Since August a lot has been goin on!

Well, it's been quite a while since I last checked in with you all and of course many things have been going on since August of last year.. I can't believe it's been that long since I last posted here on my blog.

So of course the last big "drama" that I had prior to this posting was my car crash with Karen and well, while both her car and our friendship did not, I have recovered from that.

In October of last year I was blessed to make a lifelong dream come true for myself and Shuji and we both traveled to Australia. It was spectacular. While there, our friend Glenn met up with us at Darling Harbor one night with his good friend Joyce. While we where there we visited Sydney, Melborne, and Cairns.

It had always been a dream of mine to go diving/swimming/snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef. And now I can say that I have... I rented a 14 megapixel camera housed in a waterproof case and well, the pictures were great!

We both fell madly in love with the country and if I could I would now move there and live there forever. However, after a brief attempt to pursue a green card, it's apparently not meant to be.

It was however a beautiful trip, a beautiful country, and the people were fantastic. I would go back tomorrow if I could. Mark that one off the list.

January of this year marked 3 years out for me from having been diagnosed with Cancer.

However while going in for my last of the "6 month" scans, my doctors spotted a mass near my pelvis.

Of course I just knew immediately that it was Cancer and of course it had come back. I think everyone did. So, in February I went in for surgery, "again" for those of you counting that makes 5 of them in 4 years.

On February 16 my doctor came crashing in to my room at 6:30 am and he was bouncing off the walls.. "It's not Cancer Brian!" he was yelling with a smile from ear to ear.

I'm not sure if it was because it was so early and I just wasn't awake, or if I was just in a state of total shock, but I didn't react. I mean, at one point he even said to me, "Brian, aren't you happy?", but I just was like.. "are you sure", "are you sure you don't want to run the test again just to be positive?".

But little by little I have now come to see that it was in fact not Cancer, but a tumor that was removed, but along with it 9" of my colon. All of this translates to Diverticulitis.

I had been having no pain, and no problem eating but hey, who knows what all goes on in our bodies.

So, FINALLY I had a surgery go well and all the post surgery, recovery went fine. It only took 5 previous ones that almost killed me to finally get me this one.

Since this last operation I redesigned my own personal website, put up another one for Shuji and his model collection, had some pretty big breakthroughs with Shuji and myself, and of course there was the horrible earthquake in Japan, and his trip back home.

I'm also finally trying to set down and write my book/books. Between all of that, of course there still is work, and my attempt to make art.

There just never is enough time.

I still feel pressure all the time to get organized, and dream of being one of those people who can do like 5 things at once.. and still get to the gym, eat well, and get 8 hours of sleep, but hey, it doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon.

I've thrown a few pics of for you guys to check out and well, just to get you caught up with me and my life.

I hope your all doing well and that good health, love, and happiness is in all of your lives.

Till we meet again,

B

August, 2010

There's a saying that goes something like this.. "If you want to hear God laugh.. make plans".

And as I get older, live longer, and learn more and more I see that I really know very little. While I'm a miracle and pretty impressive in some ways.. I'm absolutely not perfect, still have lots to work on, and have much more to learn about life and living.

The past few months have been well.. hard. I'm not sure why things have been more challenging than usual but it's been a series of tests for me and all I can say is that I've been trying my best to get through them all.

One of the great things about change and challenge is that unless your dead or completely shut down you have to come out of it having learned something. Whether it's something about yourself that you still have work to do on, or maybe it's something that you didn't believe you'd ever make it through.. and when you do.. you see you have more strength that you thought ever possible.

The whole point is that we learn. And that we are "teachable". To learn, to see, and to understand.. these are the real gifts along the way.

My life has had some pretty big changes as of lately. I'll try my best to get them all down here...

First off of course is health. I'm doing ok, and for today all is ok. I try to remind myself I'm not in a hospital bed, hooked up to Chemo or an IV. I can see, feel, and hear along with having all of my fingers and toes. I try to start with that as a foundation for gratitude and then try and build from there.

