It hurts like hell and I'm really sore and can't walk after I get one for about 4 days, but hey, it brought them up and on Tuesday I got out.

So the plan now is just to keep on keepin on, and on the 7th I'll get my last Lumbar Puncture. Then on the 12th the FINAL CHEMO AND SHOT. I just really want to make through this. Then a few weeks later, I'll be starting Radiation.

I've lost weight now again and I'm very insecure about how "sick" I look. I'm quite depressed and not feeling well still yet, but I'm keeping my chin up as best I can. I'd be lost without my Shuji. He is the rock I keep leaning on.

I'm trying to be spiritual and grateful and keep my mind and thoughts in the day, but for some reason this time it's really hard.
I feel like I'm really hangin on to my last few strings of hope and faith.

I cry alot and say "I'm sorry" to Shuji all the time, but his love is clear and helps me day by day. I just really want to return to a time when everything was better and we both didn't have all this drama. I feel like I'm really close to being exausted from all of this.

My friends like Philip, Karen, Emerald, Summer and Bear, Glen, and Crystal help pull me along and I'm so very grateful to have them.

So, that's it for now. Please keep up your prayers and thoughts for me. I'm so close now I just need to get over this last little hill.

Much love and gratitude to all of you my friends.

Brian

The Dream Toilet

2008-04-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so for alot of you, you might think.. omg.. is he nuts.. Ha...
But I just had to tell you about my new Toilet Lid. You can read all about it at:

http://www.brondell.com/products/Swash800.php

and yes.. it's about $800 to $1000 new.

So, about a year ago, I lent my truck to my friend Brian from Scuderia West, who I work with. He used it one weekend a month for about 4 months. So, when he got done, he said to me, "hey, what can I do for you in return". Shuji and I had just come back from Japan and while we were there I TOTALLY fell in love with the "butt washing, heated toilet seats". Ha ha ha.

WELL... It just so happens that Brian's brother worked for a plumbing company that SOLD these toilets. The next weekend, there it was.. my new Brondell toilet. Last week Masa installed it for me, and OH MY GOD.. I sooooooo totally love it. LOL

You have to see and try it to believe it. Hell, I just sit on the toilet now just for fun, or to read a book. ha, ha, ha, ha.

Check it out and then I swear.. come over and try it..

Love,

Brian

What's New

2008-04-17T00:15:00.001-07:00

Hello Everyone!

I hope this blog finds you all in good health and doing well.

It's been a few weeks now since I checked in and alot has been going on. All good.. so don't worry, grin.

I had my last treatment and all went as usual and I was really happy to find out last week that my latest CT and PET scans came back clear.. so.. no cancer found so far.

My last lumbar puncture was actually ok, and I have only one more to go which will take place on Weds of next week. Hopefully it will be like the rest have been.

My skin is really getting messed up though and also I've been really "itchy".. my skin has been drying out more and more and so I have to use lotion and oil so I don't turn into a piece of sandpaper.. grin, but overall, I have nothing to complain about.

Last week on Friday we took off and headed to Point Reyes, and after getting lost and a bit of a meltdown, we found our way there and then onto "The Lighthouse".

I have to say that in all the years that I've lived here, I have never seen such a beautiful site, vista and with the weather cooperating the way it did, both Shuji and I were blown away by the scenery. We even saw some deer! It took a while to drive there, but it was well worth it.

Once we got there we had to decide if we were willing to climb the 388 steps to the bottom, down to the Lighthouse and back up to the top. Well, the way down was ok, but wow.. I almost died coming back up.

Here's some pictures of the day.. Sooooo beautiful. If you haven't been there, I'd suggest you go.. it's a great day trip.

Last Sunday Glen, Karen, Andy, Sharon, and myself all took our bikes down to Santa Cruz for the day. We took Highway 1 and it was really nice. I'm embarrassed to say I had NEVER been there... grin, yeah I know.. but so for the day we went down and I finally got to see the Boardwalk, and we all had a nice ride. It's so nice to have friends to ride with, and I'm so grateful for the days that I feel good now and am able to ride my KLR.

Here's the gang:

So.. a great day on Friday, a great ride on Sunday..

On Wednesday, Masa and I went to the Fillmore to see Tom Petty, aka Mudcrutch. I had never been to the Filmore and well, wow..what a beautiful place. With such memories, energy, and well, posters... it was a big deal for me to go to such a landmark. Tom looked and sounded great, and well, the crowd was really funny to watch. Every type of person, age, and well, "look" was there. I swear Masa and I left with a contact "high", from all the people who were smokin the weed.. ha.. At one point when he was singing, "Everybody must get stoned", the lights came up and the crowd was more than happy to show off their pipes and joints.. Ha.. Unreal.. only in San Francisco. But it was great fun, and Thank You to Masa once again. Your a great friend!

This week, it's been all about web design, graphic design and trying to cram all I can into the days before my next treatment.. Monday.

Shuji and I are both really happy and we will have dinner this Saturday with Kelly and her family. Bear and Summer are doing the "move in", and everyone else seems to be ok.

I'm super excited to be working on Glen and Andy's new logo, company, and website... thanks again you guys.

SO.... for now all is fine, well, and I'm grateful for the past week.

I'm drowning financially.. but I'm hangin in there. Hopefully the jobs will begin to pay soon. It's now been 4 months that I've not been able to work and the bills are piling up. I know God will take care of it all and I'm doing my best..

That's about it for now, and I'll check in with you all next week after my 5th treatment.

Love to you all.

Brian

Across The Universe

2008-04-05T23:08:00.001-07:00

Hello Everyone,

You know, Walt Whitman once said, "I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends."

Tonight was just another example of just how truly lucky and blessed I am to have the friends whom I do.

In a time and world where so many people can get so lost, distracted, selfish, and self-focused, it's really a true blessing to have people who are loved ones and close good friends come to stand around you when you need them most.

I am one of these lucky such people.

Tonight I had Karen, Emerald, and Masa over to watch "Across The Universe" and what a wonderful time I had.

First off the movie "ROCKED" and really looked beautiful on my television. Combine that with Dolby Surround Sound, and well, we had a great time, just like we were in a movie theater minus the $15 bucks to get in and the $45 for popcorn.. grin.

The film was great, the cast was beautiful and incredibly talented. Fantastic choreography and special effects. The way the movie was written to merge the Vietnam war with the music of the Beatles.. well.. incredible. We all loved it.

But you know before the movie even began I was making some snacks for us and I realized here were three people who I just called up today and invited over for a movie, and all three came over and there we were. No drama, no hype, just casual and happy to share time with me and with others.

I used to think that my lover or partner HAD to be the one who I was to be with forever, who would "save" me, make me, and show me how to never be lonely again. And don't get me wrong, I love my man, but NO ONE can be all things, all the time, to anyone. That is simply just too much to ask from one soul.

That is why I'm so grateful for my friends. I'm growing up. I'm learning and I see more and more that friends near or far, are an incredibly valuable thing that should NEVER be taken lightly or for granted.

I'm so blessed to have Shuji, Philip, Karen, Emerald, Masa, Kelly, Crystal, Karen, Bear, Summer, Robert, Glen, Jr. , Scott, Gary, Sandra, Fritz, Shuku, and everyone else who has checked in with me, continued to support me during this time, and has helped me with any chores or needs I've had.

I thank all of you for being a true loving forgiving and supportive friend.

Lovers come and go but a friend who loves you even when they think you have messed up, or who might not agree with your choices, who comes to help when you ask once, and who never thinks about showing up for you because your friends, who knows when you leave you alone, and when to push you to move and can still do this in a loving way, who always just has the right words to make you never give up.. well, this is indeed what I think God had in mind when he made the word "love".

Thank you guys for tonight and for everyone who keeps on helping me in my struggle with health.

p.s. I love you Shuji

Round 4

2008-04-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone.

I hope this latest blog finds you all in good health, and feeling well mentally and spiritually. I'm doing ok, and well, now I'm down 4 and 2 more to go, before I start radiation, which should be about 2-3 weeks more.

This current one which I started yesterday however seems to have become alittle more difficult than the past 3.
By more difficult I mean mentally. It's kinda weird how this time I seem to have developed a kind of "refusal" to want to go and do my chemo unlike previously.

I'm not sure why but I just kinda hit a wall and have been feeling like "God, I just sooo don't want to do this again". I mean I guess it's normal, but I never felt this before now so it's been alittle harder than usual to go.

I did my 12 hour day again yesterday and while I was bored, the good and very lucky news is that once again I had NO reactions or side effects to this treatment while I was getting it. This morning I'm off to get my Nulastin shot, which should kick in about 5 hours after I get it if all goes as before.

Tomorrow, however, is the day that I most dread. The lumbar puncture and chemo injected into the site. This will be my third one and unfortunately, they dont' seem to becoming more pleasant. I'm not sure if it's the combination of all three of these treatments back to back, or the lumbar treatment itself, but after all of these are done I'm super sick for about 12 days after. So, I guess the "up" side is that now I kinda know how to plan for the days following these.

Tonight, "Tuesday" I'm feeling alittle emotional, I have spiked my usual fever, I'm all red, itchy and well, just not looking forward to starting that fucking prednisone tomorrow.. along with the spinal tap and chemo. I miss Shuji tonight too..