Still, I've been struggling with my meds, taking them as well as replacing the one that I recently found out was no longer going to be covered by my insurance. That was a month ago. And so now my depression has come back... big time.

Should I be ashamed of this? Of having to take pills to stay alive or stay positive? I guess it depends on who you ask. Judgment is a funny thing. But at the end of the day, I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks because this is MY life and no one else’s.

I hope tonight will be the last night I go without it. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get back on it.

Tomorrow I also will see my Oncologist Dr. Baron again. It's my 6 month check up again which will be followed up by another set of scans and all the anxiety that they bring.
I'm certain this time they are going to find something because I've been having some pain in my lower ab's above where I had my surgery. Plus I've had intermediate bleeding in my stools over the past few months.

So now before you go saying "Well, why in the hell didn't he go to the doctor and get it checked out".. I will tell you I did try. But my doc seems to think it's internal hemorrhoids or me needing more fiber in my diet. She told me to eat more salad, fiber, etc.. and well it did go away for a while.

But this time I really feel like something’s wrong. I just feel like it's going to be my luck. Again.

Uni has been growing and doing fine. She turned one in June and is now 64 lbs. She is vibrant, beautiful, stoic, a good dog and really beautiful to watch and look at. Oh, and she is totally and completely ball obsessed. No matter what day of the week it is, we can pretty much be found playing throw and catch at Octavia Park.

Having a dog has been a really interesting journey. From learning how to have a puppy, to potty training, to disciplining, to watching her learn how to interact with other dogs. It's all been a big journey for both Shuji and I.

In June we celebrated our 5th Anniversary together. John Legend sings a song called "Ordinary People" in which the lyrics say

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I

And when I look at how much we both have gone through with each other over the past 5 years, and how much we both have learned to change, I see a pretty amazing man, a pretty damn good relationship, and a whole new set of lessons which continue to teach me about expectations, patience, and communication.

Is it easy, oh hell no. Do we fight.. sure. Do I wish I could string him up and use him as a Shuji piñata on certain days.. oh hell yeah.. alllll the time. Ha.

Yet after 5 years, I still look at him sometimes and my heart fills up with love for him, respect for him, and an absolute certainty that he is the one. My soul mate, my best friend, and the only one for me.





Work has totally changed too. About two months ago after having not worked full time in many years, I returned to it and came face to face with all of my insecurities, fears, and doubts. It's been pretty hard. But it's now finally getting better. I see clearly just how insecure I am and just how many issues I still have to work on.

NO ONE is as hard on me as I am and I definitely have alot more work ahead of me to hopefully one day overcome these feelings and behaviors.

But things are now better and I FINALLY feel like I have a handle on Lightspeed, the processes, systems, and responsibilities that I now have. But it's been a hard couple of months for sure. I've have to face my insecurities around my age, my memory, my ability to multi-task, my own ego, and finally facing and dealing with mistakes and constructive criticism.

A few months ago Liam and Leslie left San Francisco to head back to where Liam really belongs.. and that is New Orleans. They hosted a "going away" party for their friends and co-workers, and we both went.

While I ultimately only want them both to be happy, I have to say that was a really hard one to let go of. I absolutely LOVED working with Liam, and he is one of the funniest, and similar people I know to myself. Leslie.. I will NEVER forget our "loud" but fun time and talk in my old ass Toyota truck the time we went dirt bike riding. I miss you both so much!




Some people say I am talented but I'll tell you one thing, Carpentry has NEVER been one of my forte's. Masa on the other hand is incredible at it.

So a few months back I said to Masa "God, I wish I could afford one of those antique Tansu chest's that are from Japan and are like 200 years old". The ones I had been looking at were around a thousand dollars more or less.

Masa replied, "I can make one of those". LOL, well, and so let me tell you all the results are AMAZING! This guy can do ANYTHING I think now.

Below is the drawing I did of what I wanted and then below that is the final piece made out of PLYWOOD! I mean I can't tell you how not only beautiful it looks with the color of stain I picked, but the quality of how he made it is INCREDIBLE.

Now I finally have that one piece of furniture that I've always wanted and I even have it now from someone who I love and consider my "brother". What a gift!





Almost three months ago now I bought what has been one of my "dream" motorcycles. It's a 1998 Honda VFR. I got a great deal on it, it's really nice, and I'm happy that I bought it. I'm still working on the part where I get Shuji to ride on it and we take a "longer" trip, but hey, it's bound to happen if it EVER gets above 50 around here. Here it is before I swapped out the Corbin seat for the stock, and added luggage, frame sliders, a new "louder" horn, a new brighter headlight, new tires, and heated hand grips. OH yeah baby.. I FINALLY have a bike with heated hand grips! Whoo hoo!



I think really the only last few things I want to say or talk about are..

1. I totally miss you Kelly, Jeff, and Isabelle and we both really want to see you all soon and have you finally meet Uni!
2. Ripley, Aaron, and Sara we owe you all a dinner and some "Ripley" time.
3. I miss Quintin and wish I could see him.
4. Went in today and it's been decided that I am going to have to have a colonoscopy next week to address and check out something that is going on.
5. I finally surrendered my dream of my NPO. At least it's not suppose to happen right now.
6. We're going to Australia in October and I can't F'ing wait to FINALLY get a damm break from it all.
7. My new "back porch" studio is fully completed and now I just gotta PAINT!!
8. I really want to go dirt bike riding!
9. I finally got a new sponsor! Thank you Billy
10. The past 6 months have been really hard regarding my teeth, my dentist, insurance, and my new crown. And oh yeah, get ready for my new Video Blog to be launched soon enough.

Ok so that's it for now folks. It's been so long since I did this that "whew", I didn't know this blog would take so long. As always I hope all of you are well, healthy, positive, and are being blessed with all of what you deserve and desire.

All my love to you my friends,

Brian

Uni, Me, Art, and Life......

Sigh..... Well, that a night that was last night...

So, First off let's talk about Uni.. The world's most beautiful and perfect puppy.. "which everyone say's about their dog right?". About a month ago, I noticed Uni's right eye has a lot of "shall we say, "eye buggers" in it. We were wiping it and wiping it all the time. Now part of this is because you got two queens who want their puppy to be beautiful alllllll the time. Ha.

But also because it just seemed like her eyes had alot of discharge. So, about a month ago we took her to Mission Pet Hospital and they did a skin scrap, which came back negative for Mange. They also gave us some anti-biotics for her because they thought she might have a bacterial infection in her eye.

Last week while at the park, we ran into this guy who seems really nice and has this dog named Rocky. He looked at Uni and say's, "Look's like you got some mange goin on there little girl". He and I spoke and talked about her and he pointed out the spots where her fur had started to fall out.

Monday I took her back in and well, another scrap and low and behold.. Mange. Gross.

Now, of course this wouldn't be as easy as just mange. There is something like 4 different kinds of mange. Some transferable to humans, some not, some gross, some not.

Uni has this thing called Demodectic Mange. Apparently this is normal for puppies, but it's also nothing to mess around with. It can be a big deal, or a hassle. The treatment ranges from a couple of drops as a treatment, to years of "dips". Grrrrrrrr

If your REALLLLLLLY that interested in it.. you can google it.

So, last night we came home from dinner only to find my puppy on the bed with her right eye completely closed, all swollen, and totally gross. She seems ok, but it looked terrible and painful.

After I talked to Amy's friend, we were off to the Animal Hospital...on the one hand I'm really glad we went. On the other, I wish we had never had never gone.

I've never actually been to an animal hospital before. Neither had Shuji. It was really horrible.

Now as pet owners we've had to learn alot of things. How to make your dog stop peeing, how to get them to stop jumping up at people, and how to make them come back to you when you call their name just to name a few.

But neither one of us have had a puppy before and never experienced the whole process of falling deeper and deeper in love with your dog over time.

So there we are taking a taxi to the pet hospital and we get there and are the only ones.

We sign in, and they say we will be with you in a moment.