I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes and I guess I'll check in soon there after and let you all know how it went.

Keep up the prayers and good thoughts for me please. I'm really getting sick of this Cancer thing. I know I'm over half way done now, but I'm already fighting with my fears, and demons about the future.

Love,

Brian

Enjoying Saturday

2008-03-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

Well, after nearly two weeks indoors, I can't tell you how great it was to FINALLY get out and enjoy what was an INCREDIBLE day today. Even though I got alittle tired, Karen and I really had a fun day.

We started off going to the Macy's Flower Show which had a theme this year of "Mosaics of Spain". Since I have been there and know how beautiful it is, I was excited to see how it would be. Just as we walked in there was an exhibition of dancers performing and so we watched that.

Afterwards, we strolled up the flights on each floor checkin things out. Throughout the store there were small displays that evoked Spain and Spanish Style.

Karen suggested we go to Nordstrom's for Lunch and so we did. Thank you Karen for my salad/sandwich. Delious.

Then we checked out what will soon be my new cookware and compared different models and manufacturers.

Back on the bus we went and that was that. A fun sunny day.

Here's some shots of the day.

P.S. God, it's good to be feeling better..

Brian

Feeling Better...

2008-03-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,

Well, FINALLY the bad week is lifting. Wow.. this last one really kicked my ass... and I mean hard.

What would I do without Shuji, Karen, Kelly, Robert, Karen C., and all my friends who continue to send their love and prayers my way. Thank You.

I'm half way there guys, and this month and the next will prove to really be my biggest tests yet. Two chemo sessions and recovery periods per month for the next two months.. It will really be a big challenge to get through. I have two more lumbar punctures to get through, and then I'm in the clear.. minus radiation.. but that is suppose to be a breeze.. at least that's what people tell me.

This past month has been really hard though, not working, not being able to work, and being so sick for so long after the "triple hit", that I have to do. Day One: 12 hours of chemo, Day Two: a shot from hell, and Day Three: the puncture and then the 10 days that follow of incredible sickness, pain, fatique, depression, and discomfort.

Sometimes I can't even think about it myself, or the fact that I'm doing it. I don't want to even think about what's still to come.

I just really want it all to be done and to get back to living again. I'm resentful at how I've had to give my first half of this year away to this thing called Cancer. It feels like it's been taken away from me along with my financial stability, and my productivity, not to mention my freedom.

I'm sure as time goes by I'll process those feelings and hopefully find a more positive, peaceful, and spiritual way to look and feel about this... I hope.

I also want to say on March 18th, I celebrated 19 years clean and sober.. My sponsor was the only person to really know, and remember, and she sent me a beautiful card and a chip in the mail. Thank you so much Karen. I love you.

So.. as I sit here tonight, Saturday.. I'm feeling alittle better. Tomorrow is another day, another way and another chance at feeling better I suppose. My plan is to go to Macy's Flower Show tomorrow with Kelly, Isabelle, Karen and myself. I hope it's as beautiful as I imagine.

Ok, well, that's about it from me tonight. I'm grateful to be feeling better finally, and I love you all.

Brian

A low point...

2008-03-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Well, to some of you this blog might be weird, or surprise you, since I just got done saying my lumbar puncture went really great on Wednesday. No pain, and "yippie", NO HEADACHE, unlike the last time.

I was so relieved and grateful. I can't tell you how many times throughout the day on Thursday I stopped and felt grateful.

Unfortunately, Friday came, via Thursday night.. of which I was very VERY sick through, and also in the morning, and all through the day as well. Today is Saturday, and one thing I'm learning about this Cancer/Chemo thing.. is never plan on anything being what you think it is.

My body is completely sore. Every joint, every muscle. I can not explain the amount of pain in my legs. I have on and off again fevers so high my bed, sheets, clothes, and even comforter has to be changed every 4-5 hours. Yesterday I took 7 baths, just to try and lower the body aches I have. My headache seems to be mild, which I still am very grateful for, but it's still there.
Diarrea, no appetite, absolutely no sense of taste, and major fatique.

I've really become sadden and disappointed by this latest one. I guess I forgot that the last time I had this same treatment it was like this too, plus the insane heachache. I got the last "regular" chemo treatment, confused with this type, where it goes into my spine. This one is definitely the worse of the two.. by far.

I'm really trying to stay strong, mentally positive, and to take my reg. HIV meds, but I've messed up so badly in the past weeks with them. On days like today, and yesterday, if I can just take the chemo pills and tollerate the pain and uncomfortability my body feels that enough. I am trying to take them though...I could use some help with that too..

Shuji continues to be the best partner I've ever had, not only around this, but in everyway. I am certain now he will move in, and we will be living together soon. Last night he and I talked alot about things and he showed me once again not only how Japanese he really is, but how much he does love me.

I was feeling so terribly sad and in pain, and he just held me and let me cry. He kept saying " I stay with you", and " Stop saying your sorry" which I tend to do alot of when I get sick and then feel like I've somehow brought it into a partner's life. I even feel this for my friends.

I just need to rest, wait, and be patient and pray. Take it One Day At A Time, and hang in there. I only have two more of these "hell" treatments to go, and then I'm done, but damn I really don't think I could ever do a year of this shit like so many other people endure. I'm not that strong.

Thanks for reading this, and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It really does help me knowing that people are thinking about me and hoping I do ok through all of this.

All my love,

Brian

Round 3

2008-03-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well, so here I am the night before my 3rd Chemo treatment, and a week full of other treatments too. Tomorrow I will have my usual 10-12 hour day, Tuesday will be my Nulastin shot, and then on Wednesday my Lumbar Puncture aka "Spinal Tap" with Chemo.

I've had a pretty low energy week, but I am happy to say I've started back on writing my new book, and Shuji and I actually made it back to the gym after 12 weeks off. I didn't do much, but it was a big achievement for me to just go.

My depression seems to resurface a day or so before these Chemo sessions, and so I've finally realized I need to built up my support a day or two BEFORE I go in. That way I'm not flatten after I get them, when it's too hard for me to ask for help.

I went to a meeting this morning and saw my sponsor Karen who afterwards spent time with me talking and chatting about it all. Life, Chemo, Relationships, Money, and my 8th Step.

I'm so lucky to have found her. She is truly the best sponsor I have ever had. The amount of recovery she has brought to me, and showed me how to get, has been incredible.

I talked with her about this whole Cancer thing, and how surreal it still seems to me. We talked about money, litigation, fear, ego, faith, gratitude, future tripping, acceptance, and being honest with myself... all things that have been on my mind lately.

While I'm not happy about this next session of treatment, I know I can do it. Thank God, I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. I really don't want to loose those, then I'll really feel like a freak.

Today I actually made it back to the Flea Market that I wanted to revisit. I picked up a beautiful Sterling Silver bracelet I have been thinking about for the past two weeks. So that was my gift to myself. $40.00

Thanks so much to Robert for doing my laundry this past month. I really appreciate the time and thoughtfulness of offering to help me with this.

Shuji and I had a really great couple of days this past week. Friday we went down to San Jose and we finally got to check out the place. We strolled around the city, saw the sites and shops, and even went to the area of town deemed as San Jose's "Japantown".

Here are some pictures of our day, until next time, Love to you all, Brian.

2008-03-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, so just wanted to drop you all this quick link. I just took Karen out to one of my favorite places to chill here in the city.
It's cool, relaxed, ethnic, asian, delicious, pure and thoughtful. She had a spiritual, flavorful, and mental experience... ha.
Check it out at : http://www.samovartea.com

Talk to you all soon..

B

What's new...

2008-03-02T23:42:00.000-08:00

Well, hey everyone,

Just wanted to check in and let you all know what's been going on. Last week was pretty tough, side-effects and all. Mentally I'm very up and feeling very positive, but the side-effects made me really sick last week. Fatigue, no sense of taste, muscle pain, stomach pain the whole week, and well, inconsistent bowels, well, made for a pretty ugly week.

But two Friday's ago, the 22nd, Shuji and I had our "Fridaytime" together and it was great. Shuji had the idea for us to start the day off at the Ferry Building here in SF. I have lived here now for 15 years and I have never been there so off we went. We started the day checking out the sites, foods, and booths located in the building, and then we strolled down the Embarcadero to Pier 39, where I was then treated to an OUTSTANDING dinner at the Franciscan on the bay. THANK YOU SHUJI.

I got pretty tired on the way down there, but it was worth it once inside where I ate crab until I thought I would pop..grin

It was so nice to be treated to a great dinner.

Then this past week, well, I was pretty sick, but on Friday we both prepared and packed and got all of our stuff ready for the First Annual Brian's Cancer Sidewalk Sale .LOL.. ha. .ok, ok, I know it sounds sick and really twisted, but hey, it was funny/fun as hell.

I had so much stuff to get rid of, and both Shuji and Karen joined in. I got my help from Masa, Shuku, and Bear. All of them helped me bring my "sh*t" downstairs and onto the street, where we all set up our tables and sold, sold, sold.

I made $180, and Shuji made $200..Karen rolled in with $100. Not bad for a one day, 6 hour, bagels and OJ day. So.. alittle more cash for them bills.