Shuji and I take a seat and within a minute or two this couple comes in and their little dog is all but limp. Turns out he has some how become poisoned. This case is more critical than ours, so they go ahead.

Then a girl come is in. Her little rat dog has eaten "rat poison" ? Now I'm not sure how that happens, but in the end they make the dog throw up and he's fine.

But the worse moment of my night and well a "never before horrible moment" happens next.

Suddenly this man comes in with a little white dog, like a bijan. He's holding it in a blanket and say's.. "My dog was just hit by an car"... He's upset but not completely freaking out.

Then the staff member behind the hospital picks up the dog from him and say's.. "I'm sorry it's too late, she's gone". He puts his hand on his head and say's. "Oh no, oh god no"...

Then suddenly his wife and little girl come running through the front door. Both are dressed in their pajamas, and nightcoats.

He tells them about their dog and the whole family breaks down in front of us and the whole waiting room. They are ushered into the back to say their goodbyes.

So for the next half hour we have to sit there listening to the little girl crying and saying, "No, no , why, why".. and the whole family breaking down.

It was beyond terrible. I had to leave the building. Shuji stayed, but he was truly affected by it too.

Finally after all of these other cases, which truly were more immediate than ours, we were seen.

Turns out that Uni's mange is a problem. It needs to be treated, and she needed eye drops, some benadryl and well, a "cone" for her head. She is soooooo not liking it, but hey, it's only for two days. I think we can do it.

All of this needless to say was very intense. It pushed every button I have and have now also added to my list of things that make me nuts.

Shuji's m.o. of course is to turn robotic and just shut off and say, "I'm ok". Shaking my head..ha.

But I on the other hand really got pushed by it. The fact that I haven't been to a meeting in like two weeks didn't help.

So for now, it's all about coming down, taking it a day at a time, and just waiting for her new medicine to come.


Me


In the past few weeks it seems like my mind just has NOT shut off.

Cancer, money, my job, the dog, work, medical insurance, lawyers, betrayals, people and just how fucked up they are, my body, going back to the gym, my legs and knee's, my face, my pills.. god the list goes on and on and on.

While I that I can not control 99 percent of these, I still need to carry on and live.

I just feel like I keep aging and aging over all of this. The stress, worry, wonder, and future tripping is really taking my energy out of me.

Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW it could be worse.. and that I'm actually really blessed to have what I have for right now.

Still, my mind just doesn't seem to shut off.

I guess the solution just lies in more meetings, a new sponsor, prayer, and just taking it slow.


Art

If there's any light in this whole blog thus far.. grin, it's that about two weeks ago, I "think" I finally broke through my what "10 year?", artist's block.

I put together a small, and I mean "really microscopically small" area in the back of our apartment on our porch as my new painting space. I hate it, but I'm trying to deal with it and accept that for now this all of the space I can have to work in.

It's forced me to now work smaller than I have in years.. if not ever and it's made me have to really focus on what I'm doing right in front of me, instead of being distracted by all of what is going on around me.

I'm not used to working 20"x30" but so far it's been pretty good. I've now gotten 6 new pieces out in two weeks and I think now the hard part will continuing with it and not stalling out.

I've put a few up here for you all to see, plus they are also on my Facebook page too.






I'm looking forward to my new easel and I hope that makes things alittle better too.

Next stop, Visual Aid's art bank and another grant application!


Life

As the old saying goes, "The only thing constant in Life.. is change".

I use to say that I've now learned the difference between a crisis and an event. However lately, it's been a little harder for me to divide the two. The mind get's going, the negative and worry some thoughts start rolling and well, it's off and running time for me.

I keep trying to tell myself, your life is great, you have so much to be grateful for, it could be soooo much worse and all of the other things we tell ourselves in an attempt to keep things in perspective and to be humble and well balanced.

But let's face it folks.. the last three years have basically sucked for me.

And now I'm at the point where I feel I'm just being worn down by it. Both physically and mentally I'm tired. Tired of the nonstop, non-ending drama and stress.

But what can you do.. I mean really? Nothing.. One of the first things that you learn when you come to AA is the concept of Powerlessness. And this my friends is still harder than hell to accept for me at times.