Thank you so much to Robert, Emerald, Kelly, Belle, Bear, Masa, Shuku, and Glen for stopping by. Thanks so much guys for helping me.

Extra special Thanks goes out to Masa.... who stayed the WHOLE Day and froze his butt off and even helped put away the stuff.
Your the best Masa... Thank you.

This month should be a bit of a challenge as I have not one, but THREE procedures to get through. My Doctor told me last week that this month I will in fact be having that lumbar puncture with chemo done. I think I have convinced him that I need to be knocked out for it to happen. I'm just praying the headache doesn't come back. I'll have this done two days after my 12 hour chemo day.. so.. you know the 10th, 11th, and 12th of the month are gonna suck.

Anyway, today at least is good, and I'm feeling better. So, here's few pics for you to see and I'll check in soon.

Love,

Brian

Two down, Four to go....

2008-02-20T10:03:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone,

Well, this week I completed my second chemo treatment and I'm happy to say all went well, except for the 12 hours it took again. Yes, 12!

I was promised that this time it would be considerably shorter, but no such luck. The way the system is set up, plus the amount of chemo and types, makes it one of the most intense programs. I start with a 4-5 hour bag of chemo, then 2, 15-20 minute bags of chemo, one more 30 minute bag, and finally a one hour bag. Total chemo time... about 7 hours.. rewards of saving my life...priceless. grin.

But add in the time to get to hospital, parking, waiting for the pharmacy to make the drugs, and receiving the doctors orders, well, you get it. I also have to return back to the hospital the next day for a shot.. remember my $3600 dollar shot.. Nulastin.

Yeah, well, add into all of that 5 days of Prednisone at 100mg a day.. which makes me red, hyper, bloated, and MOOD SWINGS AND DEPRESSION like you would not believe.

Ok, ok, enough with the negativity. I'm just lettin you all in on what a chemo week is like.

So far things are going ok I guess. I'm pretty anxious about the lumbar puncture with chemo they keep saying I'm gonna get. Because the last time I had one, I was knocked out, and had that incredible headache for like 10 days. I'm soooo not into having that again.

I emailed my doctor's nurse, and he forwarded it to him, but no reply as of yet.. more on that later.

My skin is definitely changing, and my hair is falling out alittle more, "not that I had much to start with", ha, but my beard is kinda thinning too. Less to shave I guess.

But over all I still feel like I have very little to complain about. I am still considering sueing the surgeon who fucked up my original procedure, but I have been turned down by 4 lawyers, all saying that the case is impossible to win. Apparently, there's no promise that the work will be done right the first time. But I'm still workin on that alittle.

I also want to say a big Thank You to Robert for taking my laundry for this month and doing it for me. I can't tell you how good of a friend and ex you are. Your suggestion that you'll do it for one month and then maybe someone else can do it the next month.. is a good one. I really appreciate your help.

Also BIG THANKS to Kelly for cleaning my bathroom. Your friendship, and help really is priceless.

Summer's Cassarole and your distributing my flyers is just another sign of how lucky Bear is to have you, and how lucky I am to call you my friend.

Thank You to Emerald too, for flyers and for your supportive emails and friendship. I appreciate your prayers.

Philp, your emails and continued calls are so much loved, as are yours JR. Even if we miss each other's I still get them and see them.

My appreciation to Crystal and how flexible you have been with me with work and my schedule is impossible to explain. I am so lucky to work for you, and value and love my job so much at Scudderia that I can't tell you how much I not only love you, but am thankful for your continued support and allowance for me to continue work for you.

Karen, well, what can I say.. TWO 12+ hour days now you have gone with me. There are very few people who will give up an entire day, sit with me while I get my chemo, and NOT ONCE complain about it. Your smile, your conversation while I get my medicine is invaluable. I am so blessed to have you in my life and as my friend. I know you say it's nothing, but to me it's everything.

My sponsor Karen, who I could never find my way through all of this and still stay sober and clean without.

If I keep typing, I'm gonna start to cry now.. grin

Ok, ok, well, I think I got everyone.. if I didn't forgive me .. it's the Prednisone.

Very lastly, I want to say that I am so blessed and happy to have my Shuji. He continues to support me, and is getting better and better at understanding my moods, fears, feelings, and need for support and reassurance. I worry often about him leaving me, dumping me, or being "too much" on him and of course there have been moments where I have already gone to "what if it comes back, how long will I be ok".. etc..

But the bottom line is, "JUST FOR TODAY" he is here, he is good, we are good, I am getting the treatment I need and deserve, and my friends and loved ones are all rooting for me I'm sure .

Please continue to pray for me, and wish me luck and good results.

Big love and hugs to you all.

Brian

And so the fun begins....

2008-02-07T22:06:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

Well, it's been about a week and a half now since my first chemo treatment. I have to say I spoke too early with regards to side effects, cause boy have they been killin me this week.

I basically had a good week immediately following the treatment, however within about 6-7 days afterwards I notices my sense of taste was completely gone. I could not taste anything. Coffee, Blue Cheese, Ham, Salad.. it all tastes the same. Bland.

The first side effect that came was the loss of taste. The second was my tongue, and sides of my mouth getting "pastey". It was similar to "Thrush", but different. I spoke to John, who is my doctors wing man/ nurse "who is incredible btw", and he told me that rinsing with warm water, baking soda, and salt would help with the pain.

So I did.. and in two or three days the pain was gone.

Unfortunately it moved down my GI tract and for the past week now I have had a stomach ache. Not impossible to deal with, but uncomfortable.

Over the past weekend it got pretty bad so on Monday, I called John. I told him I just felt like crap and just wasnt' feeling good. He told me he could see me that day.. "incredible", and after a small "incident" with a queen, a miada, and two "rat dogs", I got into the office.

My blood work was fine, but I had missed a shot that I was suppose to get the following day after my chemo treatment. John said he'd give me it now.. and he warned me .. It was gonna make my joints sore..

OMG

I have never had body/joint pain like that in my entire life. With the exception of when I got sick four years ago.. This was the second most pain I've ever felt.

I could not walk, stand up, or even crawl. Every bone in my body was exploding in pain. My knees buckled if I tried to walk, my hips hurt just laying horizontal, and my muscle spasms were unreal. My whole body seized in pain as waves of hurt went on and on over me. I yelled out in pain as Shuji just could stand there and try to keep me from yelling. It was horrible.

I finally called the on-call doctor and he told me that I need to take 3 Advil and one Vicodin. I did and within about 30 minutes it all finally stopped. But by now my whole body was wracked.

I slept for about an hour and when I woke up I was better. Thank God.

Today has been very low key, but the pain is still there. My stomach is ok, still hurts, but the joint pain is being controled much better now since I know what to take.

Kelly, "who I love and adore", came and cleaned my bathroom today. Her smile, laughter and energy really made my day better. I can't say "Thank You" enough for doing all that. It really is hard for me to ask for help, but you did an incredible job, and Thank You for helping me.

Then Robert came and dropped off my laundry. He responded to my email that I sent out the other day, and offered to do my laundry for one month. Incredible. He is still the sweet, loving, giving and wonderful man I had the privilege to date and to still call my friend. Thank You Robert again.

So.. for now all is ok. I still am dreading my spinal/chemo treatment on the 19th.. but One Day at a Time .. right?

Shuji and I will try to go out for dinner for Valentines Day. I hope I'm ok to do so.

Well, that's about it for me for this week. I've really been knocked down with the pain stuff, but hey, I'm soooo far from being over and quitting. Hell no.. As a matter of fact, I'm buying a new motorcycle tomorrow. LOL..

F*ck That.. Even if I can't ride it right now. I will one day.

Love to you all..

Brian

The day after...

2008-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

Well, ok, actually it's 2 days later.. and well, I'm doing quite well. I have to say that the whole chemo thing so far hasn't been that bad. I'm very grateful for all the good thoughts, prayers, and well wishes I've received from all of you who have emailed me. I really do appreciate and feel them inside.

It is a rare and good friend indeed who will sit with you for 12 hours. .yes, 12 hours while you get your chemotherapy for the first time and for this I owe my friend Karen a big THANK YOU. She is a great friend, a good supportive soul, and a great listener. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. Thank you Karen again.

We took a cab over to CPMC and arrived for my 10 am check in. I brought along my $3600 dollar vial of medicine for my "nausea" that "Thank God" Mr. Bush's health care plan had paid for, and we sat down. I got a preliminary cbc done and then we were off to the chemo department/reststop..grin.

Karen and I checked in at about 10am and I was given a bed, a few instructions and we sat for about 4 hours before things FINALLY got underway. First the doctors orders were not there, then the pharmacy had to make up the medicine, and then finally I got it.

The first IV bag was to take about 4.5 hours to do. At at half way point, I had a small breathing attack, "normal they tell me", because my asphma kicked in and I had to stop for about a hour while they gave me a breathing treatments. I got the chills and a small fever, but it subsided soon there after. All of which was very normal they say.

So, due to this minor setback, I had to start all over again at the lower rate of infusion. But eventually I got there and I was off.

It felt so weird to be laying there knowing these totally toxic chemicals were going into me, killing every cell I have, the good and the bad.. but hey, I was doing what I think is the best move.