I can not control people, places or things. I can not control my health, my body, my future. And I certainly can not control life or the way it goes. I have to just deal with it just like everyone else does.

So at the end of the day.. it's just life.. and then you die.

LOL

till next time,

B

February 2010

Things have been weird. I don't know.. just weird. Hard, frustrating, and change seems to be always happening to me.

Two weeks ago now I had my knee surgery. All went well except I got totally sick from the anesthesia and had to spend 24 hours in the hospital vomiting which was really not fun.

It's pretty amazing actually. I mean I went in and from the time they put me to sleep until the time I woke up it was 20 minutes. Really. I mean they can fix your knee that fast and at an very affordable cost of only 8 thousand dollars.. wow.. such a deal! Who says we need national health care. Ha,please.. Health care for the rich only!!! and plus, I got a movie of the whole procedure..whoopee!

Um, yeah, ok, anyways so it's been a bit frustrating but overall I can tell already two weeks out that it's better that it was. I know it will take a while before I can go dirt bike riding and do steps and workout like I was doing before, but I know it will heal. God knows little by little this ole body of mine is falling apart.

I've been mostly struggling with feelings over all of the health and physical stuff that have pursued me over the past 3 years. It's really hard for me to not feel like I'm being picked on, overly tested, and just down right cursed with bad luck. It's really hard to not take it personally, and to then just feel sorry for myself.

I have to make a REAL effort to keep it all in balance and perspective. I keep revisiting images of Haiti in order to do that and I keep also trying to remind myself of all of the great things I do have.

Cancer, Chemo, Radiation, Multiple surgeries, surgeries gone bad, friendships lost, money and trust lost, car accidents, changes at work and financially, and now another surgery this time for my knee because of Karen's car accident and finally this past week a bad experience at the Dentist, a new "temporary" crown and a $680.00 bill AFTER my so called insurance.

I just feel like a really need and DEFINITELY DESERVE a fuckin break. But apparently God seems to think not yet since even as recently as last night my key broke off in my luggage lock after Shuji and I had just had a wonderful relaxing night out and dinner. I returned to my bike to find that the Givi key was broke and there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY to open these frickin boxes without one.

So there we were totally away from home and I had to illegally ride down Market St. with no helmet or gloves on, praying that a cop would not see me along the way. I felt sooooo exposed and vulnerable. Yikes!

And so the "tests" just keep on a comin. I feel like I just can't seem to catch a break. I can't help but ask, "Why does this shit ALWAYS happen to me?".

One thing that I am excited about is that I've now applied and am enrolled in a course for me to get my Real Estate License.

For years people have always said to me, "Brian, you are so good at selling and you really like working with people, you love architecture and design, why don't you sell real estate?". So now I've decided I am gonna give it a try. The market is bad, but I still want to try this, now while things are slow, hopefully only to really know my shit when it comes back.. provided I live that long.. "rolling my eyes".

It's definitely time for me to make some changes since it's been shown to me that some things are not going to change. And as I've learned over the years, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over.. and expecting different results". And I'm done with that. No more ignoring facts, and no more ignoring my instincts.

I mean this might FINALLY make me the narrower and more rigid person I've always tried to NOT be, but hey, I'm done with just freely giving people the benefit of my doubts and just freely trusting them.

I guess it's high time I do this since over the past year I've had MANY examples of when I did this and got burned or taken advantage of.

Another thing on my mind is just how big of a part Uni continues to become of my life. She is still learning, testing, and experiencing her young life and is a joy to have. We finally decided that we must have a dog walker and tried out this guy, but again.. I didn't listen to my instincts and now have to find a new one. Again, lesson learned.

So I guess at the end of the day, the whole point is "PAY ATTENTION".

Pay attention to your instincts, the signs you receive, and the thoughts that cross your mind about your choices, life, and surroundings and then OBEY them.

I guess it's just like they say, "The only thing that is constant in life... .is change".

Here's hoping that your all doing ok and rolling with what your life is "changing" on you.

Love,

Brian

2010 A New Year Begins

So far most of the people I've spoken to have said that they were not only really happy to get to the end of 2009, but that they were also now really disappointed at the way 2010 is has been starting out for them.

Surely seeing an entire country being leveled, hundreds of thousands of people buried alive or killed in the wake of a 7.0 earthquake, only to survive in total chaos and poverty didn't help my determination to be more positive and focused on the "good" rather than the bad.

The seemingly unending images from Haiti have brought me to tears more times in the past two weeks than I can count. Sure we have telethons, donations, millions of dollars, and support and supplies headed there, but the disorganization, looting, and delays will cost even more their lives and chance for survival.

I try to think about all of these things when I find myself heading into the negative and "less than grateful" side of my thinking.

Instead, all I have to do is look at my partner. Who with his patience, wisdom, humor, and understanding of just how sensitive and emotional of a person I can be at times makes it all seem possible for me to get through.. without becoming sad, angry, bitter and overwhelmed with the negative...all because I have him.

In the past few weeks I've had a number of situations that really tested my thoughts and beliefs in people, trust, and friendships. Relationships that I thought were stable, secure, and honest, have now proved to be not.

I've also learned that because of my recent auto accident, I now will be required to have knee surgery on February 10th. The Orthopedic doctor, "my second opinion" did many more test, MRI's and X-rays only to find that I have a post medial tear in my meniscus.

Unfortunately, this will not be going away by itself, and is not treatable with massage, vitamins, or even physical therapy. I've been told it will only get worse over time without this surgery.

Additionally, my right foot since I have been compensating with, is now extremely sore and barely able to be stood upon. My heal has a fracture which was never treated and now may need to be treated as well.

In April I will be going in for my next post Cancer scans and I'm already nervous about that too.

And if all of that wasn't enough, I broke a tooth a week or two back and will need it to be crowned or pulled. And my hours at work have now been cut and my recovery time after the knee surgery will be obviously affecting how long I will be away from work.

More bills, less money, more time at doctors, and more bills from medical visits. And the usual bills and costs just keep coming too.

It's really enough to get you down, make you feel overwhelmed by it all, and to feel like your not only constantly in a war with the country, the economy, but life itself.

The truth is I know I am NOT alone in this, and that I have much much more than many others and much to be still grateful for. All I have to do is turn on the television and watch those scenes of Haiti and instantly it's all brought into perspective.

The next few months will prove to be challenging I'm sure. There will be changes and periods that I'm sure will test my belief in a "Higher Power" and it's care and protection of me and my life.

Right now what I'm really focusing in on is "One Day at a Time". Keeping it simple, focusing on the positive, and doing what I need to do for myself to stay calm, sane, and focused on the solutions.. not the problems.

Each day I wake up, I will try to remember how bad it could be.. and how blessed and lucky I am just to be alive, to be "just for today" Cancer free, to have a home, food in my refrigerator, and the pills and medicines that I need here.

To be thankful for my friends and their support and true care for me and my well being.

And lastly but not least, for Shuji. For without him, I could not do this.

My humor and outside appearance often mask my true insides. The self who is often depressed over all of this, and also is at times just as insecure, unsure, and overwhelmed by it all... just like all of you would be.

2010 has just begun, and as we all know, much can happen in eleven months. I'll just try and take it one day at a time.. and see just where this new year and it's journey takes me.

Here are some images that show how the year wrapped up for me, and some happy memories to look back and reflect upon.

Love,

B

Happy New Year to you all

Tomorrow at this time the New Year will be minutes away and we'll be preparing to bring in 2010.

Each year brings me more to learn, more to live through, and more experiences to explore and grow from. The lessons continue, the goals are still sought after, and my mind teaches me over and over what I want in life, what really matters and just what to expect from people, myself and the universe.

I've said this many times before but one of the greatest things about growing older I have found for me, is the knowledge of the difference between a crisis and an event. Things seem to matter a whole lot less, while still others matter more. You learn what are the "little things" and that everything can be just that if you think the right way.