All of my tests now have in fact come back clear and negative. A very good sign for me. On the one hand I think well, if there's no other cancer why do all this treatment stuff.. yet I have also been told that this kind of lymphoma is very sneeky and can hide in places, so. I'm gonna go for the "overboard" approach.

I had a total of 5 bags of drugs that lasted about 6 hours if all had gone well, but finally that night Karen and I left at 10:40 pm. Yes.. 12+ hours.

I came home and just sat down and started to decompress and process the whole day.. I went to bed at about 2.. mentally and physically exausted.

The next day I woke up feeling pretty good. I knew I'd have to start my Prednisone, 100mg a day for 5 days EVERY time I have this chemo treatement. So I wanted to take it early on.. and make sure I ate.. I've done it before and let's just say that it's like being on Speed and you don't stop eating. At the same time, I turn red and I get bloated. Really sexy right?

Anyways I took my pills and well, felt pretty good all day, but at about 2pm I was already tired. I just wanted to sleep and rest.. so I did.

Shuji came over last night and spent the night which really made me feel better. I had a little fever from the Prednisone I think, but by this morning it was all gone.

Today I've felt pretty good. Tired, but I still got alot done thanks to the "sone", grin.

I will say this much:

I don't know if I'm just incredibly lucky, blessed, or if the bad stuff is still to come, but if this is the worse it get's from Chemo, I'm so ok with it.

I really have to also say that I believe that all my friends prayers and thoughts are really working too. I think I'm really blessed to have you all who have been thinking about me and keeping me in your prayers and wishes.

Thank you all for that.

I still am totally freaked out over the 4-5 lumbar punctures with chemo that I have coming down the road at me, and well ther still is alot that could go wrong, like a sudden and dangerous drop in my white blood cells, but so far , "just for today", I'm doing really well.

I thank you God, Shuji, Karen, my Sponsor, Rick, and everyone who has been so helpful and supportive to me via emails like Robert, Masa, Scott, CL, Emerald, Jr., Bear, and Summer.

So, for today I'm ok. I'm doing fine and NO nausea side effects as of today. I'm alittle beat, but hey, I am fine.

Thanks for staying in touch,

Brian

The night before........

2008-01-27T22:12:00.000-08:00

Well, ok, so here it is.. Sunday night.. the night before I start my chemo treatments.

I'm scared, a little depressed, and fighting the urge to worry. I know it's normal...natural... expected.
Somehow this is suppose to be a great opportunity for me to grow and get closer to my spiritual side.. and to give all of this over to God. To believe and trust that I will not be abandoned through this.

But it's just not really working tonight.

My thoughts are racing.."will I have nausea?", "will I loose weight?", "what about my white blood cell count or my immune system.. will it be ok?", " how tired will I be?", and will I be able to take all of the pills, appointments, and medicines?".
All of these thoughts and so many more race through my head, mind and stomach tonight.

Fear.. walking through fear.. it's what I've learned I can do. Since the date I got sober, tested positive, and grabbed onto my program and the principles I've learned that walking through fear is much more rewarding, freeing, and possible than avoidance, hiding, or denial is. The continued effort it takes to hide, run, and lie to yourself about what really is going on and how you feel.

I have support, I just need to ask for it, and allow it to happen. I don't do that easily. It's always so much easier for me to say "yes" automatically when someone else needs help, love, or just an ear.. but for me to receive is so so hard for me to do.
Maybe that's one of the many lessons I'm suppose to be learning in all of this too.

How will I do?, Where will I go?, How bad will it hurt?, How sick will I look? My mind keeps racing.

I know Shuji, Karen, Kelly, Karen "my sponsor", and all my friends will help. But my ego it telling me don't bother all those people and I'm going to be ashamed to have any of them see me like this.

It's funny how even in the midst of all of this.. ego still is so present.

I will just simply say, I will take tomorrow as it comes. I expect it to be a "hard-er" day, and I will try to remember that I am not walking through this alone. God is with me, and so are all my friends, and loved ones.

Please God, help me to be strong, fearless, and give me the courage to do all of what lies before me over the next 6 months.
Help me to believe in myself, to accept love and support, and to trust and remember just how lucky I truly am and that it will be alright.

Good night everyone...

Brian

Head on! Applied directly to the forehead..

2008-01-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone:

I just wanted to touch base with you all and let you know my headache/migrane is gone now finally. WOW, what a hard weekend it was. I had my lumbar puncture done on Weds, of last week and I had the worst headache/migrane I have EVER had in my entire life Wednesday until Monday.

It was so terrible I actually threw up and got so sick I was ill for 48 hours with it, "as in vomiting", because I had a reaction to the Vicodin that I took.

No one told me about the side effect of the procedure that I had on Wednesday, but after calling John, "Dr. Barron's nurse", he told me that this was actually normal and it could last up to 48 hours for most people. But not me.. grin, of course not.

Apparently, your brain has fluid it "floats" on and around and when the lumbar procedure is done they take an amount out, this in turn takes time to be replaced. So, if you sit up, stand up, sit on a chair, sit in the bathtub, look straight ahead, ANYTHING.... you get the worst pain shooting up your skull and all the way down your back..

Nice huh..

The good news is the horrible pain is now finally gone. Dr. Barron wants to do 5 more of these lumbar procedures, and if I am expected to be in that much pain, "a week's worth", once a month for 5 months in a row.. I'm gonna need some way to control the pain. I'll be talking to him about this next week.

Monday is Day 1, with my Chemo treatment. I'm nervous and alitle scared about it. I am not sure what to expect or how long it will take before the side effects hit. I am so grateful to my friends who have offered to go with me not only on Monday, but in the future as well to keep me company. It takes about 6 hours the first day, and between 4 to 5 each time after that.

One thing is for sure, it will still be One Day at a Time.

Between an Art Exhibtion, promoting gAytypical.com, working at Scudderia, creating and designing websites and doing graphic work for my current clients, promoting the Exhibtion in April, and all the other things to do, well, it will probably mean that I'll need to ask some of you for help.

But for now tonight, I'm ok, and I'm just incredibily happy that my headache is gone. I still have the bone marrow and the heart scans to hear back on and to see how they came out, so I'm alittle tense about these too.

I'm grateful to be alive, to be sober, to be loved, and have everything I need.. just for today.

Love,

Brian

A rough, but good news week..

2008-01-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

Well, so this past week has been a tough one. All good news and good results, but physically very hard.

It started with my first meeting with my new doctor, Dr. Barron. He's great. Really incredible. I love his style, his staff, and his way. I am very blessed to have such a great doctor treating me and taking care of me. Shuji and I met with him on Tuesday and I was told about my stage, and other information. It was good news but very very stressful leading up to it. I don't think I slept more than about 4 hours prior to this meeting.

I remember sitting there in his office almost frozen in time. Every word, every second seemed like it was a dream, time seemed to become slow motion, and all I could do was to sit there and not move.

While all the results were good from my CT Scan and Pet Scan, I still was frozen in fear.

Dr. Barron told me that next I would have to have a Spinal Tap and a Bone Marrow tap done, and would I be ok for it to happen the next day. I agreed and in my mind I thought, hey, why not just get all these tests done as soon as possible. The sooner they are done, the sooner I can move on.

Shuji and I left the meeting feeling "better" and yet I was fully aware that I have miles more to go before we can say all is fine.
I could tell that Shuji was feeling much more calm about everything. He took on a very relaxed and much more optimistic position and he told me that now he was "sure" that everything was going to be ok.

The next day Karen took me over to the hospital for my procedures. Dr. Barron's assistant took me into a room and told me that she was going to start an IV in me and that I would be put to sleep during the procedures. I was extremely nervous because I remembered the last time I had one of these. It hurt like hell, and I did't like it at all.

So, off to sleepy land I went via my IV and a little while later I woke up and both procedures, "the lumbar puncture and the bone marrow sample" were done. My lower back hurt like fuck, but I was ok.

The next three days would prove to be much more painful than the actual procedures.

When you get a lumbar puncture, the fluid in your spine which goes to your brain get's lowered. This in turn creates the worst headache you will ever have in your lifetime. Most people have to remain horizontal for up to a week before they can tilt their heads up without a "sharp, focus-blurring, hurts so much you yell outloud" kind of pain. I called Dr. Barron's Nurse John, who told me to take a Vicadin or two. This is what most people did, but I however would not be so lucky.

I took one on Thursday night after having been in pain all day. Shuji make Korean BBQ that evening and Karen and I and Shuji all had a nice dinner. We had all had a nice time, and almost 30 minutes after dinner and after Karen had left I got super sick, and threw up for a good 20 minutes non stop. My head impoded and exploded simultaniously. The pain was so great I nearly passed out.

I continued to throw up all night long and decided to sleep on the sofa and not to disturb Shuji so he could at least sleep some.

Friday morning I awoke, and I can truly say I have not felt so shitty in years. I was suppose to go and have the last of my tests done, but I was so nauseated that I could barely move or get out of bed. I was afraid of lying still for my heart scan and not being sure if I could do so without throwing up.

Somehow I got there, and did it and right after the scan I threw up again. It had now been about 24 hours later, and I was still throwing up. But now finally all my pre-chemo tests were complete. Thursday John called and told me that my spinal fluid had come back clean. Good news, but the headache almost made it seem insubstantial.

So, now it's Saturday and Shuji and I haven't left the house hardly at all over the past few days. We have alternated between sleeping, watching tv, and taking baths, showers, and checking our emails. I still have my headache, but today it seems to be alittle better. All I can say is that if I have to do this every month for 4 months in a row, I'll pass. I will not be able to take this kind of pain for that long of a period of time. I'd have to be bed-ridden for 4 to 5 days after each time. No way.

This week or next I should be starting my journey with Chemotherapy. I'm trying hard to not even look there. It's too big and too far into the future for me.

I'm grateful for all my tests coming back clear and good. I am very very grateful. But this headache has been so bad that it still is making it hard for me to be happy about the results. As soon as it leaves I'll be better.

So, that was my week. Rough, but good. The journey just keeps on going.. and I'm sure there will me many more days like these past ones in my future.. hopefully few.

Love,

Brian

Stage 1

2008-01-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

Here is what I wrote today before my doctor's appointment:

January 15, 2008

Well, today is the day. In a few hours from now I will know how much cancer I have, where it is located, and what treatments I can expect. I am so grateful to Shuji for going with me. I am nervous, anxious, and trying to think really positively.

It seems so weird to be here. This totally strange position of finding out you have cancer. And then taking scans and now being told what your life looks like, and what your insides are doing, and how much cancer and what stage your in with it.

It’s surreal actually. Deep down inside I think he’s gonna say stage one or two. If he doesn’t say that I’m really going to be shocked. I’m still very tense about the “rush” to see me, but I’m trying to not look at that right now.

I really hope it’s a little cancer and not any more. I will be so much more lifted if it is.

God, I know all of this is in your hands. The results are all in already, and my worrying about it will change nothing. I know you have taken good care of me in the past, and helped me to get through many things. I ask that you help me this time again too.

Please make this stage one and not super bad please God.

AA would tell me to pray for acceptance, and put it all in God’s hands. To try and say God’s will be done, not mine. But it’s so hard to do that right now.

I really really hope it’s not stage 3 or 4. It can’t be. I mean how can I have something so progressed?

I have all my questions ready for the doctor and I know what I want to ask.

Sometimes I think it’s better that I don’t use the Internet. And yet I can find information in a second about my questions, fears, and concerns. Up until now I haven’t really thought of a second opinion, but now I am thinking about it.

I just called Dr. Higgins and left a voice mail, and it just started to hit me again. I need to really prepare for this meeting today. I will call on my friends and AA members for help.

By this afternoon I will know what the results will be.

Unreal.

-------------------

Well, I'm back home now and the meeting went like this:

I picked up Shuji from work today and we both headed over to the doctors office. I was so nervous I actually almost missed a red light and then almost went to the wrong hospital. I had to turn around and then we made it over to his office in time. I had this sick empty feeling in my stomach and I was trying to stay calm. Shuji looked nervous too and did a great job of comforting me.

We were brought into Dr. Ari Barron's office and he started to tell us what was going on. He explained that my CT scan had come up clear. Good news and what a relief.

My PET Scan was also clear. No signs of any cancer spreading or moving from the area. This was good too,

One of my biggest fears that I would test up in Stage 3 or 4 was not the case.

He went on to say that he was going to treat me very aggressively and that I was in for about 9 months of hard work, and treatments.

I will have to undergo a spinal tap and a bone marrow tap tomorrow. YUCK. I hate this. I have had one before and it was extremely painful. I am quite fearful of it and just want it to be done. Karen said she would be take me and bring me back home after it is all done.

Dr. Barron wants to do these two tests just to make sure there is no cancerous cells hiding in the two places this particular type of cancer likes to hide out at, the brain and the testicules. He explained to me that there are two "sacred" zones of the body where Lymphoma is especially hard to treat.. these two spots. So, while he said I would be called Stage One right now, he said he could put an "exclamation point" on it after these two other tests came back clear.

After these two samples are taken tomorrow, I will start my course of treatment which goes like this:

Treatment 1) Every 3 weeks I will be given chemotherapy via iv and this will take 6 hours to complete. I will do this procedure 6 times. So the entire process will take 18 weeks.

Treatment 2) I will receive a chemotherapy treatment into my spinal fluid at least 4 times over a 4 month period. This is basically once a month. I will have a spinal tap each time this is done. Yuck.

Treatment 3) After all of this is done, I will be sent to a different doctor for my Radiation Therapy.

Dr. Barron said that he is treating this very aggressively, but he wants to do his best at eliminating this from me. I like him, and I trust him. He was very sharp, accurate, and concise. While Shuji and I were in his office he explained that this type of Lymphoma is very rare. So rare that 1% of all Lymphoma's are this one.

He also said that the survival rate for this type of cancer is 1 in 3. Not very encouraging, however he also said that the way the disease used to be treated is not how it is treated today, and these statistics were from the 80's. He said that I had alot of scales tipped to the right side and in my favor, and that he was encouraged about this at least.

So.. how am I now.. ?

It's 8:34pm on Tuesday night and I feel ok. Relieved at the words Stage One, yet highly aware of the changes my life and body are about to go through. I am grateful to Shuji and to everyone who has supported me so far. I am alittle scared about the chemo and well, everything.. but I have to say that just for today I'm grateful for the results of my two scans. Maybe over time I will get stronger about this whole thing, and well, become more of who I use to be i.e. my sense of humor, and antics.

Tomorrow will be a hard day, and then on Friday I will have a heart scan. I'm not sure just what that includes, but I just want to get through tomorrow.

I'm expecting to start my Chemo next week, provided my insurance pays and ok's the drug that I need before I can begin it.
Tonight I dropped off my prescription at Walgreens. We'll see.

Well, that's about it for today. I'm exausted mentally and just really need to get some rest. Shuji is here now and I'm happy that he showed up. I didn't expect him to come here tonight, but he's a welcome surprise.

Wish me good luck and strength for tomorrow at 2pm.. I'll need it and please pray that my tests come back clear.

Love,

Brian

The Only Thing Constant in Life.... Is Change

2008-01-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to Everyone!

It's been quite a month for me and I wanted to just write all of this once instead of writing it 25 times over and over for each one of you. I didn't want to have to say this story over and over, so I apologize for this mass form of communicating. Please read on, and all the way through and I hope you'll be able to then understand why I am choosing to do it this way.

So, first off, let's roll back to Thanksgiving.

This year I was able to have a really great time and experience not only a more traditional Thanksgiving with Shuji, but also a Japanese style one with his friends. All of his friends, Seiko, Shuku, Yuko, Shuji and myself were all at his home Thanksgiving Eve for a special combination of foods, flavors and fun. I was the only one there who was not Japanese, and who didn't speak Japanese, but everyone was so nice to me and so welcoming, it really made my evening special. Thank you all again for the nice time.

December started with a good mix of work, life, parties, etc. I had my Birthday/Christmas Party Dec. 15th and it was really a great time. I had great friends around me and we ate and ate till we almost all exploded. I cooked a 28 pound turkey and my famous Blue Cheese Mashed Potatoes. Thank you again everyone who came and for your gifts, company, and love.

It was right around this same time I one day realized that something didn't feel quite right within my body. I had recently had a cold, and coughed quite hard for a week or so.. and sometimes when I did, I noticed my crotch would hurt a bit. I passed it off as a pulled muscle or tendon.

I got up that next morning and still felt like there was just something wrong with my groin. By now it had been two weeks and my right testicle should be feeling fine by now. But it wasn't. It was much "harder" and while I had no pain, I was keenly aware that something was wrong. I wasn't panicked, but I was concerned.

I called Dr. Higgins on Dec. 21 and went in. After only a moments "touch" he said to me, "Ok, well, this is wake up call", "This is something we need to get checked immediately and let's set it up now".

Within an hour I was off to see Dr. Spaulding, a Oncologist/Urologist here in San Francisco.

He examined me and told me that I would need a ultra-sound and chest xray to continue onto the next steps. He did in fact find a mass and was almost instinctively sure that I had what is called a Seminoma type tumor.

Seminomas account for about 40 percent of all testicular cancer and are made up of immature germ cells. Usually, seminomas are slow growing and tend to stay localized in the testicle for long periods.

Nonseminomas are a group of cancers that sometimes occur in combination, including choriocarcinoma, embryonal carcinoma, and yolk sac tumors. Non-seminomas arise from more mature, specialized germ cells and tend to be more aggressive than seminomas.

It was off to the ultrasound I went and to get my chest x-ray. The x-ray came out clear. Good sign. It appeared as though there was nothing that had spread to my chest and lungs. The ultrasound found 3 masses. All centrally located within the testicle. At this point I was optimistic, slightly frightened, but hopeful.

Well, to make a long story short, I went home, and waited for the call.

Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after Christmas with friends all were great. I was doing ok and not letting it all get to me. Shuji knew of everything and was supportive, positive, and strong in his will to not let me slip. Karen, Shuji and I celebrated Christmas Even with a great drive around the city, looking at the lights, and the colors.

Here are just a few shots that I took that evening. Christmas Day was all about the two of us. I really loved being with him and not being alone.