You care a whole lot less about your waistline and much more about your "lifeline". The people around you, the support, love, and care you get from the ones closest to you, whom you can trust, and how far you would have to reach if you ever needed help.

Gratitude has become the daily stepping off point from which I try to build my day around.

I have a loving partner who while not perfect in every way, is perfect in all the ways that I need the most, and which I can fully depend and trust on when times get really tough to be there for me and who will not abandon me.

A beautiful new life with four legs who has brought me closer to loving another one of God's creatures and who has taught me to show up for a commitment and stay with that commitment even when I was sick, tired, or just not feeling "it". In return I have been given unconditional love from her and many smiles and much laughter.

I have lived yet another year Cancer free. And this is all that matters. Not what next year will bring, but that this year, I have been given another year without Cancer in my body and 12 months of being alive.

My sobriety, my job, my friends both old and new, and my creativity all are gifts that have continued to shower and surround me all year long. And for all of these things I am enormously grateful and thankful for.

It really is good to be alive, and it's even better to be able to appreciate and be grateful for the gift of what living really is. It could definitely be far worse.

This coming year my goals are to be more positive in my attitude, thoughts and in my words. To pay less attention to negativity, energy, people and sources that help keep me down and self-centered with judgement and fear.

To finally try and make it back to my artwork. To create and paint pieces that reflect who I am and relay my messages and experiences from the past few years.

To return to the book I started writing and to make a commitment to finish it.

And lastly to care more for my body, soul, and spirit by staying more disciplined with my meds, taking time daily to meditate, and getting back to the gym and a better diet to better my body and overall quality of health and life.

I wish each of you all of the above and still more in 2010. I thank you for being my friends and for all of the support, love, and care you have exchanged with me over this past year.

May 2010 bring you, your family, and loved ones the best of health, great happiness, love, and a spirit of peace all year long.

With love,

Brian

Life on Life's Terms....

Well, it's hard to believe that the year is almost at an end already. Geez..
I remember my father saying to me when I was younger, "The older you get, the faster life seems to go". I thought he was crazy when he said it. I mean, how can life go faster? But wow.. I'll be darned if it doesn't seem to.

The past few weeks have been pretty intense. My last scan showed up a few hick-ups as it usually does but Dr. Baron seemed to think it was nothing.

In November my NPO held it's second annual Green Card Lottery Assistance Program and well, I have to say while I was alittle disappointed, we at least held our own and had the same number of applicants this year as last.. and given the recession well, hey, I was ok with it.

Shuji and I have really settled down into our schedule with Uni and she is such a beautiful dog. I mean, god.. from the worlds most adorable puppy to this beautiful dog now. It's really cool too how she listens to me, and behaves "most" of the time.

Shuji, Masa and I have been hanging out alot lately and it's been nice to see more of Masa and to help him with this "change" period in his life. I love Masa and I love being with him.

For Thanksgiving the three of us went out to the Beach Chalet along side the Great Highway and ate till we all almost popped. Our timing was perfect as we sat down to a 3 course meal just as the sun was setting out in the ocean. Beautiful!

You know, there is a saying in AA that says, "If you want to hear God laugh...make plans". Ha, and well, it's certainly been true for this past month. I've always known that there's a big difference between having your instincts.. and actually LISTENING TO AND OBEYING THEM. And this past month I've had a number of experiences where I now have to admit that I didn't do so well at the above when I had the chance to.

Sure, I know the difference between a Crisis and an Event.. but damn.. sometimes it's just so hard to let shit go and just trust in the end results.

On November 19th, I was in a car accident that was well, very very intense.. let's just say that it was the worst accident I have ever been in, I am still very sore and injured and probably will be for quite some time. I'm quite certain I will be needing Chiropractic work for my neck and back, and the "Hand Specialist" I saw today seems to think I have torn/ripped tendons and a bone chip in my left hand.

After 3 hours today of extremely uncomfortable and even painful MRI's.. I hope to know more later in the week.

I hope you all had nice Thanksgivings and I'll keep in touch,

Love, and Happy Holidays,

Brian