The evening of the 25th, I even had a small post Christmas dinner where I broiled FIVE 2lb Prime Rib Steaks for Shuji and his friends. Shuku, Yuko, Seikol, Shuji and myself all ate and the house looked great. I was very happy about how great it all looked and the way everyone loved my food.

The next day I went in for my surgery. I felt ok, and what happened next was unlike anything I ever expected. But those of you who know me, know that NOTHING ever goes for me as it does for anyone else. This is normally a 35 minute procedure, done as an outpatient and without any major complcations.

The surgery began normally, and at the end of the procedure Dr. Spalding tied both an artery and a tube together and put a clamp on them. I appeared normal, and then the procedure was over.. right?

Not so. Somehow after he had finished the procedure, my artery broke loose and retracted up into my abdomen. I wasn't even out of the recovery room before I started screaming. I was brought back to my room where I vaguely remember waking up and being in extreme pain. I was brought back down to surgery and a 10" incision was made from above my belly button down to just above the groin.

I was bleeding internally. I had lost FIVE and a half units of blood, "roughly 3 Liters" and was in big trouble. The artery was re-clamped and the problem was stopped. However by this time I had not only lost alot of blood, but was very low in platelets. These are used to help you clot. For 20 years now I've had something called ITP. Which basically makes it hard for me to clot sometimes when my blood level is too low.

I awoke to extreme pain, one less testicle, and a huge loss of blood, hope, and faith. And there still wasn't going to be any final info on the actual tumor for days. Dr. Spaulding told me that since the holidays were here and all of this happened between them, most labs would take time.

I have been in the hospital from Dec 26 until this past Tuesday. And yes, that means I was there New Years Eve.

This has been very hard for me on many levels. For one, as you all know my past relationship was very very painful for me when after fighting a 6 month series of illnesses which was back in 2003, my partner left me. So there was that.. the painful reminder of what if this happened again. It was also terrible timing. Shuji and I had just gotten back together, things were going so well, and well, there was the Holidays, my Birthday, and the New Year.

But as God was planning, NONE of these things would make a difference in his plans for me.

So.. where does this all end?

Today I got my metal stitches out of my belly, "totally gross and Frankinstein-ish" and Dr. Spaulding told me that the results that had come in were not what he expected. While my x-ray was clear, the tests on the tumors had shown a type of lymphoma cell and while this was not what he expected, more would have to be done to decide what route is next.

Decisions about Chemotherapy, Radiation, or perhaps none of either would be now dealt with after a MRI/Cat scan.

And so now here it is... January 4th and I'm home typing this all out because I simple don't want to deal with telling all of you this one by one. I have lost about 15-20 lbs and I need rest, support, comfort, prayer, and love. I know there is a plan for why this happening. I believe and trust that that results to all tests and screening is already in and has been decided. I know in my heart that Shuji and many others love me.

So tonight, I simply just say that it's been a really hard 3 weeks, but I'm so happy to be home now and out of the hospital. My own bed, my own comforter, and my bathtub is what I really want.

My heart is hurting, my spirit broken, and my need to believe.... strong.

Pray for me everyone.
Please keep me in your thoughts and I will just take it like I have no other choice in doing.

One day at a time.

Love,

Brian

Dirtbike Riding!

2007-11-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

Wow.. well, what a day!

First off I need to say MUCH MUCH Thanks to Bear, Summer, RJ, Betto, Dave, Alana and Abby for making my day sooo great. Wow, who would have thought that at 47 I'd be gettin on a dirt bike, loading it into and out of my truck, stylin myself up in great gear, and puttin on my NEW Tech 3 boots and hittin the dirt in Metcalf, CA.

I had soo much fun, I'm totally sore right now, and I can ONLY IMAGINE what I'll feel like tomorrow morning.. LOL.. but hey, for now it's alittle pain to pay for a BIG memory.

Thanks to Abby, I took her XR100 and brought it to the trails and started out with some basic instructions from Bear and off I went. We started with the "baby" track, and well, let's just say it's not so "baby" to me.. LOL.. especially when I hit that one um, "log".. ROFL.. I managed to keep the bike up and "plow" over it, but wow..

Then we were off to the other trails. I did ok, but wow.. riding on track is TOTALLY different than the street, let me just tell you. I was trying to remember Ron's words, "elbows up, arms loose, quads around the tank, sit up front" and on and on. It's no joke ya'll. grin

I lost the bike a few times, but my favorite moment was when "after 3 very stubborn tries" I made it up the really big hill. I got to the top and yell and raised my fist in victory.. Ha.. Soooo much fun! Thank you Bear for all the encouragement! You and Betto were great supporter's.

Only one kinda ugly crash, which if I had been wearing my chest protector I would have been better with, but overall it was a great time.

Here's one of the latest pics of my "nephew" Quintin.. soooo cute in this robe.. LOL..

ahhhh and this one is soooo beautiful...

He's becoming more and more beautiful every day. What a gift from God, David and Alana!

I feel so lucky to be included in his life and in this whole event. Thank you David and Alana.

I'm really tired tonight, but want to say at this moment I am sooo grateful for my life and all the things that I have been able to experience, try, attempt, learn, test, enjoy, share, and give. All of these are blessings that would not be able to happen if it wasn't for God's will, and a fire that still burns in me even after 20 years of being positive. Errors have been made, poor decisions for sure, but tonight as I sit back and look at my life, I have been sooo blessed and am so incredibly lucky to have the people, friends, gifts and all the experiences that I've had. I have only one regret, and that's not too bad.

Shuji and I are doing really well now. Everyone deserves a second chance and well, I know I'd want one if I made a mistake... so, it's all been very good so far.

I start teaching English again this Thursday and I really look forward to this. I hope to be as helpful as I can be.

NYC was great and I loved it, but also really glad to be back home.

Oh, and one last little check in. Last week we had a 5.6 earthquake.. and well, it was the most powerful one I've ever felt.. Pretty scary. My whole apartment rocked and my 100 lb tv was even rocking.. so.. wow.. I hope they say calm again for a while.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you all are fine, in good health and spirits, and much love to you all my friends.

Brian

Fall Journey

2007-10-28T00:29:00.001-07:00

October

2007-09-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone

I hope your all well and in good health and spirits. It's been a while and as life would have it, lot's of changes have been going on. Not just for me, but for everyone I'm sure.

Let's see, where to begin.

Well, I'm off to NYC this month and I am really looking forward to it. I LOVE New York and try to go every year. The diversity and the people, the attitudes and the pace, and ALL of the things to do, places to go, things to see. I LOVE IT.

I'll be staying at my favorite hotel, the Hotel 17, in midtown, and I hope the weather is good. Fall in NYC is always great.

I'm still working alot on my design client's projects and am very grateful to be still involved in this work. I am hoping these will continue for some time. I need a break from Personal Training.

Dayve, Alana, and Quintin are all doing just fine and I had the chance to see them all this past Friday. Karen and I went over to see the whole family and to drop off our latest baby clothes. I love to buy this kid clothes. ha.. He is sooo cute. I have to say it's really an amazing thing to see just how much Dayve and Alana have both changed in just 9 short weeks. To see their confidence and level of self-assurance was really great and made me realize the miracle of having a baby and just what it does.

Karen and I went to the Fog Festival out in Pacifica today and that was nice. I seem to forget just how close the Ocean really is and how easy it is to be transported to another place mentally in as little as 20 minutes. The water was beautiful, and the hang-gliders made it all really a great day.

I've now moved all my things out of my studio, and am now waiting on my deposit back. I have to say I'm very bummed, but also really clear that I was NOT suppose to make art in that space. God took care of that one didn't he.. LOL

This should be an interesting week ahead. I have some meetings ahead of me that I'm sure will make me grow some more.

I only know that when we walk through fear, we do eventurally come out the other side. They tell me it makes me stronger when I do.. and to have faith that I can is the continued goal.

Take care and I'll talk to you guys soon,

Love,

Brian

I love this little boy

2007-09-09T02:28:00.000-07:00

Here is the most recent pic of me and Quintin. I love this picture. It makes me think about alllll kinds of ideas about having a child..

I'm in love.......

2007-08-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so lots been goin on since my last entry.. and just thought I'd get you all caught up with the new love of my life.
His name is Quintin.. and omg.. he is the most beautiful boy in the Universe!.. grin

I got to hold him and see him yesterday and will be back to changing diapers and having him burp up on me.. "god this child has gas".. tomorrow. He is truly a gift from God, and a creation of love between Dayve and Alana. I want that kid. .lol

I also went to my first Giant's game last week, and wow.. Thank You sooooo much Jeff and Kelly. I felt sooo spoiled in the box seats that really belong to a king. Spectacular views, sounds and even got to go to a game where the home team won. Sorry Jeff.. grin. I have found a new appreciation and liking for SOBA.

Much love and thanks also goes out to Glen.. Thank you SO MUCH for taking me out to Mines Road this past Monday! Two and a half years after my last accident on a bike, I really took to the roads, and felt like I was able to still do it. My confidence came back a bit and I finally have decided I am all down for the road... just not in the city.

My friend Karen even made the trip along with us and well, she get's mucho kudos for sitting on a KTM for 8 hours on her first ride.

MAMA MEALS is coming along, Girl Ambition is well on it's way and b-cards and tshirts are all in the making. Work, work, work.

Other than that.. it's NYC this fall and I still need to find somewhere to stay that's not a million dollars, but I'm doing ok.

Back to the gym last week and it feels good.. Now I just gotta stay consistant..

One last shout out to TJ .. you are all that and a bag of chips..

Here's the new pics.. enjoy!

Shuji's Birthday

2007-08-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few weeks now and I thought I'd just check in with everyone.

gAytypical.com has finally launched! I'm very happy to say it's finally all in working order and ready for the web and millions of new members I hope. Grin. I was able to find my new programmer Chris, who is great and a really nice guy to help me finally get gAytypical off the ground and going. Now I just have to promote and advertise the site. I don't want it to grow too fast otherwise I might be overwhelmed, but I'm really happy that it's all up and good now.

Quintin, my new "nephew" is all home now from the hospital and doing fine. Much love to both you guys David and Alana. I know your just beginning the most incredible journey ever. I'm here if you need me.

My English Class recently said goodbye to one of my favorite students..Sachko-san. She and her husband suddenly made the decision to return back to Yokahama.. and boy, was I sorry to see her go.. Sachko-san had an incredible sense of wonder, child-like and humor that I will for sure miss. We all said goodbye with a party at Nobiru-kai.

Happy Birthday to Shuji! Yesterday was his birthday and we started the day out with a nice breakfast at Stacks, located here by my place on Hayes St. Then it was down to Macy's for a bday gift.. but alas, no grill to his liking.. so.. later that night Shuji and myself, were joined by his friends for dinner at Boca de beppo.. here in SF. Good food, but while we were eating, a group of like 500 came in and took over the place..grin, so we went back to his house for dessert. Thank you to Yuko for that incredible cake.

Girl Ambition is almost done, and we had a good meeting today. The final logo is almost here. 5 Star is in the next phase, and Mama Meals is already at the press for business cards.. Next it's onto web sites, business cards and more work..

I've decide "this week" to sell my F4 "again" and well, this time I'm holding out for one last decision ride. I'm gonna go with my friend Glen and well, I'll make my final "final" decision. But more of less it's gonna be gone, cause I gave notice on my gargage space... so.. I think it's a done deal.

I can save 1200 dollars a year in garage rental fee's for both the Scooter and Bike so.. hey, I need to save up for that down payment.. you know..

I'm really happy with the new design work I've been creating.. even if no one else is blown away.. grin. .I'm proud of my work.
I'll be posting all of them up on my site one day.. eventually..

My neighbor and friend Karen has returned now from her annual trip to the Oregon Fair and after visiting with friends up there too. She was gone for about a month and has made this trek for years. It's a great spot in her life and it is always a good time for her. She took her new camera that I gave her and took some pics.

There's a bit of drama with my painting studio but I'll let you all in on that tomorrow after I have a meeting with the landlord.

So.. here's a few pics in the meantime. Hope your all well and I'll be checkin in with you soon...

Brian

Quintin Salvadore Black Has Arrived!!!!!!

2007-07-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

Yeahhhhhhhhhhh. David and Alana Black, welcomed their first born son into the world tonight at aproximately 5:25pm.. He is beautiful, healthy, and I am so excited and happy I could yell for joy.

God bless all of you and especially the new little man.

Life is good.

Brian

Memorial or Memorable ?

2007-05-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

One thing is for sure.. Today was a VERY memorable, Memorial Day.

I have been itching to finish my studio for the past week now and well, today started out alittle hurried, and only got well, different.. ha.

I woke up this morning and had been planning to go there to finish up organizing it, and maybe even work alittle today.

My good friend Masa, had been working on dividing the space up for me and has done AN INCREDIBLE job at putting up sheets of plywood that I bought, and the space is almost done. The only thing that was missing was a door.. so I have been looking on Craig's List over the past few days for a door, for cheap.

I happened to look on CL this morning and low and behold, I found some plywood being sold for 10 bucks.
It was two 4' x 8' sheets, new, and 1/2 inch thick, and the guy selling them was pretty close by. I called Masa and then Karen, and we were off.

The fun starts here.....

First off, NONE of us are people who function well without Coffee. We drove right past Starbucks and I said.. "stop the car".
So, after 3 coffee's , one for each of us, we were back in route. Next, "The Dollar Store" where I picked up two rolls of rope. We had to tie these sheets of plywood down with something right?

Of course this weekend I had loaned my truck out, and right behind the seat was miles of rope.. but alas, we were on our own on this one.

So, rope and coffee in tow, we were off again. We picked up the plywood, loaded it onto the roof of Karen's car, tied the things all down and then SURPRISE! I realized I had done what millions of people before me and I'm sure more over time will do as well...I had tied the rope around the doors of the car, and we now could not get into the car.. LOL!

I haven't played "breaking and entering" in a while.. so it was funny to see BOTH Masa and I, try to slide through the passenger's front window in order to get back into the car.. Once that was over, again we were off. Rookies.

Ok, so now, it can only get better right? Wrong..

As the three of us cruised down along Fulton Street back towards my new studio all seemed to be going well for a bit.. that was until Karen had well, "an unfortunate event". Ha.. It really was surreal, and yet, so funny that I thought I was gonna pee in my pants for a second there.

As we were driving along Fulton I noticed up a bit in the road was this big giant Crow... just sitting there..
He didn't seem to be all that worried about the car coming straight at him, and was quite strange looking actually. I thought for a second there I even noticed that one of his wings looked broken or injured.. but as we got closer and closer he seemed to just stand there.. defiantly and clueless at the same time.

Karen slowed down and just got closer and closer.. till finally we just seemed to "roll" over him.. LOL.. I mean I heard a "thump".. and yet there was nothing else. Had we just taken a life? Was our feathered friend ok? Where did he go?
We kept driving and seemed to notice nothing.

A dead silence fell over the car and then finally I said.."Karen.. Oh my god, You just killed that bird.. omg. I think you just hit him"..

"No.. no I didn't".. She tried to innocently plea.. "He didn't move.. I mean I just thought he was going to move, and well, he didn't. Really, It wasn't my fault"..

Well, let's just say if a jury of her peers had their way.. our little Miss Innocent would be wearing one of those funny orange suits. hahahahahaha

Now I was sitting in the front seat.. and I KNOW what I saw.. She did it! She tried to kill him! I just know it! LOL

So all the way back we all joked, yelled, screamed and wondered what if this "Karen-san a.k.a. "Crow Killer" was really at fault. Were we riding in this car with a "Murderer"? LOL

Well, so finally we get to the studio only to see that today was none other than "Carnival" here in SF. Great.. now we had a million people, floats, and feathers to avoid. Masa and I were able to pretty easily get the wood and other goods unloaded and it was this point I said finally, "I give up".. I guess it just was not suppose to happen today.

So after breakfast at Denny's, "because there was not only an event in the Mission, but also one now in our own neighborhood", I finally surrendered. Ha. So it was breakfast time and then back home. We dropped Masa off, and went back home.. full, and well, "sort of happy".

Hayes Valley is undoubtedly a great area and place to live, but it has become infested with "fabulous" yuppies, WAY over priced restaurants, and "designers" for every kind of product imagineable. All of them dressed alike, yacking on and on about "My New Collection, It's All Organic, One of a Kind, and Original Art". None of which was true for almost anything there. We strolled the park and surrounding area and finally both Karen and I found our own "treasure du jour".

We wrapped up the day with some Chicago Style Pizza and all in all it was an OK day. Tomorrow Masa and I will finish up the final work and I will finally be ready to start painting.

I have to say that finding this space and to FINALLY have a space to call my own, where I can create art is a lifelong dream come true for me. I am so grateful! I'm not sure what it will bring, but I am totally thrilled with the work Masa has done, the amount of space I have, and excited over the possibilities.

Here are some pictures of my new space:

So, that was my memorable Memorial Day. In the end it still was a good day that I will not forget soon. Take care everyone.

Brian

Okonomiyaki!

2007-05-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

It's been alittle while since I checked in and I just wanted to tell everyone about some really exciting new things going on for me.

First off this past Sunday Shuji and I had some of my English Class Students and their families over to my apartment. We had some really great food, fruit, wine, sake, and watched my DVD that I made from our trip to Japan. It was really fun to share the memories with them, and to meet their children.

I helped, "not much" Shuji make Okonomiyaki, and also we ate strawberries, blackberries, mochi for dessert, and of course some really great Sake, "none for me" from True Sake here in Hayes Valley.

We all had a great time.

Also, I have some really really really exciting news!!!! After living here in San Francisco for over 17 years now, I have FINALLY secured a new Art Studio !!!!!! One that I actually can afford. It's located in the Mission, and it's very nicely huge! The exactly size I'm not sure of, but it's two rooms. One that is about 18'x 12' and another about 10'x12'. The building is open to me 24/7 and is secured. I have hired my friend Masa to build some walls around the first area, and it should be done this weekend. He's done a GREAT job and I am very excited to start painting again FINALLY.

I have contacted the great people at Visual Aid and they are going to help me with supplies and I met Julie Blankenship this past week. She was wonderful, and very giving. We both discovered that I have been a member there for 15 years. I am truly looking forward to reconnecting with Visual Aid and with other Artist's both there, and in my new building.

I'll be putting up some images of my new space this weekend.

I'm so happy about this and I feel so blessed to be healthy, partnered, spiritually developing, sober, grateful, focused on the positive things in life, surrounded with great friends, and now to be able to make one of my passions come alive again... Painting.

So, enjoy these newest pics, and I'll be posting my studio pics this weekend..

Love to you for now..

Brian

Cherry Blossom in SF

2007-04-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I seem to slowly be getting back into the swing of things here now that it's been about a week since I got back. I'm pretty tired, but the jet lag should be gone soon I hope. This past weekend was very busy with the Open House at Scudderia, and then the Cherry Blossom Festival here in SF, and my participation with Nobiru-kai, our guest dance group and other events.

I think I've had 5 to 6 hours of sleep every night since I've gotten back, so I'm dead.

I've also gotten my photos up from our trip to Japan, and while there is alot of them, I'm happy to share them with all of you.
You can see them at: http://www.brianwickersham.com/japan07/index.htm

There's alot.. so be ready to look at them for a while.. grin

I will only say that right now I'm really going through alot with regards to positive thinking, people, and choices.
I'm really making some serious choices around keeping these concepts in my life and around me. It's not easy, but I have learned from Shuji just how important it is, not only to me, but to us to do this...

More on this later.

Ok, well, enjoy the pics, and my blog..

Take care,

Brian

It's progress, not perfection

2006-12-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

Today has been a really painful day for me. Last night I made a series of choices and decisions that were not who or what I want to be in my life. And so today I've had to live with the consequences. It has been very painful, revealing, and discouraging. It's funny how we think we should be at a specific place in our lives, and yet God seems to have different ideas.

Last night I saw that I really have a long way to go to become that man who I want to be. My patience, compassion, control, and temper all are in need of yet much more work. I would never want to be the person who I was last night. I know this way of living and thinking does not work, for it's only when I let go, and let you God do it all for me and just simply stand by and do your will and try day to day to accept what you bring to me in my life.. this is when I am at peace the most.

Each day is a chance to grow, learn and do better than the day before so I must go on and try to be better than was the day's prior. To depend and listen to God's wishes should be my first priority. Afterwards, it's my program, and then life.

I don't know when or if I will get there, but I do know that I must now live in the solution and stop beating myself up with the past.

I know if I go to you, put these fears in your hands, and then let go.. I will be ok.. I must believe this.

So what's wrong with a Scooter?

2006-11-21T22:12:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

Well, I thought I'd check in just let you guys know what's been going on lately since I haven't checked in for a while.

I got a new "ride" today and am very happy about it. I bought a new Scooter from work: http://www.scuderiawest.com and thanks to Don I was able to buy it, "painfree".

It's a really cute little thing, with a bit of a zip.. it's a 125cc Kymco Scooter and wow.. I really love it. It's so great to be able to zip around now and be at a place within minutes, instead of driving my truck all over.

I even scored with a parking spot, but I'm not sure it that's gonna work out so well yet. I'll let you know if Sam's spot works. But in the mean time I'm soooo happy with it. I love the freedom I feel on it, and the best part is that it's sooo easy to park, insure, and fill with gas.

I almost fell over when I called my insurance agent today and well, she told me that it was 100 dollars a year for coverage. LOL.. unreal.

The funny thing is how snobbish other people are when they find out I bought a Scooter versus a Motorcycle. "A Scooter?" they say.. ha.. well, it's fine, I mean, like I care.. but I am sure glad I was never like that..

Sure, Scooters are not as expensive, flashy, pricey, cost more to insure, need more maintenance, require much more expensive plastic to replace, take more gas, and are more "poser" friendly.. but hell, I've had tons of them and well, why not buy something super practical, cheap, fun, and wayyyyy usefull for the city, ESPECIALLY if I can get it for a great price.

I think it's great actually.. so hey, it's good enough for me.

My plan is to actually get Shuji to enjoy it and then hopefully he will be able to enjoy it too.

So.. here's a picture of my new "ride".. grin..

So..for now.. I'm a "Scooter-head" and damn proud of it Thank you!

Other than this life is pretty much going well. I finally paid off the flood damage bill, got all my pics up from Spain onto the web, had a small "Spain" party and am back now at training, teaching English, and working at the bike shop.

Shuji and I are well... "learning" as we go along and each day "English" can be a real challenging and funny thing for both of us.. but he's a great gift and has been an amazing blessing for me in many ways.

Thursday will be "Turkey Day", and we both are looking forward to sharing it together. Lamb chops are on the menu, and well, it will be nice to finally have someone to share the holidays with.

Well, that's it for me for now.. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving and I'll be back to check in with you all again soon..

Take care,

Brian

Beautiful Spain

2006-10-30T20:49:00.000-08:00

Hello all of you,

I am back now from my trip to Spain and what a beautiful and interesting country it is. I arrived back home on October 26th and had a great time. I was gone for one month.

My first stop was Barcelona. Home to Raquel and Nuria, my two new friends in BCN.

Once again, Thank You both so much for your generosity, friendship, and sharing of your home with me. You both are great and I feel very lucky to have met you. I stayed in Barcelona for about 5 days and then I was off to Bilbao.

Bilbao was totally different than Barcelona for me. I felt the people were much more friendly and warmer than in BCN. Perhaps this is because it's smaller, and is part of the whole "Basque" culture.

My first stop was of course, "The Guggenheim". I absolutely love this building by Frank Gehry and was even more blown away when I saw it. It's so incredible! The shapes, the size of the building, the material it's made out of.. Wow, it was more than I had dreamed it would be. You can see it and all learn all about Frank Gehry at:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_gehry

A truly impressive set of pieces are in the museums Permanent Collection and are done by Richard Serra. The shear size and weight of these pieces will blow you away. Make sure you walk in and around them all. You can read all about them at:

http://www.guggenheim-bilbao.es/idioma.htm

I only stayed in Bilbao for about two days but it is really a cool city where the people are friendly, the city is very interesting and there is a very different "feel" to it from any other place I went in Spain. I would definitely go back.

Next I was off to Madrid. Capital of Spain and home to some of the most beautiful gardens, public parks, and buildings I have ever seen. The people were great, and where I met my new friend Israel. He was kind, fun, supportive, generous and very thoughtful in showing me some of Madrid's best sites and food. Thank you again Israel.

I found Madrid to be much more friendly, more approachable, and filled with more.. well, "cultured" people than the other two cities. I met many Australians and the number of people speaking English was huge.

I really liked Madrid alot and it's where I learned alot about what the city of Madrid has to offer it's residents with regards to public health, marriage options, and supportive programs. I was impressed.

Next, it was off to Granada.

Wow, well, all I can say is BEEEEEAUTIFUL!

For anyone who has been there the obvious is the Alhambra, the Generalife, and the incredible nature surrounding it all. Granada has two basic areas: The lower main part of the city, and then the Alhambra.

St. Nickolas Vista point is a must see on a clear night, as well as buying a beautiful "Marquetry" item while you are there. The gardens, Palace, and Arabic influence is overwhelming in all of it's detail and shear size.

After a few days there I was off to my last destination: Seville. And again, just more and more beauty than the last stop. I stayed at a nice hotel where I was able to see The Alcazar, The Basilica, and even a traditional Flamenco performance.

I have never seen anyone move their feet like that.. Amazing.

When you visit Seville make sure you do not miss "Plaza de Espana". It is too beautiful for words and it will take you hours to walk all around it and the "Musee de Costumes Popularies". Make sure you bring your camera.

http://www.travelinginspain.com/sevilla/espana.htm

All in all I would say that Spain is a very interesting country. One where tourism has taken a toll, but where still some of the most beautiful people, gardens, architecture, food, and culture can still be found. It was not as cheap as I had hoped for "I spent less in Japan than in Spain", but it was a beautiful and eye opening experience still.

I will be also posting them at my other photo site, "Printroom.com", and this is where you can purchase a print or blow one up larger if you find one you really love.

I'm happy to be home, but will not forget Spain soon.

Hope you enjoy the photos, and I hope your all well.

Brian

2006-10-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

Well, hi everyone...

It's been a couple of crazy weeks in the Life of Brian as usual, but now it seems like things are returning back to normal. I leave for Spain tonight, and I'll be really looking forward to all my travels.

My apartment is all back in order now and well, the new tv looks great, is great, and I'm so happy that I got it. I also bought a new desk at IKEA, a new chest of drawers, and two new nightstands. I backed up all my old stuff and now when I get back home, I'll buy a new Mac.

My time at work, vollunteering, and helping at the bike shop has all been great, and I really enjoyed going to IKEA with my great friend Gloria a couple of weeks ago. She is one of the most beautiful people inside that I have met. I am so happy to be her friend. She doesn't realize how much I gain from her, in comparison to what I do for/with her. I love you Gloria, I really do.

Massa and Miwa FINALLY have an internet connection and all it took was 3 months.. long story, but don't buy DSL from ATT is all I can say. And, Thank You again for the other night with all my great new sushi experiences, and your gift from Canada. I had such a great time.

I'm very very blessed to have all these people in my life.

Here are some new pics of what my place looks like now.. since the flood.

So, I guess that's about it for now. I'll be posting all my pictures when I get back.
Take care all of you, Brian